I am currently going through an awful relapse. I am so weak, I really hate myself. I have let both myself and my 8 year old son down. Bless his heart he has no idea. I don’t get paralytic I just drink steadily from morning to evening. I lost my husband last year to a heart attack. I try so hard to be strong, but life has dealt us such a curve ball. I work so many jobs and so so hard keeping a roof over our heads and being both mom and dad to my boy. I just break sometimes. My son is home from school sick which meant I dont have to go out, which meant I could hit the bottle. I’m so sick of this vicious circle. I just want to die and start again in a world where there is no alcohol. 
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Oh @Redmars that sounds so difficult 
You haven’t let anyone down. You are showing up for your son as best you can after a terrible tragedy. You clearly love him very much and that is one of the most important things.
It sounds like you might be isolating yourself? Ive heard a few people say that the opposite of addiction is community. Have you tried going to online aa meetings? Intherooms.com has a meeting every hour or so through most of the day and the people there are very supportive.
If you go up and share, even if just to ask for help and say you’re really struggling, you will get women messaging you on there offering their help.
It might help to just share out loud to a group of people who know how it feels to hate ourselves because we can’t control our drinking.
Try to be kind to yourself, you deserve it.
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I’m so sorry for your loss and the hardships you suffer…I’m sure you know life would be easier and happier without alcohol. You deserve that life. Do you have anyone who could care for your son while you prioritize yourself for once?
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Thank you, unfortunately not. I am alone here in a foreign country, my family are thousands of miles away. The people I did have to help.with my son are staying away, they are old and terrified of catching Covid from my son as children can be symptomless carriers. You are right, life without alcohol is much better, I am self medicating the pain. It isn’t working. I will try harder tomorrow. Thank you again dear friend for your words.
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Thank you for your words Kipper. I am struggling so much at the moment, and yes I do isolate myself. I would be ashamed to be caught out. I did so well and managed to stay a month sober. I loved it! I do need help, I will definately take a look at the site you reccomended. I can’t go on like this. My son deserves better. Thank you again my friend. I will try harder tomorrow.
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I know you can do it!!! Self medicating is something I’m familiar with… when I self medicated I disliked myself, felt unworthy of love or friendships found daily life something that I was trying to survive rather than live and enjoy… something that has helped me has been putting my headphones on and listening to sober podcasts whilst I do the housework. I felt as though I was still functioning but also working on being sober at the same time. Anything and everything is worth a try! You are not isolated on Here… reach out to me any time
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Try and be kind to yourself. It doesn’t have to be about trying harder, just trying differently until you find something that works for you. A month is excellent and even if you have relapsed, it doesn’t take away the month you got.
The website I recommended is an AA based meeting. If you have never been to AA, or have any questions or hesitanceies, please feel free to ask me.
I’m no expert but I put off going to aa for years, mostly because I’m atheist and I thought it was going to be very religious, and my drinking only got worse. I’ve found it to be so useful in my recovery - an essential part of the toolkit.
Hi @ANew, I’m so sorry for your loss and the hard times you find yourself in. I’m sending you strength 
This battle is a hard one to fight, try not to be too hard on yourself. Just know that you are not alone! We are here right with you. I am praying for you and your family. 
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