How are you doing? Haven’t seen you around lately. 
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Oh my how has my little disappearing act lasted over a week 
Thanks for nudging me @JazzyS 
Yesterday I cried. I don’t know why I started thinking about my friend again…I was on my lunch break from work having a snack and it overtook me. I nearly choked on my food crying mid chew. I had this image of myself screaming at her in pain that “I asked for you friendship, you said I had it, and then you abandoned me.” Having my mind summarize it like that had me deep in grief for a hot minute there.
Today my brain is noodling on identity. I think about when I was younger and living in other places how I would go out and garden in the front yard and have no concerns over my own safety or people seeing me even if I was completely failing at what I was doing. I’m renovating a house these days and whenever I have to do outdoor projects I have this crippling sense of not wanting to even remotely be perceived. Where did this come from? Oh yah its the ADHD but was I just so used to masking back then or has it gotten that much worse in general? Or is it something else? Some other breaking down of self from bad relationships and experiences? Maybe I always felt this but I didn’t internalize it and let it stop me from living my life.
I feel like I’m always picking at my skin and adjust my clothes putting my hand in my pockets out of my pockets putting up my hood taking down my hood hair in a clip no down under a hat push it to the side or split it in half in the back and let it cascade down the way it seems like I should but it still doesn’t feel like me dye my hair blue no green maybe I should just cut it really short again it grows fast enough or should I just give in go full Brittany and shave it this time.
What a fun run on paragraph that last one was I might be a bit manic again.
But not really I’m just feeling the passing of time in weird ways as the month draws to a close and summer draws to a close. So much to do on my house that requires nice weather and I’m running out of time and money struggling to prioritize what to get done in this moment and so desperately wishing to be less alone in this project. The dream of owning a house and building a house was one that developed with my ex over 7 years together and when he left I couldn’t abandon the dream so I bought a fixer upper on my own as if I could prove my worth to who I don’t really know - him, my family, friends, myself? All of the above?! And I’ve grown so much doing it all and constantly learning. So much to be grateful for and excited for but at the end of the day I am just exhausted. I get off my 9-5 and I’m supposed to go hustle that 5-9 up on a ladder repairing a roof. I am in a mood after messing up my knee a bit last week – I feel defeated.
I just had an amazing homemade margarita pizza my uncle made with tomatoes from his garden and some lions mane mushrooms from the farmers market so at least I know Im still capable of feeling joy. 
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Im so so happy you’re taking up space here @Mno ! If you want to share more about the haptotherapie I would be very interested to hear more about it. I may have to go down an internet rabibt hole looking that up more too. I’ve never heard of that before.
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I’m sorry love. The loss of a friendship can take time to heal from even when you know it’s better to be clear from them. I’m sorry that grief hit you like that out of the blue. Know we are here if you ever feel this grief coming on. You don’t have to process it alone 
I can relate to what you wrote about feeling off about working outdoors where you can be seen. I used to work and do projects outdoors all the time. Now even washing windows outside makes me feel self conscious. Not sure where that comes from. I do my best to do what I can outdoors in hopes to get over this mental blockage. I’m sure you are not failing and hopefully you will be able to overcome this crippling mental grip 
Wow…that’s a project! I’m sure it comes with a lot of emotions and exhaustion cause it’s a lot of work. Be proud of yourself! Thats am undertaking and once completed you’ll be able to say that you did it. Made the house your home
Love this for you. Glad you posted – you were missed
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Some morning thoughts —
As a childless woman that society would consider “past her prime” I find myself thinking about marriage and children a lot lately. Those were never things I wanted for myself or ever got to really consider a possibility. I was going to be the fun aunt to my sister’s kids that it is looking less likely she will have. And maybe deep down if it had ever been a true option for me I would’ve ended up wanting them. I think sometimes now that when my house is done and the reno loan paid off that I would even have one on my own/adopt/foster and that doesn’t sound so bad. Although I do want a dog first and the one I’ve fallen in love with at the shelter doesn’t do so well with kids.
This morning though I feel more certain that I would not want to be married and have a child with a man. I have seen the compilation videos come across my social media of men that are incapable of folding down strollers and their wives coming out to do it in 3 seconds flat as if it’s magic. Sitting out on my front porch having coffee this morning I watched that exact scenario play out in real time and I wanted to both laugh and scream at this man. My neighbor across the street comes out alone with the stroller and out loud says to no one “how the f*** does this fold!” before immediately stomping back inside and his wife comes out to do. He is nowhere in sight while she does and I am so mad for this woman that her man child of a husband barely even tried and can’t even be bothered to be out here now to watch and learn. The cherry on top then was him coming back out a minute later and saying to her “did you know they’re not even picking up the garbage today” which I guarantee you she did know because it’s a holiday and they always pick up the day after holidays and our city sent out the trash pickup calendar with our utility bills. But she probably just let him put it out last night like all the other neighbors because would he have listened if she did tell him?
and I could be projecting or making assumptions in this situation but it fits the script of the stereotype and my god I would rather be alone and painfully lonely than live out that script.
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As a past her prime woman who never exercised her ability to breed you are heard. 
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Here’s a link to a website that explains haptotherapy pretty well imo. Not sure it exists out of the Netherlands though
And, as a man past his prime who never wanted kids, never had a steady relationship either tbh, I hear you too.
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As a mom of a wonderful daughter and ex-wife of a man child I HEAR YOU
My family life became happy after my divorce.
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Hey friend… sorry, I thought I did reply to this post and now can’t find. I hear ya on the family thoughts. We have that tendency to reflect on our lives and do the “what-ifs”. Especially now that you are feeling settled.
Adoption / fostering are great options. You can still find ways to spread your love.
OOH I love that you have already fallen in love with a dog. Don’t worry about how the dog gets on with kids. Things can change over time. I am looking forward to meeting your furry friend when you do bring him/her home