No, Schnitzel is looking like this:
This is called Schweinshaxe. Haxe is the leg… With bone.
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As to what your mother said, you look beautiful always and that’s the truth not to mention you’re very in shape. You can ride your bike forever and walk forever. That’s beauty right there. Not to mention your brains. Your mother sounds like half witch, sorry. Like my sweet and dear Aunt, who asked me when I was going somewhere a month or two ago if I was gonna go looking like a black widow like I usually look like. 
Not Nice. Just because she’s in her last days with stage four metastasized lung cancer and still manages to look like she’s about 25 doesn’t mean the rest of us do…
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Update: this is a veritable stress test for me. I am sleep deprived and the heat in the city plus my mother is just too much and I can handle it less well.
But it’s safe to resume that we are exactly back to where we left from last year.
It’s difficult to describe how our communication works. Bit I think it’s still a safe guess that noone except for some rare people (from her life I don’t know) meet her expectations.
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You are doing great just by showing up and she isn’t meeting your expectations either so you are even. It’s not your job to be who she wants you to be, it’s your job just to be you.
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Back in the hotel. I had a healthier dinner today (salad with goat cheese). I had a nap before we went out for dinner. I was so exhausted. And woke up like I hit the train. Still, I won’t falter. There is no going back. Had 2 good quality decafs, small ones.
Thanks for reading my bs.
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Family bonds can be soooooo tough to deal with. I think it’s brave that you don’t give up but try to build a contact with her. You can’t control how she reacts to you and I‘m sorry that she and your brother confront you with their smallmindedness. You have outgrown her.
Hugs, friend 
P.S. You’re not ugly, not a tiny little bit.
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Day 41 here. Slept not well again.
We are having a sightseeing tour and then going home.
We can talk about general things, politics and stuff but nothing that goes deeper. It’s a difficult territory. But I made it. Problem now is that she thinks probably all is back to normal, me coming home for Christmas and stuff. For me, I don’t know. But I can talk about this with my therapist tomorrow.
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You don’t need to know now if you‘re coming home christmas. You‘ll see.
I admire how you do this, Franzi. You are so unfuckingbelievably strong.
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I fucked it up during the last minutes. I was overwhelmed. The fucking heat and all these people.
I am not strong @DanielaJ . I am the problem because I cannot handle our communication well. It’s so aggressive, I have a huge part in it because I hear her voice aggressively. And she is so damn critical of everything. Everyone. Idk.
Bottom line is that I fucked up because I am back to where I’ve been over a year ago and we didn’t talk about anything. Of course. Because that’s how we handle things. We ignore them as good as we can. I might have to vent during the next days here. Sorry. But this thread is my little peaceful island atm.
The sightseeing tour was great. I like Munich better especially because Munich is not Bavaria. The major is now green and Munich was never black. I like 
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Being strong IMO doesn’t mean to do everything in perfection. For me, facing sober a hard situation that you can‘t solve, is brave and strong.
Always come here to vent if you need it
P.S. I love that green Munich is a pain in the ass for black bavaria and especially Mr Söder
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I can understand mother issues. I haven’t talked to my mother in about two years. While I wish I could have a good relationship with her like some have with their mothers, I know I never will. Cutting off contact was the last option.
I’m not advising that, but just saying that I understand the difficulties the mother relationship can bring, even if each relationship is difficult in their own ways.
Hang in there.
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Maybe you didn’t fuck it up. Maybe you just said what felt right at the time. You get to choose how you interact in the future.
I for one am damn proud of you. Early in a quit you tackled a Mother of a trip and that is fearless.
I took my Mom out of town just a year or two into my sobriety and ate the whole non-alcoholic section of the hotel’s minibar in a self soothing scramble. You survived! Sober!
I pack my coffee maker away today and woke up with a headache. I have plans that I’m tempted to blow off but I won’t because @Puzzled showed me bravery.
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My Mom died a few years ago but we were never close. I never once in my life thought “oh something good or bad or scary or exciting happened, I can’t wait to tell my Mom” and I will always be jealous of people who had that.
With distance and time, sobriety and healing I am forgiving myself for our relationship and forgiving her. I’m sure if our paths crossed in the afterlife we would start right back where we ended but my heart is open to her again. These aren’t suggestions, just my own thoughts. Your brain and your body knows what feels good for you and if it isn’t her, keep your distance.
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Day 42, that’s 6 weeks. 1.5 months in other words.
I took the OTC med, one whole tablet which was too much. I slept like a baby for 8h which was great but am still tired. I thought I can have one after the restless weekend. I can forgive me that.
It’s a short working week.
@TrustyBird Emilie, don’t you take some painkillers. I mean I did when the headaches were too bad. Then some weeks later I didn’t because they came from my neck and surprisingly dissipated after a short time.
You can do this. I could. You can as well.
Update after therapy session.
During the day I was so tired which came in waves. It was so intense, nothing compared to the tiredness due to sleep deprivation. We talked about the weekend and the feelings: anger, frustration/sadness and guilt and I had to describe them sitting on different chairs. The frustration/sadness chair made me feel exactly like I did during the day: exhausted, deadly tired. And when she asked me if looking from outside, I would have a feeling of compassion for this woman sitting there, I said that in that moment this voice I getting louder: don’t be such a Sissi. You shouldn’t complain, build a good relationship with your mother before she’s dead. You will regret it once she’s gone. And this voice also comes out when someone else will try to show me compassion.
Anger was there as my mother won’t respect my boundaries and setting her expectations on things I cannot attain. Never. It’s impossible. And then there is the guilt.
It was a good, yet exhausting session. I don’t know what this will help but at least I can say that my current physical tiredness is related to some sadness.
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I do take painkillers but for all the stuff I’ve tipped into this body over the years I don’t like taking pills. I used to have a hard time swallowing them and now they are a last resort.
I was taking acetaminophen and now I’ve stepped down to baby aspirin. My bottle of aspirin is now on my counter in the place my coffee maker once was.
I got myself with caffeine yesterday. While running errands I bought a bottled coffee drink which I regret. My sleep was garbage, my teeth were back to clenched and I could feel my shoulders tensing as I lay in bed.
I am surprised one drink (ha! why would I be surprised) had that big of an effect on me. Back on track.
This quote stood out for me. All the pressure is on you with this phrasing to build that relationship and a relationship takes two people. I remember feeling like this, if I were just quieter, more like her, happier etc. Just keep being you and I say good job for a weekend survived.
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Evening check in of day 43.
Some reflections. I didn’t sleep long. But regenerative so the watch said and I felt a lot better than yesterday. Take home message for me: one whole pill gives me extreme hangovers. I felt it in the gym where I didn’t have any motivation and power to move whatsoever of my body. And in combination of the aftermath of the weekend I was soooooo exhausted yesterday. I even had a pillow in front of my laptop because I was so damn tired.
Thank you all for wise words and encouragement. I’ve talked with my colleague who also understands from her own mother and also encourages me to go my way. I got lot of good thoughts from many people. Although the guilt tripping bitch is there, she is not as loud as yesterday.
Yoga session I did after work was great.
My mother is writing me text messages with random stuff. I guess that’s how she want to keep in contact. I react with emojis only. Idk. It doesn’t feel good. The guilt comes up immediately.
On the caffeine front: I am so glad I didn’t give in yesterday. A huge part is also the artificial sweetener and other bs stuff I crossed out of my diet.
One day at a time. Don’t want to go back.
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You guys are doing great. Keep going. Every day matters.
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Day 44. Didn’t sleep really. Like crap. Don’t see the point of posting anymore. Sleep is not related to caffeine obviously.
Day 30 of this cycle.
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It could still be a factor. You’re only 44 days out. I’m not saying it definitely is, but you don’t use a drug for years and expect your body to fall into line in a little over a month. Mine didn’t. Sleep tends to take a while to resolve, even when getting off standard medications that are considered to be fairly benign.
Sleep tends to be much poorer in the second half of one’s cycle as well. Some people are more sensitive to that than others. Have you tracked your sleep in the first half of your cycle compared to the second half to see if there is a noticeable difference?
Hang in there.
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