The Big 60... Its Taken me 4hrs 17min to have the balls to post this (tw domestic violence)

60 Damned Days!

I. DID. THAT. Me, myself, I. The Grand Army of me kicking addictions ass and rocking my recovery. Even with the extreme lows that I have had, I have been able to remind myself the entire time of how far I have come in just that 60 days. I’m so excited to see what the rest of my life holds.

This absolutely amazing gift that I FINALLY gave to myself and my boys.

That brings me to this… I am not being honest in my recovery. Or with you, about certain truths. These are things I am very ashamed of. I do understand that it’s normal to feel that. It just truly is hard to admit some of these. But here we are…

No. It’s nothing like I am using or anything like that.

  1. I have been living as a victim of an extremely violent abusive marriage for 8 solid years now.
  2. The man I have loved fiercely without judgement, just unconditionally (old school real ride or die) has physically hurt me so severely that I have been on life support.
  3. That man has looked into my eyes while actively trying to take my life.
  4. That man has not enabled my using, he has controlled it. It dawned on me I have only ever copped for myself maybe a handful of times.
  5. He will try to make me relapse as he knows then I will not be able to get Maddox and leave.

These are harder and if no one talks to me I understand.

5 My oldest son lives in Illinois currently with my mother because I was unable to properly address and handle and resolve a situation correctly due to my addiction. I saved him the only way I knew how in that moment and it was to get him out and away. From me, from Tom from all of it.

  1. I have been estranged from Maddox 3 separate times for extended periods no less than 7 months because I would attempt to leave Tom and he would keep Maddox.

Now can I share the positives of my day:

  1. As bad as things really are, and let’s face it kids… it’s a shit show, I have fought for and maintained my recovery and sobriety. That in and of itself is a miracle, and you all are aware that is not an overdramatic answer… Because
  2. I am so amazingly proud of myself because even the way he has treated me as of lately, I have never broke. I won’t allow it. I am holding to my word of not letting anyone ever do that to me again.
  3. I have finally realized the difference between accepting that my addiction and mental health was absolutely under my control. My entire life I have developed OCD to an unimaginable level because I had no control over anything that was happening. I didn’t have a voice.

I found my voice again… And it feels amazing because I know that I so deeply deserve it. I’ve done the work myself. For myself. By myself, with some amazing support along the way.

All in all this is not a negative post. Just some things that I had to absolutely accept as truth.

I hope the night find everyone in good spirits.

And once again, thank you for listening to me. No one has to read my posts but you do and you continue to support me. I appreciate that more than y’all know.

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Congratulations on 60 days! You are making positive changes and are doing a great job. Keep going and just remember how amazing you feel. :yellow_heart:

I literally jst joined this forum about 15 min ago, and didnt expect to come across a story as extravegant as yours. The fact that you have managed to maintain your sobriety is amazing congrats girl. In addition don’t ever think that jst because you have a testimony that people arent going to respond the situations youve been through recently is insane to say the least…stay strong girl and good luck with your kids. Dont know how religouse you know but the bible says that god helps those who help themselves and i can tell you coming from a dirty,muddy background who uses alcohol as an excuse for everything from numbing out pain, to PTSD, or w.e my justification is for the day.
You let me know, and remind me that if you can do it than I can too…you have a strong testimony good luck and thanx

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You are awesome, congratulations on 60 days!

Yes you done a great job. But I find this post very disturbing. I don’t care how long you’ve lived with this guy. You need to get out. You are worth so much more than that. I don’t know what else to say. Can you Somehow Find a safe place and get out?
@Lisa07 ?
@CapriciousCapricorn ?

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Congratulations on 60 days!! What an awesome accomplishment!

You’re in a horrible living situation. Now that your sober, please start planning your escape safely. Do it for yourself and your children. This man sounds like he has the potential to kill you. You said it yourself, he put you on life support. You are worthy of a happy loving sober life and you’re not going to find it with him. Can you go stay with your mom? We’re all here for you!

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Proud of you Jesi :hugs: :innocent:

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What an amazing accomplishment. That takes REAL courage my friend. Admitting certain truths is not easy, and we all have our demons… I hope that sharing yours has helped remove some weight off of you. It makes me absolutely sick that your husband has even laid a finger on you, let alone sent you to the hospital. I commend you for staying the path. The rest can be worked out now with a clear head. I hope in the future I hear that he is gone for good, and hopefully serving time for being such a piece of shit. I wish you all the best in your recovery from addiction as well as the recovery of your son. :v:t3: :white_heart:

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I was very aware, and expecting comments about my safety, and the kids. It’s the main reason for posting.

Because now I know that I can answer these with actual answers instead of excuses for reasons why I am not strong enough. He may have stole my light, but I’m not effing dead.

With that being said. My entire treatment team is aware, I am in close contact with a DV shelter here as well as a few other wonderful people. Please understand that we are right now developing a SAFE way to approach this. That in and of itself is something I never would have considering doing in my addiction. I would have been too afraid of losing my son to save him. I am disgusted with how incredible selfish I have been in that regard. I got lost in how much pain I was experiencing. I forgot that just because I numbed my pain, I couldn’t do a thing about theirs. They both have needed me for so long. Fear has driven a lot of my decisions.

My fear is once again driving me, in a completely different way. There are things in play I hope everyone can understand I will not discuss in detail here. We have a violent past. He’s never let me go easily. This will be dangerous. I’m taking the one thing he feels he has left. He knows he has lost me. Which is why this is such a sensitive situation.

Right now, he is NOT physically abusive. Yes he is absolutely just an ignorant dick to me anymore. But hell, I’ve been dealing with that my entire life. I CAN DO THIS.

I will admit I have opened up to this group as whether you like it or not, you save my life. Every single day. By understanding because you ACTUALLY get it. By being compassionate because you have had people absolutely refuse to give it, when it was the ONLY thing you needed.

I know I can do this. I was hoping that you know I can do this, and wouldn’t mind reminding me when times get tough or I second guess myself for one fraction of a millisecond.

The most important thing I want each and every single one of you to know is that you make this a SAFE space for me to be me. Right now I have to be a chameleon. I’m going to pull off the act of the century the world will never know of, and that’s even better.

I can’t go into specific details. Just in the far chance he ever got into this app. It’s in a password protected space on my phone securely aside with a few others like my link for my video appts and my Zoom NA meetings. Over the next one week to few weeks I need to be someone else. I need to need him to think I am the woman I was. Become a doting wife. Inspite of the pain. Let the pain guide me, drive me, and ultimately allow me to grab the freedom I’ve been desperately grasping at for so very long. I have never felt SAFE anywhere. Not even in my own head sometimes as I have developed along with my CPTSD a literal just debilitating level of anxiety now that I sometimes have moments where I fear that I’m going to just die doing the simplest thing like standing. I didn’t have that until I got back here. I know it’s related to my level of fear and anxiety on a daily level.

Women and a few men have always been able to tell on some level, that I was a DV victim. (I’m a survivor now but anyway). I saw it. I carry it. All over. My face has aged not from just use, but a lifetime of forceably faking the most amazing smile you’ve ever seen. Oh I was just a light for everyone, until the very end of my addiction where it was just awful. I was going to die. By his hand or my own.

Ugh. I did it again. I’m sorry. Writing for me has always been something that I have enjoyed doing. Mainly because it allows me to put my thoughts out exactly how I feel them. I’m not great with words on the fly so much. Rehearsed. Sure. Off the fly. Oh. Good. Lord. Never ever ever let me give a toast at someone’s wedding again. My kids poor godmother. But anyway…

Oh and quickly. If you want to know how. I check in with you all before I do anything else in the morning. And then if I posted or replied to something that really got my invested, I check in thru the day. But I’m on in some form every single morning and have been. Getting out my stuff a little and being able to interact with others in a SAFE place. Check in with each other, support one another with and here is the best part… Everyone has accepted each and everyone. Without knowing anything more than this…

Hi. My name is Jesi, and I am an addict, and I am 62 days clean today …

Anyway, I found out this morning. My redheaded ginger amazing 17 year son wants to be a rapper. And he didn’t tell me because the song is about me and my addiction and what it cost him. He was AFRAID I would be mad that because I shared the song with my NA group letting them know that literally every single time I have even thought about the drug, not using, even just it. I listen to it. You can hear his pain in the most beautiful way. If that makes sense.

Anyway. Here is me hoping I don’t get in trouble for saying this. Lol. I’m not afraid of my truths anymore. To get anywhere in my damn recovery I had to admit those. And accept myself for them anyway. My son loves me still even more than he did then. He’s seen my darkest of days unfortunately, I would try to hide my pain from him. That kid always knew. I couldn’t hide a thing.

I’m doing this because I really feel it could help someone like it has me. It’s gotten attention of someone important that can help my son get it the attention it needs. But he gave me permission to share it here, I had to get permission and I had to be absolutely sure that I was mentally and emotionally stable enough to accept these things as hard as they are.

I don’t believe anyone will look at me different, I know I am not the only one that has just decimated relationships in their addiction especially if there was a mental health issue as well.

If anyone has soundcloud. It’s called save me by butterfly gavo. By the way the Butterfly is in reference to butterfly dreams alliance which is my mother’s organization. Man she dropped the ball on me as well like I said, but she has been helping so many other people. That is why I still love her so.

Ha ha. I should start giving awards for people that finish reading these. I am so sorry, I really hope that no one is mad or upset with me, but I am willing to accept those feelings if they are happening.

My absolute thanks and gratefulness for this app is beyond what I can express with just words.

Who knew a damn song and app would be what eventually got me to feel enough power to STAY SOBER!

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Stay strong stay safe and god bless love x

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I am sorry for that, I did know that it may affect some I see now that I believe I just have been over character as the title doesn’t include the TW I put in. I am very sorry about that. Especially because the title looks so happy.

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Never say sorry for writing and sharing your thoughts. They are important! And I understand the hoops that you have to go through for bad situations to come to an end. I know someone who is in a emotional and physical abuse situation and she is a year into working her way out. These things take time, and you sound like you are working it out. I don’t know you, but I am proud of you.

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My biggest, hugest, most superest Mom hug is happening to you right now. Just feel it. Lol.

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Thank you for truly understanding that about DV situations. The worst thing to ever say… right… “Why don’t you just leave?”.

La la la Listen Linda, I enjoy breathing

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Just gonna leave this here. Don’t think I need a caption.

And also this because I my anxiety had me feeling like it was going to be a completion of my actual life…

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Shit one more thing I have fat thumbs. You can see it’s 61 not 62. I’m not trying to get an extra day. LMFAO. I have shrek thumbs. Don’t come at me. It’s not my fault. I don’t look like anyone in my family so shit my brother told me I was the milkman’s kid. Blame it on the milkman!

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Thanks for sharing @Jesilouwho. You’re helping me while helping yourself. Me, a 55 year old Dutch bloke with a history of abuse and a personality disorder on his way to therapy. This is what this is all about. Keep going. One day at a time. Huge congrats on 2 months and big hugs.

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Lol listen Linda, it’s not that simple :joy:

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So glad you are working with a DV program and others and developing a plan. That is so important. I can relate to the difficulties of such a relationship, my first husband was physically abusive and in the end tried to kill me, then killed himself. It messed with my idea of what love is for sure. I am glad you feel safe sharing here and with others. I know there can be a lot of shame. :heart:

And congratulations on your 60 days. :heart: Wishing you much healing and continued strength.

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:joy::rofl::joy::rofl::joy:. Riiiiight