Oh boy, today has been a tough one. I am 40 days sober and I am inches from pouring myself a drink. I had one of my most stressful workdays I’ve had in over five years. Like, panic attack stress levels. It started at 6:30am when I started working in my home office (aka my livingroom) and was working nonstop on 911 requests/demands until 6pm. I won’t bore anyone with the details, but I work for a corporation that is rumored to be laying a large portion of its staff off. Needless to say, tensions are high. After working 11.5 hours one of the brewers (did I mention I work in the alcohol business?) dropped of four cases of our newest product on my doorstep. Four freaking cases of canned cocktails!!! He didn’t even knock or warn me that he was dropping them off. Just a texted, “I left something special for you at your door.” I was really hoping for some cookies, but nope. Canned cocktails were just waiting for me. They are still sitting there and I’m trying to find a friend to come grab them for me. In the last three hours I’ve had a little devil version of me whispering that it won’t hurt just have one sip.
To understand this struggle a little more I think it’s important to point out that this is a product I helped develop, design, and build a market strategy around. I have spent the last year help build a whole new brand and it just came out. I worked endlessly with the team on creating these cocktails and fine tuning the flavors. I have spent countless hours working with a sales team building presentations for national retailers. I could go on and on. Normally I’d be celebrating the release of this new product with copious amounts of drinks and sharing all of the free alcohol I have at my fingertips.
Instead of pouring myself an alcoholic beverage, I made some tea and decided to write a post. My chest is tight, my mind is racing, I’m on the verge of tears, and feel incredibly alone. I know I’ll get through this, but some days are just really f*#king hard.
Congratulations on your 40 Days! That’s amazing. It sounds like a tough day. Really rough. And your addictive brain is coming up with all the excuses and rewards. I use to love a good reward. Until the next morning when the headache and hangover came. And then the shame of drinking again and letting myself down. And not being able to remember shit.
Now I celebrate with a really really long really really hot shower. 20-30 minutes. Just let it melt away. Then a nice meditation or cook a nice meal with lots of sparkling water.
It sounds like you’re on top of this lousy day. You’re going to be so grateful and full of pride tomorrow when you don’t cave.
Love seeing posts like this, my friend. Not nice to hear of anyone going through struggles but I am sure many can relate and posts like yours provide inspiration and a reminder that there are other options when these challenges inevitably hit us - and you are right … Sometimes they REALLY hit us!
Just wanted to let you realize you are a source of inspiration.
Speaking personally, I’m also under a lot of pressure at work and we are heading towards the weekend so I know to expect these thoughts to creep in again (they have been there this week) but you are a reminder to keep fighting it.
Need to stay focused on that good morning feeling and not the memories of supposedly “good, relaxing” feelings. They are a lie and would only steal away from tomorrow’s happiness.
It’s difficult getting surprise booze out the blue, it seems to get the alcoholic voice a surprise attack.
When this happened to me very recently I found it really difficult.
I took a photo of it and sent it to my neighbour, along with them message “I’ve got this for you” … If they had been in at the time I would have instantly delivered it to them.
You need to physically shift that crap ASAP.
While it’s there you are in s very dangerous position, so physically remove it from the equation.
Thank you for the words of encouragement. I needed it. The long shower was a big help. Although stressed, I managed to fall asleep and I am grateful I didn’t have to reset my recovery counter.
Wow, thank you. When feeling defeated it feels strange to be called an inspiration. This morning I woke with another day on my sobriety counter and feeling much stronger.
Good luck and stay strong over the weekend. You’ve got this!
