Thank you so very much for sharing that with me. As you said the guilt and shame of that, especially when i hear that song and really realized I hurt my son. That song made me get sober.
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I can share that with pride. Stand there with my son and sayā¦ Look Iām standing here sober
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Thank you so much. Would you mind PMing me. I canāt send you one and there are some things that I want to ask that I am afraid may be to triggering for others in recovery for similar issues.
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And isnāt it! He is 5ā11ā and 120lbs soaking wet of the whitest ginger I know. But there is power in his words. And now that I have admitted to myself how absolutely and utterly awful I have dropped the ball. I never thought it would be so bad. But that song includes events that I donāt even recall, and I know like I said. I was trying to numb myself so bad. I couldnāt see their pain. How selfish. But instead of hating myself. I see that my trauma brain thinks and acts differently.
Thank God Sober Jesi came back around. Ugh I would have never managed this using.
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Congratulations on 60 Days. It breaks my heart to read about the violence you and your boys have been living with. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your boys. Please stay on your path and get everyone out safe.
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This post took a lot of courage and I respect you for that and I would like to say that many people on here have done things they are not proud of, probably everyone, but thatās why we are all here trying to leave the past behind and working on biulding a future we can be proud of one brick at a time one day at a time. Congrats on your 60 days 
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Jessi. I am so happy to read this. Also to know your TS App is password protected. I was so pissed off and disturb last night when I read your post. Not at you. No no not at you.
You, my dear lady, are the most incredible courageous wonderful smart thought out person Iāve had the pleasure to meet on the internet. If only briefly. You will be in my prayers. Iām so glad you got a plan and getting the help you need. God bless you. I know God puts the right people in the right place at the right time. God bless.
Lots of love.
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Woooooooohoooooo!!! Great job
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Wow Jesi thatās intense. Alot to take in but Iām proud of you.
It takes a huge amount of courage to process, accept and try to change with the things you have going on. Iām glad to see you have an escape plan. And safeguards in place in case you need them.
If you need anything you have my info you can contact me. I have resources if you need them.
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Congrats on your 60 days! My heart goes out to you on your situation and sending HUGS your way. Your share was very honest and heartfelt, and no one is judging you. I am so glad to read that you are working on a plan to get away from that violence. Stay safe & PLEASE keep checking in and letting us know that you and your boys are doing okay. I will definitely keep you in my prayers 
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Thank you.
Each and every one of you.
Iāve never had one person be proud of me much, I donāt have the Grand Army of Me anymore guys.
You all have suited up and charged into battle on my behalf when it comes to my own thoughts.
Thank you for helping me whether the storm.
My life makes sense now. Everything happens for a reason right? I said bull. Most of us did. What in the world reason would their be to be the most amazingly skilled liar and chameleon? I can change me, not my appearance, ME, in the blink of .25 seconds. My trauma specialist said it developed as I kept experiencing trauma. I used it as a survival tactic.
I found the reason. Who knew that at 35 years old I would have to put on the greatest act that the world will never know about.
Btw I got a job yesterday! CNA position at a nursing home a few towns away. I am not allowed to use our vehicle because well itās me, so I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure I have a ride, a bicycle, something. Iām getting to work.
I reached out even to my CYF worker (they are not all bad Iāve come across some nasty ones but for the most part they want to keep your family together) and she has okayed for us to have a case worker actually come into the home a few days a week. Make sure that we are ALL okay. They are MSW, and also have experience with EVERY situation that might pop up. Including mediation and deescalation. Thank God (or whatever you believe in).
I have to admit yāall. You always come through for me. I have never ever ever ever ever ever (EVER!) had that. Iāve been let down my entire life by people I have needed the most. The people that never should have let me down. They always did me the worst. Iām sure a few of us, if not many (Iām going with manyā¦lol), have experienced that.
So I am going to keep up the positivity in here.
Guess what I did??? Once again this bad bitch made it through another day. Sober.
62 days!!!
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Congrats on the job!!!
So no referral bonus for me haha Iām kidding,
But for real its, awesome to see your overcoming your demons and obstacles thatās truly amazing.
However Iām gonna say this and take it with a grain of salt because someone will have another opinion or experience so bear with me.
Pa CYS really does not want to f**k you over, also alot of their threats are empty, like removing children from a home, cannot happen without a court order. And then a Pa COP court date for the parent within if I remember correctly 72 hours. The only person who can place a child in protective custody without a court order is a police officer or a medical professional and they need to have reasonable cause without a doubt to do so. Iād post the PA SS on it, but you get the idea.
Start here, do the right thing, people will begin to notice,
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Yeah in that regardā¦
CYF has protective supervision of Maddox already. Our caseworker now that has us long term because of that even believes itās absolutely absurd. Butā¦ I said my exās (Iām gonna refer to him as that if it alright) family has connects and a lot of dough ray me. We had a case worker named Ashley come in for an anonymous report several months ago. The report? That I was forcing my son to shoot me up. Truth? Fucking outrageous. My oldest could tell I was using before I moved him, although it was still my own pain meds then, but my youngest new that I was āsickā a lot. Tom punished me with forcing me to be dope sick for long period if I pissed him off. Thatās a whole other can of worms I donāt want to open right now. Iām not ready yet.
But, I was drug tested and because it was in fact positive as I had used the night beforeā¦ And because it was heroin. BAMā¦ Protective supervision. It didnāt matter that I was never ever under the influence with my youngest, especially to be alone with him. I was some terrible things during my addiction. A piece of shit mother was never one of them. Wrong decisions based on what I knew to be love. Of course. Plenty of mistakes and fuck ups. Never just an outright bad mom. I love my children too fiercely to ever do that.
In all the bad Iāve done. I have to remind myself of the good. I let my oldest see hell for a bit before I got him the hell out. But he wasnāt in hell the way he portrays it now. If you ask him, no one was there for him ever and his life was awful. I donāt ever let it bother me. Why? He is allowed to feel however he wants. I fucked up. Why else though? Because I know that Iām the one who beat the brakes of my ex MIL for slapping him. Tom went after him once, I took a baseball bat to him. Yes there were a couple times I tried and failed as Tom ended up getting both of us. But I never just literally sat there and let it happen. Whatever version Gavin remembers. I remind myself that he experienced trauma. Even in the form of seeing me abused and then the own that he experienced. He is in therapy. And I know a million times over I did right by sending him away.
He is a senior graduates this year. Holds a full time job as well. Had a license his own car and pays for it. Is saving. Is on honor roll.
If I was such a POS, yāall know that just wouldnāt be the case. He was raised well. With the right moral and ethical lessons instilled in him.
I got a little off there. But yes. My caseworker over seeing the supervision, is amazing. If I were ever reaching a point where they were considering removing him, she would tell me before she filed anything. She would say literally, we need to fix this immediately. Lol.
CYF gets a bad rap. They really do. However, they do have some case workers that just ultimately form opinions and base their decisions off that instead of facts.
When the supervision happened. Like I said the caseworker who initiated it. It happens to by my ex MILS best friend. I knew what it wasā¦
And right now. I am just loving it. His mom keeps trying so hard to screw me. Making reports of drug use and neglect and abuse. Itās all going against her at this point because I have an active case, a worker who follows closely, and she has no idea right now that CYF is planning to file charges for abuse of services.
Karma.
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The original caseworker who was part of the case who is friends with your EX MIL should have been removed from the situation due to a ethical conflict of interest. If push came to shove, she could possibly lose her job. Thereās a difference between mandated reporter and abuse of power.
Iām not a lawyer nor do I pretend to be one on TV,however Iām quite familiar with the inner workings of the commonwealth of Pennsylvania I lived there most of my life.
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CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU ARE IN A CONSTANT ENDLESS BATTLE AND YOU ARE COMING OUT ON TOP. Stay strong 
and focus on the positives of your sobriety
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Wow. You are one brave woman. Congrats on your sobriety. Keep it going, donāt give up. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will say a prayer for you and Maddox.
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Just keep in mind, he doesnāt have to access an app to see what youāre posting here. This is a website open to the public. You donāt even have to join the forum to read everyoneās posts. āSober timeā is the app with the counter, whereas ātalking soberā is the website that youāre on right now.
Sending you love and light. Iāve had the goosebumps reading your story. You are clearly very strongā¦you are alive and sober despite your circumstances. Well done getting a new job, a great step in your recovery. Off to SoundCloud nowā¦thankyou for sharing 
