Looking back, I remember how oversensitive and defensive I used to get whenever anyone criticized my drinking or noticed I was tipsy.
The truth is, the anger was just panic. I was constantly playing a character, trying to look completely sober and pretending I hadn’t even had my first drink of the day yet. It was an exhausting, high-alert game of chess just to protect a secret.
At 1 month and 14 days sober, the biggest relief is having absolutely nothing to hide. I don’t have to manage an illusion anymore. There is so much peace in finally living in the light.
40 years ago I used to hide the effects of my drinking from door security at U18s discos I went to. I was good at it and continued that in some form or other up until last year. It sure is a relief to not have to do it anymore.
Absolutely. I remember being really defensive about people coming to the house unannounced, I said it was because of manners, but really it was the fear of me being caught drunk. My daughter’s friends are in and out of the place like they own it now, there is no way it would fly now.
One of the things I was most humbled by and most grateful for, upon getting sober, was that I did not have to keep my lies straight, and remember what I said about what to whom when. I lived in a constant state of exhaustion and panic.
Being sober, all I have to do is say what I remember, even if my memory is a bit faulty.
Well put. I remember that also. The lies, crazy things I said, drinking in the morning and pretending like my first drink was in the afternoon, etc. Active alcoholism is a full time job as they say. Nothing to hide is an amazing feeling. Thanks for posting this
