I can not even describe how upset I am with myself. I am so disappointed. It literally came out of the blue. Never felt it before and tried like hell but I was literally battling myself and I lost control there was no stopping it. I was crying inside but walking to my truck with such a confident walk and if I could have seen myself I swear I was walking towards my truck as if i were doing nothing wrong, but screaming inside. I feel like I threw away the last 56 days I have spent being the happiest I have been in a year, I threw away my sobriety that I have been so proud of. I did not want to use. But I had no control. That was a scary feeling that I never want to feel again. And although I know I have still accomplished a lot I can not seam to shake this angry ashamed disappointing feeling I have of myself. People say that you don’t have to start your count over for a slip. But the count is so important to me and I feel like I have to start all the way over or im lying to myself and then knowing that I have to start all the way over raises my anxiety extremely. I need advice, help, anything!
Hey @britshantel thankyou for the heartfelt post and welcome to the group , , so what happened ?..listen dont beat yourself up over this …it has happened and it cannot be changed , learn from it …you done 56 days , you can claw that back and then double it , relapses happen for so many different reasons ( this illness is so cunning ,and it will get you when you least expect it),its what you learn from that relapse that counts and like you said those 56 days were your happiest in a while, so shake yourself off and start again, this time with knowledge of that relapse under your belt you have made the right move by expressing how you feel on here …keep posting and reading ,we are all here to help have you tried aa atall ?
I’m with Regan Brittney. You have the experience of these 56 sober days. It made you proud and happy. You can build on that. Like you can build on the feeling you had last night when you actually used again and that you never want to feel again. The only control people like us have over our use is to abstain from it. You experienced that last night i think. So big lesson learned I’d say. Resetting your counter is your own decision. I would I think. My numbers keep me accountable.
And welcome here! Doing this together makes it possible to stay sober. Knowing we are not alone. Great supportive group this. You might also want to try other groups in your own area like AA or SMART. Success!
Hey @britshantel - I know the feeling. I did the same thing last week after 42 days sober. I reset the counter and I’m currently on Day 6 again but feeling more determined than ever to never go back to booze. The main things to take away: you’re being honest with yourself, you feel disappointed, which shows how much you care about this situation. Remember this feeling, any time you have another urge. Stay strong
Now is a good time to ask yourself what you refused to do or didn’t think you needed to do to stay clean and sober. And go do that.
Your continuous sobriety has been interrupted. Your cumulative experience with sobriety is growing.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, or feeling like a fake and holding my true thoughts and feelings in check, I go to an AA meeting or an AA member and I’m honest there. And honesty crushes any thoughts I have about taking another drink.
56 days! Great job. Now you have some work to do to enable getting back to 56 and beyond. You need to really understand what caused the relapse.
Why did you relapse? My experience is that a relapse did not start on day 57. I can trace back to tiny steps or thoughts that started me on the path for a relapse. For me, little thoughts lime “look how good I am doing, maybe I do not have a problem” or “look at the days I have been sober, maybe I am re-wire”. Then I start doing the mental experiment… I should see if if I can… Be around alcohol, hanging out with friends who are drinking, etc. Some people can do this some people can not. If this goes well, I start stepping closer to the edge. This works into thoughts that maybe I am “cured” or can move past my addiction.
My recent experience is after many years of sobriety. But last month I had a drink, that lead to many, and eventually was in the exact same place that caused me to accept that I can not drink. All in 5 hours. I woke up feeling guilty and ashamed.
After jumping on here, going to meetings, reading literature, I have accepted it as is a learning experience. I know the relapse started long before I took that first drink. My goal is to be vigilant of that part of me that wants to drink and starts working in the background to get me to drink. For me I am going to track my success of days sober, each morning going to start with deciding, today I am not drinking.
So… Long message, but accept that the lapse happened, learned from it, and feel great joy when your counter gets to day 57 in January.
@Glyko how are you holding up bro?
I am doing really good. My traveling over the last three weeks is finally done and able to be with the family. How are you doing? All is well?
It’s a horrible feeling, isn’t it. Ugh. I am so sorry you picked up again. But your 56 days aren’t lost. You learned from them. You know how good it feels. You know how positive your mind feels. You messed up, we have been there. Don’t let the slip define you. It is not failure unless you give up. You are here and feeling your feelings, even tho they are unpleasant and painful. But you are back to day 1 and back to sobriety and that 100% is what matters. Don’t drink today. Bookmark this topic to read again the next time you find yourself thinking…just one. Read your words again and remind yourself of what you are fighting for…to feel that positive healthy happy proud way each and every day. You can do this!
Don’t forget that part of what you’re feeling right now is likely the result of a hangover/come down. That your body is working its way back to a homeostasis, and until it reaches that point, you are chemically unbalanced inside. It means today is going to be a bit shit for body and mind, but that’s okay. Ride this wave by being good to yourself today. Nurse yourself back to health with the healthy things that make you feel good inside. Maybe a nap? A bath? Some soup? You’re already back on the right path, so rest easy with that knowledge. The worst of it is already behind you.
no but i have a friend i got in touch with today to set me up with a sponsor and start going to some AA. These responses really really help… thank you
thank you… from the bottom of my heart… these responses kept me sober today
thank you so much… it really helped
Sponsor and AA is my plan. thank you
Thank you so so much… all these responses are incredible and have kept me sober today!
I’ve done this twice. Quit twice for 3 months at a time and then drank.
But you did it for 56 days! You did! And now you know how and now you can do it again.
I hope you can find some peace in moving forward with your day 1.