Taking Up Space - V2

blankspace · August 10, 2026, 10:57pm

A continuation of an old space I thought I created but can no longer find under a username that no longer exists from a handful of years ago that feels like its been a lifetime…

I joined this space originally 6 years ago and have remained sober since even though I left the community but my sobriety has never felt stable. This is the part where all the old timers jump in and ask about what I have done to set myself up for success etc etc and I love you all for that BUT I’VE DONE NOTHING OKAY. No just kidding sometimes I just want to scream at people for the saying the same old thing on script but that is what works and gets newbies talking to make a plan I get it. Good ole sobriety / AA lingo. I love it I hate it. I’ll talk more about my story and actual sobriety stuff later but I just need to create this space for myself right now to talk about life.

When I first joined the forum I had such a hard time with the overwhelm of jumping in and interrupting the established dynamics. It took me a long time just sitting in silence waiting before I could bring myself to post anything. I struggle with allowing myself to take up space. I’m sure thats a big part of why I used substances in the first place. Eldest daughter hold the weight of the world in silence and exceed everyone’s expectations while slowly dying inside feeling less than unvalidated type bs. Codependent take care of everyone else hoping I’ll be enough and someone else will take care of me bs. Look at me talking like I have an ego and know anything about anything. It’s all for show. One person ruined this forum for me back in the day, I got ride of my profile, left, their imprint remained and I couldn’t come back. Now so much time has passed but I still let their shadow loom over me.

It’s easier to blame that individual than to get to the root of why it affected an entire space so deeply year after year after year. Because it wasn’t enough to just talk to my therapist about it when I can’t actually identify the part inside myself that was so injured by the encounter or talk about it truly honestly. So I keep working on finding what meds will be the magic combination to just fix all my problems and turn me into a ray of sunshine. Blah. Lets try exposure therapy and just come back here and maybe headfirst try to face my issues for once.

Issues stacked on trauma stacked on addiction that I don’t know how to have an identity outside of WOE IS ME. What do you mean daily gratitude didn’t fix my mindset? I’m a spiraling ball of rage and anguish and resentment and following the 20 year old influencer on Instagram hasn’t suddenly made me rich or pretty or popular or fit or happy and I just keep spiraling. I lost my old identity while transitioning into a period of life that would already cause an identity crisis even under basic normal circumstances… I don’t know how to be okay.

But I know staying silent about it isn’t working. Trying to jump into other topics where I feel I have no place I never take a step towards jumping. Even starting this topic feels like a “might delete later LOL” type thing but I need to try.

Okay so end rant for today and I’ll do my best to be back tomorrow. See you then maybe I’ll actually say something vulnerable and personal then instead of being all emo mysterious. Cuz Im sure this vibe is going to help me make friends right?

Tragicfarinelli · August 11, 2026, 4:18am

Welcome back, whoever you are… … I like the mystery!

I can relate a lot to your words!! Cross talking and misplaced badgering annoys me intensely now, to the point that I’m not just not willing to tolerate or entertain it anymore. But there was a time I would have given a shit and hurt myself over and over.

Anyway, welcome welcome. Take space

erntedank · August 11, 2026, 7:19am

Welcome back to the forum

I also can relate to some of your points. Thank you for sharing

Just want to reach out and give you a warm welcome back, looking forward to the things you want to share. I like your honesty!

JazzyS · August 11, 2026, 11:01am

Welcome back . I am grateful that you are giving this place a second chance.

I loved your post and can relate on some level. Really do hope you keep coming back and sharing. Take the space you need

blankspace · August 11, 2026, 11:03pm

Ooh there are other peeps up in here heeeyyyy thanks for joining me lovely folks!

Okay I’ll be the first to admit it — I was in a very bad mood yesterday. Probably a bit manic to boot. The digital world we live in doesn’t help things at all for me. Try to have a big open heart, people tear me down (I had a recent falling out with a close friend okay I said it) and I want to be all “they have their own things going on its not me” try to not let it occupy every second of my thinking but then open social media and get thrown about in every direction (yes we still open socials and doom scroll and its probably another addiction I should address but that’s a problem for another day).

The internet will say “stand up for yourself” “put in the work to mend the friendship” “know your value you don’t deserve to be treated that way” “they’re a narcissist” “you’re the narcissist” “take accountability that you’re the actual problem” “typical avoidant and anxious attachment dynamic” “this is really the avoidant showing you they love you” CAN ALL OF THIS BE TRUE AT ONCE? IS NONE OF IT? It’s so hard to distinguish my own thoughts through the constant noise. Do I want to spend less time on social media or brick my phone so I can’t go on it or just spend more time outside and doing hobbies so I won’t get sucked in and feel the need to scroll? Yes to all of that. But even when I’m deep in a project away from all of that it is just in my head chattering until I want to scream or cry or break something.

So should we talk about the end of my friendship? Rip off the bandaid and dive right in shall we.

How much backstory is needed to tell this…we’ll see. Im going to try and keep it brief for now. I really dearly love this friend and I’ve had a hard time talking about it. They hurt me so deeply and I don’t want to talk badly about them or divide our friend group so I have ended up cutting myself out of our book club and isolating the past few months. It’s felt like they have slowly been pulling away over the past year and its made me realize how they were all talk and never truly that close to begin with. I met her shortly after I split with my partner a few years ago and immediately we thought we were going to be besties. Maybe I leaned into that too hard relying on her to be my support through a tough time when I didn’t really have anyone else around.

I started typing out a list here of all the things we talked about doing together over the years that were never followed through on and I just can’t put it out there yet…

I’ll start from the end. My mental health got really bad the end of winter going into spring and I had isolated. Along with that comes Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) – if you’re not familiar it makes for a fun rabbit hole internet dive if you have nothing else to do with your time. So I reached out to her end of May just really needing a friend in that moment, in tears having struggled to reach out, trying to explain my RSD, and got no acknowledgement from her let alone basic empathy you would think would come with friendship. Her response was dare I say dismissive saying she assumed I wanted space to work on my house reno because she knows my time is precious tackling my projects so she was giving me space and that she’s been busy with book club then asked if I was going to the book club outing the next day.

I am the only single one in our friend group and constantly talk about how lonely it can be, how I would love for people to reach out more, that the whole point of owning this house is to have a space for friends and that I want to prioritize friendships, that I will drop everything and want to have friendships that are inconvenient, that I would love to have people just hang out and paint and be in the space with me. So I told her the assumption was hurtful. And she responded that I should be the one to reach out more… after I just had mentioned my RSD and how impossible it has felt to reach out. Never mind that every time I have asked her to do something over the past year she has said no or outright ignored me.

So I felt pretty gutted and wasn’t going to on the group outing but convinced myself I was just reading into it that it was a miscommunication and I went. She picked me up and didn’t say a word to me. Gave me the cold shoulder the entire day. I thanked her for driving at the end of the day when she dropped me off and she sped away without a response. I texted later in the week saying I didn’t like how we left things and asked to talk. She ignored me. I sent her a happy birthday a week later that went ignored. I asked to talk again a week later and finally got a message from her just saying she needs some space. No context of the parameters of that space, no acknowledgment of any of my other texts, no express interest in having a conversation. She continued to not saying anything to me for the past two months. She tells me I should reach out more then ignores me when I do and ghosts me for two months.

It feels like there’s nothing left of the friendship to salvage at this point. Would it even be worth it to keep trying…?? I’m leaning towards no. But then I feel like crying again and am not entirely convinced. Or I am convinced but doubting myself because walking away is really hard.

I am still hanging on to all of these ideas of who she is based on all of the things she said she wanted to do but never followed through on. It’s all an illusion. I had her for a short time when I had nobody else. I don’t really feel like I have anybody else now but maybe I’m in a better place to pick up the pieces of my life without her or anybody else. I always get caught up in the overwhelm of the impossible feat that would be making new friends in my 30s, sober, in a tiny town of drunks and no events outside of hunting, fishing, and motorized vehicles. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but not my vibe.

I need to just do my thing and find the people that actually do the things I want to do (not just talk about them). Work on my growth and building the life I want that people can find ways to fit into instead of me trying to build my life around people that don’t fit.

blankspace · August 11, 2026, 11:23pm

A side thought:

I remember many years ago a friend’s then girlfriend talking to me about how they had been dating for 6 years and 6 years seemed like a regular check point in her experience. For them they were either going to break up or end up married. (Spoiler they are married with two kids)

I’m realizing my split with my ex was after about 6 years.

End of this past July was my 6 year soberversary and its turning out to be a check in point with myself.

JazzyS · August 12, 2026, 12:18pm

Starting with the second post first cause needed to congratulate you on your 6 years and the realization that this is where you turn inwards and check in with yourself . You’ve gone through a lot in these six years and this is your new starting point

I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I know life is busy and we get wrapped up in out day to day but a friend would not ghost you. A friend would not leave you hanging when you explain a condition that essentially is asking for more connections and care. Sorry you dealt with are dealing with RSD. .

I can only talk from experience and tell you it sucks when we realize who our fair weather friends are. I’ve had a few who I thought were amazing friends…one would call her my ride or die just fall off my horizon when I got ill. One even dismissed me. and still does dismiss my condition to common friends. Told me I needed to get my head checked and it was all in my mind. Totally ignored the physical signs and made me feel like shit

We do not need people like this in our lives. Being lonely hurts but these relationships hurt so much more. So many red flags from your interactions. You are better off without them.

It is hard to make friends as an adult. Wish we could all just meet in a playground and have those instant connections. Don’t give up hope. I joined a gym last year and have made some beautiful friendships. Just seeing people in passing every day we struck up a conversation and now I have people looking out for me as I do them. One reached out to make sure I was ok cause I missed 1 gym session …that was something I am not used to.

Look into taking classes like pottery or cooking or whatever is in your interest and you will connect with people that match your vibe.

blankspace · August 13, 2026, 10:58pm

Thank you thank you and thank you @JazzyS !! I did not realize how much I needed validation in this until I read your reply. Especially this:

I’m sorry to hear you have gone similar. It really does hurt more to have bad relationships than to be just ordinary ole lonely. I love hearing about your gym experience! That is so wonderfully wholesome that they checked in on you. Those are the small moments that make friendship worthwhile. Big green flag! I usually go to my gym when its empty in the early morning but this is making me think about trying to get myself there at other times. I’m in a very very small town and the gym tends to be overcrowded or dead but maybe I can find a happy medium time.

JazzyS · August 14, 2026, 1:07am

Oh I do hope you are able to find that happy medium.

erntedank · August 14, 2026, 1:57pm

i hear you on the fading out and red flags in frienship @blankspace
i also hear you in making friends as an adult. it’s different to childhood/youth but it follows the same priciples: do what you love with likeminded people regularly in the same setting. gym, gardening, cooking, bookclub, knitting group, choir, beekeepers meeting, volunteer work … endless topics. as we keep doing, enjoying and showing up people start talking, over time we connect to people we like. it takes time. you grow into it. i’m shy around people i don’t know and despite i seem to socialize easily i quickly feel uncomfortable. it took some years to find my way how i approach socializing situations be it garden group meetings, workshops or anything where you are with strangers. i’m grateful i now know my limits, i accept that some settings are not for me, i’m not anxious about meeting new people anymore and have no problem to leave a situation or end a talk without FOMO or negative emotions. because i found my solid ground, balance and stability within me. i am enough. you too are enough.

i found friends in adulthood. one is a former work colleague (20 years ago), one was my study bestie during an education we did as adults 20+ years ago. i was in my 30s then.
in my 40s i made friends with wonderful people from my ex, some of these frienships are still intact, my ex has been ex for years with no contact. his former friends are still mine.
i found wonderful people through my volunteer work for a crop diversity association.

there are people whose frienship faded out or got reduced to season & birthday greetings. one didn’t accept the changes i made after the final financial divorce settlement was done and i changed my life slowly but drastically. with some i lost contact because our lifes became too different (i moved to now my and mine only farm a few years ago after divorce and paying out the ex) and build my best life ever here. yes, it’s reclusive, sometimes lonely, no social contacts here besides my lovely bunch of neighbours, the supermarket and the vet but i like it. i want it this way. our neighbouhood looks after each other, we chat when we meet, we call each other when we need help, we check on each other when we haven’t seen someone for a few days.

people come into our lifes when we are ready, when the time is right. until then it’s working on ourself and keep going, apprechiating what we have and find joy in the daily little things we are grateful for

blankspace · August 18, 2026, 3:30am

EEEEEPPPPPP I LOVE HEARING HOW THIS ALL TURNED FOR YOU!!! Thank you for sharing that. It really brings me a lot of hope especially to hear about friendships made in your 30s and beyond.

blankspace · August 18, 2026, 3:41am

It’s late for me. I should be going to bed but I have been spiraling a bit tonight. There’s a war inside of me over my lost friend. There was nothing that I could do yet it feels like I SHOULD have been able to do SOMETHING. Anything. Everything. I look for her everywhere in all the places she used to be, should’ve been, said she wanted to be….she is more present in her absence. Days since I last cried over this has gone from 7 back to 0. But the 7 feels like progress.

I don’t like how much love I still hold for her in my heart. Probably always will. Today it feels too heavy to hold. Today I did something for myself that I’ve been wanting to do and feels like a big win…and she is the one I wish I could tell and celebrate this with.

I also went to Dollar General to look at Halloween decor today. Social media always talks about DG Baddies which is such a specific reference and she was the only one of my friends to get it. I wish she could’ve been there giggling and browsing with me. She probably would’ve convinced me that yes I should buy the tiny ceramic ghost with a pink glittery cowboy hat that gives Chappell Roan vibes and even if I bought it now without her it would’ve made me think of her. I’m tempted to go back and get it anyways.

Mno · August 18, 2026, 4:39am

Thanks for being back here. Your story reminds me of my bestie for 25 years. I’ve changed through sobriety and therapy and peer support and new friends I made here mainly. The dynamic in our relationship didn’t fit me anymore, and it was her who noticed first actually. And it’s her that doesn’t want to change which of course is her deal. I did and I have. And now we haven’t spoken for I don’t know, something like 2 years? Sad but also what happens. Anyway, just what you made me think about. Taking up space indeed. Hugs.

erntedank · August 18, 2026, 5:12am

First: Go get that ghost and pleeeaaase share it in the all year halloween thread!!!
many halloween people around here

i hear you on pondering if you did enough / all you could / everything possible. My wise councellor told me some years ago that I did all I could and now it’s time to give myself grace and accept that all you can do sometimes has no effect / not the desired effect as the other person in the equation doesn’t do their part to make it work. You can’t shoulder a relationship alone. Letting go, grieving, making space for some inner quiet instead of the pushing, trying emotional noise is necessary to find balance again. There is no sense in going to the hardware store for milk. not for love, not for friendship, for nothing. we don’t find milk in the hardware store as we don’t find what we expect from a relationship in people who don’t engage and care.
Grieve your grief and keep going

Tragicfarinelli · August 18, 2026, 8:15am

Grief over a friend is hard. People expect grief over a parent or family to be harder, but in my experience it’s not always true. Mainly due to the fact you build all these experiences together that are innocent and curious and formed on free expression and a bewildering honesty. Family can keep you trapped in expectation and role based dynamics, where friendships are truly expansive and a form of freedom.

But there’s a but. I think you get to a point where say you each have a million friendship blocks in your joint pool. Some days and weeks you can afford to give away half a million blocks to your friends to help them out, then some days and weeks they give you some back in return and it stays fairly equal and feels fair and just. When you start seeing holes in your emotional equity then the feelings of resentment and scepticism start to appear. And we do keep a ledger I believe, even if it’s subconsciously… Everyone is entitled to keep their integrity and resilience intact, so it’s no wonder or strange event when friendships drift or breakdown.

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, I think it hurts more because of the organic nature of the building the blocks in the first place. Grieve away, but honor yourself in the process too.

JazzyS · August 18, 2026, 1:42pm

. Sending hugs your way. That is progress. Be prepared to go back and forth with the emotions. The grieving process is not linear and you will take some time to heal.

Your friendship was strong and had a tight bond. This hurts now as you can see and feel the friendship in everything you do. Many daily activities or stories will remind you of her and your times together. This is when you have to remind yourself that the person you have left is not that person. Your friendship did not grow together. I don’t know if there was anything you could or should have done. Sometimes life just takes us in different directions.

I am grateful that you stood up for yourself and did not allow the disrespect and coldness to continue. It is natural to grieve. Know you are not alone

Yes!! Please do so. Would love to see it. As mentioned by @erntedank we have a Halloween thread and would love to see your ghost there Year-round Halloween

Don’t let her taint your Halloween fun

blankspace · August 18, 2026, 10:35pm

I love you all so much!
It’s wild how long I tried to just be independent and not talk about this and live through the pain of it in silence that talking about it here and having yall share your stories and insights makes a world of difference.

Everything you’ve said has me thinking…

I called this Taking Up Space and when I first wrote it I had intended it largely as taking up space on the forum and didn’t think too much about the double meaning. That I am also learning to take up space in my own life. Such a weird concept either way where it feels like I exist in one way and I must exist that way and that is my role in a space and once established I am not allowed to be anything different even though I am constantly working on changing but I end up keeping myself stuck. I change but do I allow myself to show that I have? Or I show it and everyone makes assumptions acting like I’m the same. It’s hard to just know who I am, be that person, show up as that person, TAKE UP SPACE, and just be without shrinking myself.

There’s a moment that comes to mind from last November where I responded to a message in a way that genuinely felt like ME and I cannot stop thinking about it. Someone I went to high school with owns a local bar and had been texting me for months every couple of days / every other week or so just saying “hey” in various ways usually between 10pm and 2am which I wouldn’t typically see until the next afternoon when my phone’s do not disturb mode turns off after work and by then he wouldn’t respond to me until the same late hours when my phone was back in do not disturb and I was asleep. So come the Thanksgiving holiday when I was actually up late with family and he saw me online at midnight messaged me this:

I still think this is the funniest thing because I have never once had an actual conversation with this person or hung out IRL at all– just brief surface level messages here and there then he says THAT. It was also just months after he got divorced I feel like normally I would just ignore this or try to not harshly reject someone but I remember responding to it not even second guessing my response. I did initially want to be friends with this person but he never once asked to hang out or tried to get to know me at all. Just invited me to big events at the bar. Maybe this message was the turning point where I started putting my foot down with people and embodying myself again.

Anyways I’ll end that tangent for now. Off to go look for my ghost buddy! Leaning into this:

JazzyS · August 19, 2026, 12:44am

I absolutely love this way of thinking . We are forever changing…sometimes we change along with our loved ones and sometimes apart. At times the apart creates too big of a distance for us to continue in life together. Grateful that you are seeing the changes as a part of you and not shrinking yourself to fit anyone else’s mold or vision. You be you!!

Glad you had your DND on and weren’t bothered by the late night messages. Funny how someone can create something out of thin air ..

I hope you found him…share please
This is Year-round Halloween
Here’s the thread in case I didn’t link before.

erntedank · August 19, 2026, 6:24pm

YES to taking up space to be your authentic self
Take your time to grow into this mindset, it’s worth it!

I like your response to this late night hi guy very much
There’s a charm in immediately set authentic boundaries

Mno · August 19, 2026, 8:10pm

Going to take up a little bit more space by telling you about the last bit of therapy I’m doing, only once in three months now. It’s Dutch, somatic, called haptotherapie, a combination of touch and talk. And its actually aimed at learning to create and take up space, both inside myself and in my relationship to others. Which sounds vague as f+ck and i used to laugh at it, and think of it as total bs.

But in fact it did do something significant in and with me. As it was maybe my biggest problem, to always try and be as small as possible, to not be present, to make my problems disappear by disappearing myself. And now instead I’m learning to actually be here, to know I’m worth it to be present, to not be closed off and stuck within myself. It’s why the title of this thread gave me this jolt when I first saw it. Thanks friend