I’m on day 19 of trying to quit using alcohol after 9 years of regular bingeing. As the days tick on I’m reminded of why I started drinking in the first place- to help quell my horrible anxiety and self hatred, as well as to stop myself from self harming regularly. I had been drinking so long supposed I forgot what it all started as. So now, I’m really struggling with cravings- not just to drink- but to hurt myself. The self harm cravings are 100 times worse than the drinking cravings- and I only really crave drinking to try to escape the anguish that lives in my head. It’s almost a physical pain, how blank and horrible I feel. My husband has noticed me grimacing and quiet. I’m so desperate to get away from this hurt that I would do almost anything to get some relief from it. I’m having a very hard time not cutting myself today. I feel like the only way around it is to get drunk, but I also can’t do that. I just feel stuck, and like my suffering is somehow evil. My husband is going to leave me if I relapse on either. Maybe he should. I’m just so sick, so so sick.
Sorry for another bummer one, today. I’m struggling hard this week.
I hear your struggle. For many of us here, alcohol abuse was one way to escape our dislike of ourself, our past trauma, and like playing mental whackamole, if we stop escaping one way we will try another. Getting truly better requires working on root causes, developing new coping strategies, etc. Have you spoken to your husband about how bad you feel? You seem very worried about him leaving, but a decent partner would surely understand you are struggling to get better, especially if you talk about it before a relapse happens. Have you talked to any therapists about it?
I self-harm myself, though not so regularly, and more as a way to regulate extreme emotion, so I can understand a little.
I hear your suffering. Trust me drinking or self harming will only make you feel worse about yourself after the fact. When we quit self medicating with drugs and alcohol its common to fall into other unhealthy coping mechanisms but its up to you to try something different.
I can relate to the feeling of distress and restlessness in the uncomfortable mind. Id encourage you to share with hubby, a therapist, or someone you feel comfortable with.
Now is the time to flex your sober muscles and challenge those thoughts that are looking for a quick, temporary fix. It takes positive action to make a change.
You can do this. One day at a time. We are here too!
