I was very aware, and expecting comments about my safety, and the kids. It’s the main reason for posting.
Because now I know that I can answer these with actual answers instead of excuses for reasons why I am not strong enough. He may have stole my light, but I’m not effing dead.
With that being said. My entire treatment team is aware, I am in close contact with a DV shelter here as well as a few other wonderful people. Please understand that we are right now developing a SAFE way to approach this. That in and of itself is something I never would have considering doing in my addiction. I would have been too afraid of losing my son to save him. I am disgusted with how incredible selfish I have been in that regard. I got lost in how much pain I was experiencing. I forgot that just because I numbed my pain, I couldn’t do a thing about theirs. They both have needed me for so long. Fear has driven a lot of my decisions.
My fear is once again driving me, in a completely different way. There are things in play I hope everyone can understand I will not discuss in detail here. We have a violent past. He’s never let me go easily. This will be dangerous. I’m taking the one thing he feels he has left. He knows he has lost me. Which is why this is such a sensitive situation.
Right now, he is NOT physically abusive. Yes he is absolutely just an ignorant dick to me anymore. But hell, I’ve been dealing with that my entire life. I CAN DO THIS.
I will admit I have opened up to this group as whether you like it or not, you save my life. Every single day. By understanding because you ACTUALLY get it. By being compassionate because you have had people absolutely refuse to give it, when it was the ONLY thing you needed.
I know I can do this. I was hoping that you know I can do this, and wouldn’t mind reminding me when times get tough or I second guess myself for one fraction of a millisecond.
The most important thing I want each and every single one of you to know is that you make this a SAFE space for me to be me. Right now I have to be a chameleon. I’m going to pull off the act of the century the world will never know of, and that’s even better.
I can’t go into specific details. Just in the far chance he ever got into this app. It’s in a password protected space on my phone securely aside with a few others like my link for my video appts and my Zoom NA meetings. Over the next one week to few weeks I need to be someone else. I need to need him to think I am the woman I was. Become a doting wife. Inspite of the pain. Let the pain guide me, drive me, and ultimately allow me to grab the freedom I’ve been desperately grasping at for so very long. I have never felt SAFE anywhere. Not even in my own head sometimes as I have developed along with my CPTSD a literal just debilitating level of anxiety now that I sometimes have moments where I fear that I’m going to just die doing the simplest thing like standing. I didn’t have that until I got back here. I know it’s related to my level of fear and anxiety on a daily level.
Women and a few men have always been able to tell on some level, that I was a DV victim. (I’m a survivor now but anyway). I saw it. I carry it. All over. My face has aged not from just use, but a lifetime of forceably faking the most amazing smile you’ve ever seen. Oh I was just a light for everyone, until the very end of my addiction where it was just awful. I was going to die. By his hand or my own.
Ugh. I did it again. I’m sorry. Writing for me has always been something that I have enjoyed doing. Mainly because it allows me to put my thoughts out exactly how I feel them. I’m not great with words on the fly so much. Rehearsed. Sure. Off the fly. Oh. Good. Lord. Never ever ever let me give a toast at someone’s wedding again. My kids poor godmother. But anyway…
Oh and quickly. If you want to know how. I check in with you all before I do anything else in the morning. And then if I posted or replied to something that really got my invested, I check in thru the day. But I’m on in some form every single morning and have been. Getting out my stuff a little and being able to interact with others in a SAFE place. Check in with each other, support one another with and here is the best part… Everyone has accepted each and everyone. Without knowing anything more than this…
Hi. My name is Jesi, and I am an addict, and I am 62 days clean today …
Anyway, I found out this morning. My redheaded ginger amazing 17 year son wants to be a rapper. And he didn’t tell me because the song is about me and my addiction and what it cost him. He was AFRAID I would be mad that because I shared the song with my NA group letting them know that literally every single time I have even thought about the drug, not using, even just it. I listen to it. You can hear his pain in the most beautiful way. If that makes sense.
Anyway. Here is me hoping I don’t get in trouble for saying this. Lol. I’m not afraid of my truths anymore. To get anywhere in my damn recovery I had to admit those. And accept myself for them anyway. My son loves me still even more than he did then. He’s seen my darkest of days unfortunately, I would try to hide my pain from him. That kid always knew. I couldn’t hide a thing.
I’m doing this because I really feel it could help someone like it has me. It’s gotten attention of someone important that can help my son get it the attention it needs. But he gave me permission to share it here, I had to get permission and I had to be absolutely sure that I was mentally and emotionally stable enough to accept these things as hard as they are.
I don’t believe anyone will look at me different, I know I am not the only one that has just decimated relationships in their addiction especially if there was a mental health issue as well.
If anyone has soundcloud. It’s called save me by butterfly gavo. By the way the Butterfly is in reference to butterfly dreams alliance which is my mother’s organization. Man she dropped the ball on me as well like I said, but she has been helping so many other people. That is why I still love her so.
Ha ha. I should start giving awards for people that finish reading these. I am so sorry, I really hope that no one is mad or upset with me, but I am willing to accept those feelings if they are happening.
My absolute thanks and gratefulness for this app is beyond what I can express with just words.
Who knew a damn song and app would be what eventually got me to feel enough power to STAY SOBER!
