I’ll never really know.
To me my dad was funny, kind and interesting. I knew he had a dark past and some things he said didn’t add up but I let them slide because he was my dad and I loved him.
I wanted to get to know him and have him there as support. He was only in my life for a few short years (more so when I was really little but I don’t remember him then) but his dark past (a past which I feel like he tried to move on from) caught up with him. He killed himself 4 weeks ago. His funeral was today. I wish he’d held on longer. But then, maybe it was true what they said so idk… i guess theres not much point in wondering anymore.
RIP. 
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Lol nope pass
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Sorry that you have to bear that grief @Solanaceae. In A River Runs Through It after his brother dies because he can’t pull himself out of a self induced hell of gambling and addiction there’s a line by his father at the eulogy. “We can love completely even without complete understanding.” I strive for that because I have had some major problems getting along with my own parents and siblings.
I hope you find some peace 
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I’m sorry for your loss Hun I really am X 
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My Dad left my Mum for a much younger woman when I was 15. My Brother was 17. He never saw us again. He made no real attempt to see us and dragged my Mum through a God awful divorce, driving her to feel suicidal. He married the woman he left with and has two more children, both now in their late 20’s. My Brother and I are now late 40’s. A couple of years ago I made contact with my half sister on Facebook and she seemed delighted to chat to me and very curious. Clearly my Dad had told her a whole different version of why he no longer saw us after he left. She told her Mum and our Dad that she was in touch with me. All my Dad could say was “what is her motive” like somehow I was someone to be avoided. When I was little I idolised my Dad then one day he was gone. I found that he transferred his pet name for me onto his second daughter like she replaced me. I honestly wish the man was dead and that his death would be a nasty drawn out one. Treating family like disposable items and then poisoning the mind of my half sister that wanted to get to know me. What is wrong with people.
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Very sorry for your loss.
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I love my parents. They are rock solid. I have yet to tell them about my sobriety. I need to. Not sure they know how much I drank. We are close but I have had so much drama they keep a safe distance. They are good simple people. I hope I can be like them for my kids. Most all my trauma I caused myself. I wish I could kick my own self in the a** about 25 years ago. My Dad is quiet. Doesnt say much so when he does it is pretty honest. Doesnt drink much. A beer or 2 while grilling. Wish I had of listened to him more when I was young.
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I had some good memories of my dad growing up like when he’d bounce us on the trampoline, and in the winter he’d pull us on the sleds behind the truck and in the summer he’d pull us on the tubes behind the boat.
He was a carpenter, and so I learned some skills from him. But I didn’t get to learn nearly enough… when I was about 12 years old, he decided to take his own life. 
he left my mom to raise my 4 brothers 2 sisters and me all by her self.
His life had been littered with booz strip clubs and porn throughout most of his life. And, come to find after he died, there was a good possibility of drugs. He tried to keep all his problems a secret, but nothing ever stays a secret forever.
And even though my mom stayed with him through 25 years of marriage and forgave him countless times for the porn and coming home with glitter on is face and alcohol on his breath, my dad’s family still decided they’d lay all the blame on mom… they tried to take us from her and only succeeded in removing themselves from our lives too.
Now 13 years later, my brother decided to go out the same way and take his own life he left behind a beautiful little daughter 
and he was just starting to quit drinking and porn. Though he had a very unfaithful and destructive woman, who is a blackout drunk and exstripper/prostitute who is very encouraging of that lifestyle, that made his situation very difficult. But I’m trying very hard not blame her. Because it was not her that pulled the trigger. And was not right for my dad’s family to blame my mom.
I miss them so much! And I pray my niece will still be able to have a good life growing up. And that no more of us will fallow in my father shoes.
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Dad was always a drunk. When I was younger he would pull it together to get me to baseball and all. Then he got really into drinking and I remember just sleeping on the streets with him.
He died from liver chirosis
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One word. Absent. Thankfully I’ve had a step father who is amazing.
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My dad is a great person even though I know that one of the reasons I did some things is because of the relationship I had with him.
He struggled a lot.
He had a dad that beat him up and went away. He never saw him again until he died.
He had a mom that said she was working late but was actually cheating on my grandpa and leaving my dad home alone (he was 9 years old…). He was actually raised by his neighbour…
His parents never told him that they loved him.
So… imagine what he did… He started to drink. A lot. He was agressive when he drank. I would just hide in my bedroom. I knew the moment I stepped in our house if he dranked or not. He was mean and would put me down to make himself feel better.
I went through major depression and an attempt and the first thing he told me was, “Don’t say it’s my fault!”.
Anyways.
I had a huge fight with my family on my mom’s bday a couple years ago and I stopped talking to everyone. And when I decided to tell my mom, dad and brother what I didn’t like and what I expected from everyone, that’s when I started to feel better. And free.
Now I find myself lucky that my dad didn’t beat me up because I know he raised his hand once (never touched her) on my mom but when he realized what he was about to do, left to come back sober.
He understands that I can be a whole person with my ideas and opinions.
And I understand what he went through. And I don’t blame him anymore.
And now he is able to say ''I love you" back since about 5 years… Words he was never able to say… How can you when your parents never told you that…!
Have a good day everyone! 
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Not an exact overlap, but there are some key similarities with my father here, particularly the emotional distance and zero engagement in talking sex or relationships or boundaries or behaviour with me. It may be a coincidence, but I find it striking.
I am starting to believe that fathers are very much the ground on which we grow, from generation to generation. In my own experience the people I know, both men and women, who struggle with self & relationships, a common factor is a father who is lost, or inward-looking, or otherwise not present.
What this means for me I am not yet sure. I do know that taking my life one day, one action at a time is important. Also being careful with distortions in thinking (cognitive distortions like, I need to be fully this, I should have been fully that, I am struggling more than other people are, I shouldn’t have been weak). These are very triggering for me.
Thanks again RBG for opening this thread. It has helped give some insight 
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I’m so sorry to hear that Michael. The scars run deep and cross generations. My own grandfather on my father’s side abandoned the family as well, when my father was young (not suicide, but left the city and the country & totally cut ties). I can hear the love and faith in you though, and that is wonderful to hear. I will remember you and your family. Take care & God bless
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Truth. Others can fill the role, but it must be filled by someone. I don’t like that at my age I’m still struggling with the deficits my father left me. I’m looking to my higher power now to fill them, because they must be filled somehow.
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I am asking the same question at my age, and also searching for how they can be filled. I am considering it in an organic framework, in terms of growth - I know what healthy behaviour is needed for growth, I know what boundaries create conditions for growth in my life; I believe the principles and standards of my HP and my faith community provide a framework of healthy boundaries for interaction.
I am hopeful for what this may mean for my own behaviour as a father. I don’t have kids but my wife and I are moving toward an adoption; I believe working towards living more in alignment with my values will give me more to work with as a father.
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We’re searching for the same thing. I still reach out to my father, even after I have given up on him. It’s instinctive, innate. After I have convinced myself that I no longer care about it, I still do care. But every time I reach out to him, he disappoints me. I only know of one other way to fill this need.
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After my first suicide attempt my dad told me I should believe in god. Haven’t talked to him since. That was two years ago.
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It’s a delicate dance. I feel you. I’ve been happy to see how you’re processing your experience here. These look like good signs to me. Just the effort to connect, even something as simple as a kind word or even a kind thought - even the effort to create a thread devoted to better understanding our relationships with our fathers - all of this is healthy and growth oriented; I think even if the positive result isn’t seen from him, there is at least some positive result in you. Hoping things keep moving forward for you
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I I’ll let you know when I know.
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I used to hate my Dad, then I was indifferent, and now I understand him as just another one of us fucked up humans trying to do the best they can.
I learned more from him by subtraction than I ever did by addition and I am thankful that he put me on this earth.
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