Quick warning: mentions of overdoses and survivors guilt
So this is the week 6 years ago that my girlfriend and I went on a week long bender that ended when she od’ed and died. I was the one who woke up next to her, I found her there dead and I did cpr and gave narcan and called 911 but I still couldn’t save her. That was on July 17th of 2016. Days before that, on the 12th, I overdosed but she was awake and noticed and she saved me. I feel so so awful for not being able to save her also. Why did I get to live and she didn’t? What else could I have done to help her?
I’m doing ok overall I guess. I’m not really sleeping well and I’m eating one meal a day, it’s all I can manage right now. I’ve been drinking again but I haven’t done any drugs. Actually on the 16th I’ll be 6 years sober from heroin. I like to think that Jess (my gf who passed) is proud of me, and she’s glad one of us had a chance to get better. I hope she doesn’t hate or resent me for failing to save her.
I have a therapy session on the 16th and I’ve already emailed my therapist about what I’d like to talk about. I’ve been doing a lot of journaling and art to get my feelings out somewhere. My friends have all been so supportive and helpful lately, I never expected to have this many amazing people in my life that care so much. It’s nice.
I just want to be able to remember her and smile. I want to remember all the good times we had together, like when I’d make us both dinner and when she took me to the bookstore for my birthday. I don’t want to remember what she looked like that day, or how cold she was, or the sound of ribs cracking as I did cpr. I just want to stop feeling so fucking sad about it. Logically, I did everything I could and I know that. But there’s still some part of me that wishes I did more and she might be here still had I not failed her.
Any advice/comfort would be appreciated right now. I’ve been struggling a lot with this lately and I don’t entirely know what to do from here.
I’m sorry to hear about her death. That is heartbreaking. It must have been devastating - it is devastating.
Addiction is chaos. Chaos is dangerous.
Someone could die, someone could not die. It’s a roll of the dice.
That’s why we get sober. It’s just not worth it. It’s just not worth gambling our life every day of our addiction.
One thing you could do to honour her memory is be of service in addiction recovery in your city. Start simple, maybe volunteering to serve food or coffee. Help create environments where people can get sober.
I’m sorry to hear about her death. It is tragic. What makes it so heartbreaking is it was preventable: the addiction is what killed her. She is dead, yes, but others don’t have to die. You can work to help keep them alive.
Anniversaries like this are hard. I know. I have one coming up next month. You are right in trying to focus on the good memories. It appears that incident forced you off heroin. I’d like to believe she has been your guardian angel these last six years. I know I’d be one happy soul to know my death wasn’t a waste and it was the catalyst that saved the life of someone I loved.
I think it is absolutely amazing the groundwork you have done to prepare for that day. I never would have considered prepping my therapist to help me. I’m also a big advocate of journaling so I’m happy to hear you use that tool. Thank goodness you have such a vast support system. That is a huge help.
Congrats on your coming up six years. I know it’s hard to have pride in it when you are feeling such guilt. I think, however, deep inside you know you did the best you could at the time.
Two suggestions for you.
One: some of my sponsees struggled with the inability to make amends to people who had passed on. I had them write a letter to that person so they could get all the words, thoughts and emotions out. I told them to then go to a favorite private place and mediate themselves into a more peaceful state. Once there, they would burn the letter sending the message on to their loved one. Every single one of them felt relief.
Two: You say you are an artist. Perhaps you could draw a self portrait of yourself with her watching over your shoulder with pride in how you chose to use the situation to improve yourself. I firmly believe she is happy rather than angry. What you decide to do with the drawing after is up to you. Just doing it will help reinforce the positive rather than the negative.
I know it was hard for you to share that with us. I’m glad you did. It shows you are not sitting on it letting it fester inside.
One day at a time work on your sleep pattern, your eating habits and your alcohol. You are making progress and I’m proud of you.
So today’s the day of. July 17th. 6 years without her
God I miss her so much. I feel less guilty than I used to about what happened but I still blame myself for not doing more.
In therapy yesterday I started this art project. It’s a stick with different colors of string wrapped around it. The intention behind it is the different colors represent all my feelings about her/memories of her as a sort of timeline to help me remember her as more than just how she passed. I took it with me after my appointment and I’m finishing it tonight after work.
Just wanted to rant on here for a few. I didn’t think I’d still be this sad 6 years later. I’ve gotten through it before, I’ll get through it again.
