The absolute hardest thing for me to deal with these days is watching addiction destroy lives and knowing there is very little I can do about it. It happens here and it happens in my physical life.
Last night a very dear friend came to visit (he was in my wedding, friends since childhood) and it was sooo good to see him. It’s been probably 10 years since I’ve seen him and like 5 since I’ve had contact with him.
About 5 years ago his girlfriend contacted me on Facebook a few times desperate to save him. He had fallen into meth and wasn’t doing well at all. He had lost his truck and was living on the streets in CO. She claimed he was like 90 pounds and gonna freeze or starve to death. I got a hold of him and he said she was crazy, a bad alcoholic and there was no need to worry, then… crickets.
I just went to AZ and knew he occasionally lived right near where I was going so I figured I’d send another fb message and see if I had any luck (id sent a few over the past 5 years, all read but unanswered). This time he actually responded, turns out he’s been living in my area for a year and a half. He’s had contact with almost nobody in that time, except his brothers.
So last night he came to visit and I told him I’ve been sober for over 4 years. He was never a drinker but loved pot, he said he still smoked but didn’t while he was here. He spoke a little about his time with meth, and it seemed to me that he had some false positive thoughts on the substance. If I was a stranger who saw him randomly I would’ve thought he was a homeless meth addict.
He’s planning on leaving with a 1 way car rental back to CO in 2 weeks. This was hard for me to hear, there was no preaching or anything really I could say that would change anything for the better. I want to keep the lines of communication open in case the day should ever come when maybe, just maybe I can offer him advice he wants to hear. I very much doubt I’ll ever see him again and that’s shitty.
So what can I do with that? I can be grateful that I had 1 more visit with my friend… that’s what I can do. I can keep walking my sober path and hopefully help a handful of people along the way. I can understand how little control I have (over anything other than my sobriety) and accept it.
It’s gonna be extra busy here with new people in the coming weeks… lets do the best we can in supporting them during this window. Maybe something we say will resonate. First thing first though, lets stay sober together for just today.
I absolutely can relate. Sorry to hear you had that experience with your friend. I have had to learn how to keep stronger boundaries around this and being with TS for these years has helped me. I haven’t hardened my heart, per se, but I’ve learned I nothing I do or say can convince someone to change if they aren’t open to it themselves. Of course what we share can offer a potentially new perspective and if people want to hear it, that’s awesome. But that’s not going to change someone’s mind if they’re not in the mindset to change. It’s hard. Hard to witness, especially the self destructive behavior, particularly when we have been there ourselves and it seems so obvious now. I put myself in my husband’s shoes seeing me at my worst and I cringe but then I also feel compassion for others who just aren’t there yet. If we practice kindness, compassion and patience and stay the course, we have done the right thing.
Thank you for sharing today, Dan. Much love to you, friend.
Im on call as said its a busy time for 12 step work ,think after decades id get used to it but i still get upset when its a sober member of the family contacts me for their loved ones . everyone have a good and sober Hogmany
It’s the hardest thing but also the best. To keep walking the Road of Recovery and Discovery, to try and help our fellows and friends. To work on becoming ever better versions of ourselves. To be a f*cking example that it’s possible to beat this shit. We can only lead by example and that’s what we’ll do. One day at a time.
Sorry to hear about your friend. We had a similar experience. The best man in our wedding (husbands best friend from childhood) was an alcoholic. He was a state trooper constantly getting reprimanded by his chief and was moved around the state to shitty areas. Nothing anyone said or did helped. Finally he was forced into early retirement and moved down south. Within 6 months he was found dead due to alcoholism. It’s sad we can’t save the ones we love.
I find it easier on here to possibly help others. We can freely post what has worked for us in hopes it resonates with someone. Unlike real life where our words most likely fall on deaf ears.
I found TS in July and I am so grateful to all of you! I needed support and encouragement from others who knew from their own personal experiences what I was going through, struggling to free myself from my addiction. This I such a wonderful community where I feel I can get help when I need it and give help to others. This journey of self recovery and self discovery never ends, and it is journey we take together . My heartfelt thanks to all!
Hi
I agree that it is hard to watch others suffer in their addictions. I wish there were a magic wand we could wave and people could “get it” and not get in trouble with addiction. It seems our evolutionary process brought humans to this place where we sure can get in trouble.
I appreciate what you said about being grateful that you got to see your friend today. Thank you for sharing your experience. My heart is sad for your friend too.
And yes, as the new year comes, and some people explore sobriety in our community, let’s share the stories of our learning and our growth. Maybe they will help others as we have been helped.
Ughhh that’s an awful situation and I’m glad that you are trying to find a positive spin on a desperately sad time.
I have had the same conversation recently as my brother who attempted to get sober many years before I did and only lasted around six months is now deep back in the isolation and depression.
He has friends that have been in recovery for a long time and knows I also am but it see that he resents me.
I find it way harder know to see how much addiction affects him and how it hurts my mother with it ripple that when I was in it myself as I didn’t care (obviously )
It hurts knowing there’s nothing I can do unless he finally hits a point where he puts his hand out.
I also find it difficult to keep showing him compassion when he’s being such an ass but I try
One day at a time, we just had a 12 day sobriety period and right after an amazing talk with my Daughter about staying clean, I went to a friends house to bring her some birthday gifts and slipped. Its hard.
Im trying so hard, our online course starts in 15 mins
Im so grateful for the support that we have from our loved ones and those who are still trying to see past the behavior that addiction can cause, we love our family and our Children, and we always want them to know that we never choose drugs over them, we love you all, and please forgive us, one day at a time seems an eternity away from you, we love you
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