Ok… so here goes… I woke up angry this morning, for no apparent reason or at anyone specific. My thoughts continue to wish I could have gotten sober sooner… maybe I wouldn’t have done the things I did… the horrible selfish and cowardly things I did… I can’t forgive myself, how could I ever expect someone else to forgive me??? If I can’t even see myself as a good person, how will anyone else?? I’m so scared I’m going to relapse, I have thoughts of it constantly… like when I was drinking. Coming up with every excuse to justify buying a bottle. Thank God that has not happened…yet… along with the low self esteem comes depression… or maybe it’s the other way around? Either way, that’s where I’m at, along with anger and thoughts of self harm. Both in my recovery and to myself. I was prescribed some anxiety meds that I have not started taking yet. They have been sitting on my table, unopened for about 2 months. Lately I’ve had thoughts of,how many would it take to get “high?” Or even worse, how many would it take, if it would even work, to not wake up again? Would any body even notice? And if so, how long would it take? And who would even care? Would anyone? What’s the point of being if I have no one to share it with? No one that I can enjoy life with? Is it wrong to crave affection? Sometimes I just need a hug so bad, a little compassion from somewhere. Have I really created such a monster in myself through my years of drinking that I no longer deserve those things? I try to be there for anyone in need at the drop of a hat. But I feel I do it for selfish reasons. I do it so that I actually feel needed or appreciated. And I don’t feel good about it after I’m done. Today has been rough, one of the toughest yet… but I am strong enough to make it, one minute at a time right now. And hopefully I will wake up feeling a little better in the morning. I am sorry for the long and very negative post, I just really needed to get this stuff out there and I don’t know where else to turn. Thank you to anyone that took the time to read this. Any feedback is appreciated and welcomed.
Mike, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone on here or any person whose been in active addiction that has not felt the same way or similar.
You’re not a monster or anything horrid. You simply are a person with a disease that can and will get better day by day with putting the drink down. If you don’t, it won’t.
The 9th step promises do happen, I so thought I’d fucked it all up beyond repair. Nope, they’re working today and will continue as long as I don’t drink.
There’s really no need to be so hard on ourselves anymore, we did that shit enough.
Your being really hard on yourself, we cant change the past we can only make a better future. It’s the same for us all.
Maybe go back and speak with your dr or who prescribed your meds and be honest how your feeling, really they are the only people who can help when you feel like this.
I hope you start to feel better, if I were you I’d get to a dr straight away, and I know its easier said than done but you need to get out of your own thoughts especially when they are making you spiral in circles and doubt yourself.
Definitely speak to a dr, it sounds as though there support could help you, and be honest with them that your tablets are just sitting at the table and be honest how you feel.
Sending you a hug 
dont be mean to yourself, your doing well and we all need help and support to get through.
The demons are inside all of us and if we listen too long to what they say our lives will be ruined.
I had to conciously decide to stop listening to the voices that whispered it’s better to die, it will be peaceful, there is no point to anything in this life, and on and on.
It helped me to look at the positive things left in my life. To sit there and count them, over and over, as many as I can for as long as I can. I’m still here, I’m healthy, my kids are safe, I can talk with my friends and laugh.
Take a deep breath, realize at least for this breath life is ok, that we are an atom in an ocean that itself is an atom in a bigger ocean and we are part of that. It’s all good. Sending love and good vibes to wherever you are 
Thank you all for the insight and advice. I have set up an appointment with my Dr., I will be in to see her on the 11th. I am feeling a little better this morning. Just trying to keep my head up and keep in mind that I do have a little over 60 days sober. Hopefully today is a good day. I hope you all have a great day and thank you again.
Hey man, just reading your post. I recently relapsed after 6 months of sobriety. If I can pass on any advice it’s too take this one day at a time. You have over 60 days and that’s absolutely incredible. Just remind yourself what is simply just another 24. I got ahead of myself counting months and lost site of the reality of this disease. It’s super cliche but we just gotta take it one day at a time. Good luck today, I hope that you have an amazing Friday.
I’m so sorry you are going through a really rough time and I may not completely understand what you are going through but I do understand some. There are people that care about you, you are loved and believe that you are one strong person, you are one of a kind and there is only one you out there.
I understand know what it feels like to have negative thoughts and have them consume you, what you have done in the past is long gone and done for. Now you have the present and to live one second at a time that’s what I am trying to do, we can do it together.
You should try talking to your doctor about the medication they made give you, they might help you.
If you ever need help or a person to vent too I am here, you are not alone and we are in this together you don’t have to do this on your own.
Take care of yourself remember
You are loved
You are cared for
You are not alone
Doorknob…
I met with a coworker after work and we started chatting outside in the parking lot. He has been sober 7 years. His advice, after I told him I was having a hard time with my sobriety, he replied doorknob.
He followed up to say that in end, we put so much pressure on our selves to stay sober that sometimes we go down a different rabbit hole. One that is often self destructive because we start putting ourselves down for wanting to break our sobriety when in the end, it’s all a simple action… Don’t do it.
So visualize something, an object, something totally random like a doorknob.
And when you start going off on a tangent in your head, and lose track on what’s happening right now, in the present moment… Doorknob… or whatever random object you picked. Its a trick to stop yourself, to get out of your head, and back into the present. Take a look around you, take slow breaths and focus on right now. Touch a doorknob if you have to as well. If you start going off on another tangent in your head… doorknob…
Then go do something, clean something, go for a walk, run or paint. The objective is to get your mind off the negative thoughts and into more constructive and positive ones… so doorknob. Haha
I tried it a few times tonight and it kinda works. Maybe it could help you?
Doorknob…
I haven’t broken down in tears so far tonight so… doorknob sir.
You got this. 
Hi Mike, so glad to hear that your day is better today and that you took positive action to address those awful feelings: writing down on the group is a fantastic first step to 1) Unbottle those feelings, 2) realize you’re not alone and a lot of us go through the same rough, difficult patches and 3) know that it DOES get better, in time.
24 hours is what you need to focus on, and being present for those hours the best you can, handle those the best you can. If you need it, go to bed early. A good nigh’t sleep really does wonders to reset those spiralling thoughts.
Sending love and a hug your way - you got this
I want to thank everyone for the feedback and support. I decided to share my thoughts and feelings with my local aa group yesterday, that was tough. But it was a big help. I think I just needed to get it all into the open and get it off my chest. I am feeling a lot better about life today. I hope everyone has a good day and God bless.
Hi Mike,
It’s great to see new folks using this platform to grow their sobriety! I’m really glad you opened up here and got such warm feedback.
I felt the same as you, “what’s the point, it’s too late, all that crap I did how can I ever get past that” etc. What amazed me when I went to AA was that what they told me about working the program of recovery with a sponsor was true - that things got better pretty quickly. I was able to hold my head up and feel good about myself and come to terms with my past actions. I hope you find the same thing. Blessings on your house 
as you roll along in your sobriety.