I have never even considered appreciating what I have to offer. Possibly because I am unsure of what that is exactly… I don’t know. Thanks for the food for thought. I did the meditation, checked out the questions and that was it. Will try to make time to revisit it this evening.
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Hahahaha. Me too 
have edited slightly to hopefully make it clearer!
I know right! When I heard that I thought it was the start of the story I was like what, that would totally drive me nuts! Then I realised… Ah that’s what we do to ourselves.
It is something that happened recently for me. It’s kind of perfect timing actually, something that came up in a recent CBT session was that a core belief I want to cultivate is ‘I am enough’. Moving away from a sense of unworthiness. Finding evidence for this has been hard because it isn’t really stuff with concrete definitions. But something I have become increasingly aware of is how hard I seem to try to almost, impress people (?), to be capable and ‘achieve’.
Having stopped working and not managed to do things that I felt like I should be able to do, I’m coming back to questions that came up for me in early sobriety. Who am I without all this stuff?
Then one of my old friends from my hometown who has been going through a really rough time got in touch to ask if she could come and stay with me for a weekend. That just lit me up inside. It doesn’t matter what I do in my day to day - I can be a friend. And the puppy wiggles her little butt and is so happy when I get her up in the morning - I can be nurturing to her. My partner has recently got into a new hobby and made some new friends - I can be happy for him.
It’s interesting to me that in making a conscious effort to move away from a sense of self based on how others see me, I’ve started to find one in the value I can create for others. But it’s not about seeking approval, more about tapping into these fundamental human capabilities.
The idea of cultivating light and laughter and sharing this with others as a guiding principle came up for me a few months ago and it’s been really helpful. It was in a meditation class in response to one of those questions - if you were at the end of your life looking back, what would you want to achieve or what would you regret not doing.
Another long post from me! Would love to hear your thoughts on whatever you’ve managed to get through, if you’d like to share. Same for you @Misokatsu @Bears515054 and anyone else who has started this 
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Hmm, interestingly, even though Maria’s talk was to some extent about being enough (I loved Tara’s phrase "if you feel you are enough you can hold hands with others), listening to Maria’s talk really made me feel inadequate (I don’t do all this volunteering, I don’t get up at 4am to have a TV interview, I don’t run my own business, therefore I am not busy enough to need to take a pause) but then maybe that is a another way that shows I need to be more compassionate to myself, I am doing my best in my own way.
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I think that’s a really understandable response. I don’t know if I can quite express what’s in my head, but it’s an interesting paradox almost about this kind of thing. We always hear from these people who have amassed a lot of expertise and status because those are things that give them credibility in the culture in which this content is created. But it can also undermine the message that this stuff really is for everyone. It almost sounds patronising to hear someone who has all these things going on saying that just showing up for yourself and the people in your life can be a radical act. My takeaway from her situation though was that even people who have this really high level of perceived ‘success’ can really struggle with finding their own place in their story.
Personally, I have done some stuff that on the face of it looks very virtuous, but really if I look at my reasons for it, not so much. And as a result it brough stress and unhappiness into my life and the lives of those around me. When I hear them talking about taking a pause, I think of it more about a pause on my negative reactivity to situations that cause stress and unhappiness. I am currently not working, I don’t do much housework, the puppy keeps me on my toes while she’s awake but overall I am not a busy person right now. And I still find myself needing to take plenty of pauses from the noise in my head!
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Day two
I thought all the content would be released on day one, but it wasn’t. So I just waited until this morning (28 april) to do the day two stuff. By the evening I am just too tired, mornings are my time.
The video talk with Dr. Siegel is 54 mins long and I nearly put it off til later. But I don’t have anywhere else to be and I figured if I put it off I probably wouldn’t watch it. So I watched it. Anyway!
In the introduction to the meditation I loved the phrase ‘addiction to self-aversion’. And appreciate that the whole conversation about loving kindness was prefaced with the fact that how you pay attention can change the structure and function of your brain, it’s a practice and it takes time and patience. We don’t have to be all the way there yet.
I struggle with feelings of warmth towards myself. On an abstract level, I do believe that there is a fundamental goodness within all of us. Applying that… Well I’m not there. But that’s why we need to practice! Undoing the deep seated conditioning from ourselves and others, the fixating on negative habits and patterns, will take time. I am working on self acceptance, that’s my starting point.
The talk with Dr. Siegel was long, as above, but it was really interesting to hear about all the psychological and physiological stuff that happens in our brains and bodies through compassion (or a lack of it). Reinforced that fundamental human need for connection to each other and the planet that we’re part of. I did have an immature giggle when he talked about them being inside each other 
My main takeaway was that we need awareness of body and mind to connect with others without becoming over-identified, or taking on their suffering. I liked the analogy of being a fruit salad, not a smoothie - integrated, differentiated and in harmony rather than being all ground up together.
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Day three
I absolutely LOVED everything about this.
First though, for anyone who hasn’t heard of Tara Brach’s RAIN stuff, I would highly recommend it. Lots of resources for it on her website and a really helpful way of working through challening times. Lots that I haven’t dipped into and something I will be revisiting once this challenge is over. I am also going to order the Radical Compassion book.
Back to day three!
From the meditation, I needed the reminder that recognising pain is part of the route to self-compassion and this can’t be diluted by thoughts like ‘I shouldn’t be feeling like this’. In the meditation, I find it hard to use the language she does for nurturing (RAIN = recognise, allow, investigate, nurture). I go to things like it will be OK, you can get through this, you are strong etc. In my ‘after the rain’ reflection, I wonder if by talking to my challenging thoughts and emotions (‘you are’) I am almost over-identifying with them, defining myself by them. In future I am going to make a conscious effort to shift my language (I can get through this, I am strong). Also as a side note, I don’t find putting my hands on my heart or belly particularly helpful, maybe I haven’t dropped into my body enough, but prayer hands on my third eye/ forehead does seem to work.
Through the talk with Kristin Neff, I thought the fact that they are friends made it better, or made me enjoy it more. It was less like an interview and more like a conversation.
In outlining her route to self-compassion (offering phrases of mindfulness, common humanity and kindness, not necessarily in that order), a few things came up that feel particularly noteworthy. First, that we need to drop out of problem solving mode to be able to access mindfulness. Second, that choosing to disengage and put things down when they feel overwhelming is a form of self-compassion, it’s not the same as repressing. Intention matters! Third, that to really acknowledge pain we need to focus on how it feels, rather than justify why we’re feeling like that (i.e. that person or situation has made me angry because…). Fourth, we can’t connect with others until we connect with our own experience. I know forgiveness is a topic that’s come up on the forum a few times recently, and they gave that as an example - we can’t forgive others until we have experienced our own pain and hurt. No spiritual bypass!
I like thinking about the idea of radical acceptance and compassion through action as yin and yang. It really helped answer something that I have had bubbling away for a long time, around the nature of acceptance and the potential for complacency. In fact she directly spoke to this - “yin without yang becomes complacency”. We need this balance of masculane and feminine, action and acceptance. Maybe I have more yang and have been worried to let the yin side take over. I don’t know, it almost gave me permission to find my own balance.
Tara also recommended Kristins book, The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, which is another one going on my ever growing books to order list.
I am conscious that this thread is becoming a bit like my own personal broadcast, which isn’t what I intended. But am going to keep sharing my notes and reflections here in case anyone who has been unable to watch the content finds it useful. All comments and thoughts very welcome!
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I am running behind on listening to it. I’ve made the mistake of thinking I can do other things while I’m listening to it and I can’t. I need to concentrate just on what she’s saying. I do really appreciate reading what you are saying. In fact I like it more than what she’s saying, your Interpretation and what it makes you feel… You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself. It’s very easy to clearly understand what you mean. I hope I will catch up in the next few days. I had looked forward to this for a few weeks thanks to your posting it.
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Keep sharing! I am struggling to find the nearly an hour to watch the interviews. The meditations are shorter and easier to fit in.
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So, the three steps (mindfulness, common humanity, kindness) were interesting to me. I kinda thought that mindfulness (feeling the feeling) and kindness would be important, but understanding that a feeling is part of life, not strange or unusual, isn’t a stage that I thought I would need, but now I understand that it makes you feel less alone. I also found it interesting that self-compassion is not a way to relieve pain. In fact, self-compassion may increase pain. But you hold the pain with tenderness.
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@Alisa @Misokatsu glad to hear my shares are helpful, there is a lot to get through with the videos and if I were juggling more commitments I would struggle with it.
I haven’t been doing the ‘compassion in action’ challenges which possibly means I am missing out on some of the growth that can come from the program, but I’m happy with just listening and reflecting. That feels like enough for me at the moment.
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This is such a great reflection! It reminds me of a conversation I had with someone through Recovery Dharma, crying over a video call when I was having a hard time with depression and feeling like nothing was going right. He reassured me that experiencing suffering is a good thing from a Buddhist perspective because it helps you understand the suffering of others, building a basis for compassion. I couldn’t tap into it at the time because I was too wrapped up in trying to avoid feeling the pain… Rather than just feeling it, let alone holding it with any tenderness. Thanks for the reminder 
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Day Four
So I didn’t get to this yesterday, I had a CBT session in the morning which sent me into a spin and I needed to just get through that. I tried to do the meditation in the afternoon but I was already sleepy, so in the spirit of acceptance and self-forgiveness I gave in and had a nap
Day four - self-forgivness, this is something that I found it hard to connect with because my brain got stuck on the idea of forgiveness in relation to blame that leads to feelings of guilt. For me it is more helpful to think about self-aversion rather than blame. Reading my notes with that in mind, it makes more sense to me.
The key takeaway for me was that punishing ourselves with blame (or aversion) doesn’t lead to growth - when we sit in self-hatred, insecurity and shame they become embedded, building a prison of beliefs in a deficient or unworthy self. This leads us back to old habits and patterns of behaviour. We have to start from where we are. A couple of quotes that embody this principle well:
“When I accept myself just as I am, I am free to change.” - Carl Rogers
“Perfection is not a prerequisite for anything but pain.” - Danna Faulds
The talk with Elizabeth Gilbert was not what I expected, but I haven’t read her stuff before. There was a lot of very personal account of her relationship with her partner, a former addict and felon who relapsed (and recovered again) after a terminal cancer diagnosis, which was inspiring and moving.
She shared her method of cultivating unconditional love for herself which was writing down what she wished someone would say to her, to say it to herself. So that could change depending on what she needed at the time but it always started along the lines of I’m here, I’m not leaving. They spoke about this coming from a place of longing or yearning - for me that is interesting. I have been leaning into Buddhist principles more recently and one of the foundations is not getting stuck in cycles of attachment or aversion, experiencing things as they are rather than how I want them to be. I suppose this doesn’t mean I have to deprive myself of recognising what I want. Food for thought. Also I can find it hard to tap into what I am feeling, so knowing what I want to hear feels like an extra layer of complication, ha. But I like the idea of just providing that self-reassurance - I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, whatever choices I make I can be here for myself.
She made a distinction between forgiveness and mercy - where forgiveness can be almost patronising whereas mercy is a shared experience - which I don’t entirely agree with, but it’s semantics. The principle, that there can be a power balance between a forgiver and a forgivee, and that it’s better to stand together in recognition of the difficulties we all face/ have faced/ will face, that felt important to me. I think I’ve also been one of the people that she mentions, who is virtuous to the point that it makes others feel uncomfortable. She said it can make other people feel like they aren’t up to scratch - well for me I can now see that it comes from my own not feeling up to scratch. Something I am working on accepting with a view to letting go of.
The other point that I thought came across really well was that being forgiving/ merciful doesn’t have to make us a pushover. We don’t have to fix, to rescue, or even let someone stay in our lives. She mentioned something she was told by an Indian monk:
“We must love everyone. Some people have to be loved from a safe distance.”
Forgiving is not the same as enabling. Knowing and reinforcing our own boundaries is important!
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@siand hi, curious if you finished the compassion challenge?
You did a wonderful job of sharing your feelings, thoughts and insights, thank you so much.
I see now it’s no longer free …