True, im greatful to be alive. I have kids so I really need to lock in and stop being insane. I think the hardest part for me is I love going out to eat and having a drink. This is what sets me back every time. I dont go out to the store to buy booze but if I go out , even if im starving I would rather drink first and i end up not eating my food. Ill take it to go almost everytime. I cant stand my brain. I feel crazy, i know what im doing is hurting me but I still do it.
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Day 5 
EDIT: Day 6! Isn’t it weird what happens to time in your head; thank god I’m not repeating the day 
I restarted my clock because I realised that I can’t continue thinking I can moderate when every time I go 1000 mph and end up waking up with blackout, guilt, shame and apologies.
Someone actually called me ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ last week. Part of that is bipolar, but a big chunk of it emerges when I add alcohol. I don’t feel awesome and normal when I’m not drinking and my stupid brain seems to think drinking actually makes me fun to be around. Maybe drinks 1-3, but good luck to you after that.
I shouldn’t be mixing all my meds with it either. So it reached a crunch point and I decided to restart this time with an eye to forever, but not quite looking that full in the face yet 
I have also reflected on my username on here. It really shows how the lifestyle is/was (?) my personality. It’s perhaps triggering for some people but it reminds me of that problem.
Today will be a good day 
x
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Day 7 and I feel like a plateau may be on the horizon (I’m going to run with the mountain metaphor for as long as I can).
I can feel boredom creeping in and that sense of routine and calmness which for some might be welcome but for me seems dull and monotonous. I know that this is what will help me but I resist it. I’m denying myself care because I feel I don’t deserve it.
Alcohol, self harm, binge eating, starving, neglecting self care - such as not working out - they are all grouped together as I try to self destruct and self sabotage once again. I think I know why I do it but still haven’t got to turning it off.
Today I won’t do any of these things.
Here’s to the next 24 
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Day 8 and I have definitely reached the first plateau. I’m feeling like I want to stop the hard work.
I didn’t sleep last night and I know that’s the start of a slippery slope. Sleep is so important to my state of mind and mental stability. I will take a prescribed sleeping med tonight to make sure I catch up.
I don’t want to exercise, I don’t want to work the Step, and I generally feel like turning backwards. This is a hard climb. 
and it’s boring.
I’m not going to give up yet. I can try and fill the next hour with something positive, even if it’s just cleaning the kitchen.
Here’s to the next hour, morning, afternoon, evening, and 24hrs 
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The end of Day 9
I felt a little detached from the planned 
route today. Not wanting to pick up, but not wanting to do any of the work either. So I’ve just sort of tread water today. I did have a hair cut though. First in 6 months so that’s quite something. I wanted to look after myself and i think that counts.
Tomorrow, I would like to be more active. That’s it. That’s my goal. Instead of sitting around looking at the view I’ll take some steps.
I also had a mindset wobble today when… (TW discussion of alcohol and amounts, where and when people drink)
Someone I know told me (when I was discussing my sobriety) that someone she knows carries two Stanley cups everyday - she has one filled with sparkling water and the other with Aperol. She also knows someone who does the school run with a sippy cup of wine. It made me think “oh I’m not like that, maybe i don’t have a problem” - THIS is the danger moment. This is the moment you can slip backwards. Do not let that voice convince you. You were right the first time. Her telling me was to show me that it’s more common that I think it is and to wish me luck, but it nearly moved me into complacency and thoughts of ‘moderating’ instead of stopping.
I’m grateful for my friends today, for one reason and another. Here’s a poem I love and best wishes to everyone for tomorrow
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I appreciate your honesty in this thread. I too have recently started over after years of binge drinking to blackout. A lot of what you posted resonates with me. Forever is a long time. So long I don’t like to think about it. But I was also given an ultimatum to stop or I would lose my husband and children. So while I don’t constantly think of never drinking again, I do keep it in the back of my mind because my family deserves to stay in tact with a healthy, happy, sober mom. That being said, small manageable tasks/goals daily has really helped keep my mind off of wanting the booze. And when the early evening hits and I want that happy hour drink, I revisit this app, the daily affirmation, the community posts to help me with my final push. Best of luck and I look forward to more progress updates! You got this! We’ve got this!
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Thank you @Hopeful3 I agree with you. Coming here at the start/end of each day is helping. Although I’m feeling the novelty wear off a little and I need to get back into the work.
Today I had so many chores to do and lots of home maintenance tasks to deal with so that kept me busy. A good day actually 
I’m feeling ‘stable’ and although that comes with boredom I know it is preferable to chaos. I need to keep repeating this to myself! I’m doing that ‘forgetting’ thing. Where your brain just erases the bad stuff and only reminds you of how good it feels. Dangerous times…I’m going to read this:
https://www.aahappyhour.com/remembering-your-last-drunk/
Best wishes for your next 24, let’s all keep checking in to keep us on track and accountable.
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I’ve reached camp 
on the evening of Day 11 (still grafting that metaphor out) 
Today’s been positive 
Everything felt calm and I felt grateful for achieving what I could; I was in a rhythm and I felt in control. I walked in the morning and then worked on Step 4: Resentments and Fear. I think this had a massive positive impact on my day and I must remember to keep up this routine. I had a lot of admin and chores to do today so it went quickly.
I was really struggling with Step 4 for a while. Especially this:
“ Where was my responsibility in this relationship? What might I have done instead? Where was I at fault? Was I dishonest, selfish, self-seeking, frightened, inconsiderate, etc…)?”
I have spent a LOT of time in therapy trying to forgive myself for things that were absolutely not my fault and I found this element very triggering. I do not want to answer those questions. I was not at fault.
However, doing some further reading helped. Experienced sponsors suggest that, in particular trauma focused reflection, Step 4 can be reframed to examine how the adult you currently are ‘copes’, holds onto the trauma, or how it affects your current emotional responses, reactions, and relationships. This works better than reflecting on my “faults” when I am definitely not to blame.
Here’s to Day 12, and to your next 24h 
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@Techno_Tequila hooray for another day present and alive! Admin and chores definitely help keep me busy and preoccupied in the best way. For me, idle hands reach for the devils juice and then the vicious cycle continues.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. My 9th grade son did not do well on a final exam, which caused a big argument between him, my husband and me. A lot of anguish and mean words were exchanged. My son felt like a failure and didn’t want to go on. (We have been through this cycle his entire schooling life.) And in the midst of it I admitted to my son that in the past I would have reached for the bottle. Instead, I explained to him that I was 8 days sober and despite the incredible urge to drink, I was actively choosing then and there not to. I was choosing to feel the hard feelings and sit with them. I admitted that I had not been sober that many days in a row in too many years for me to actually count. I told him that although I felt like a failure, failure only Comes when one stops trying. And I wasn’t done trying. I wasn’t done because of him. Because of my daughter. And because of my husband. That although 8 days sounded so small, that those 8 days would turn into 10. And then 20 and then 2 years. And that while he was feeling like a failure right then, that he wasn’t because he hadn’t given up.
All this to simply say, if I had given in and had that drink - which we know would turn into multiple bottles of wine and a blacked out mom - I wouldn’t have been able to be there for my son when he needed me. I am not thankful for the fight, but I’m thankful the opportunity to be there for my son when he needed me.
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Thank you, yes keeping positively occupied is one of the main things that helps. At times I have thought that I haven’t deserved this - to the point where I didn’t deserve to leave the house - so I am grateful to not be stuck in that loop anymore.
Your son can definitely learn resilience from you. One exam/slip up isn’t the end of the world. Just get up, dust yourself down, and move on 
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Ending another positive day 
where I have resisted all the small gravity pulls towards ‘just the one’. I replaced all my using rituals and am proud to go to bed with a clear head.
Best wishes to everyone as we head into the weekend.
X
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Another positive day and going to sleep sober again. I’ve nearly made it through my second weekend. I feel calm, in a routine, and in control. This is likely (hopefully) all my meds and mindset working together to keep me on track. Instead of expecting this to explode (as it ‘usually’ does) I’m going to train my mind to jump to the best possible conclusion instead of the worst.
Here’s to my two week anniversary tomorrow 
and to the next two weeks
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So happy for your 2 weeks! I just hit 2 weeks yesterday and I feel the same calm and positivity going into week 3. I don’t expect it all to be amazing but today is an amazing day and I am excited to have made it this far. The longest alcohol free streak for me was 2 weeks so I’m already doing better than my previous best. I’m going to let that high rise for as long as possible. Suddenly my mountain doesn’t feel so steep. Let’s make it another great one!
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well done on your two weeks! I’ve had some
ups and downs this past week. Just keep my head down and keep going.
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I’ve been AWOL for a few weeks.
So, I made it to Day 28 and then made a decision to drink whilst on vacation. Long story, but I just wasn’t secure enough in my sobriety to withstand going sober on a long, party day and night, holiday with a big group of friends. Events could sometimes be 12 hours and some like festivals or clubs.
I obviously knew this event was coming up when I decided to start the 28 days. I could have just said - no I will wait and start after the trip. But I didn’t. So I’m proud of that.
I made a plan for the trip.
Everyone on the group knew what my issue was.
I submitted all control over ordering/buying drinks to someone else.
I aimed for 4 drinks across a day (that famous ‘moderation’ concept - more on that later lol).
I didn’t drink during the day - before going out/with lunch etc.
Removing myself from situations whenever necessary.
When I stuck to this plan everything went fine. However I did realise very clearly that the intention was to change my state of mind, so I need to work on that a lot more. Anxiety is a huge contributor to this.
There were two instances where I purposely manipulated the situation so that I could go beyond the 4 drinks. Keeping cash aside, Apple Pay, going on a side mission so people wouldn’t know I’d had the extra drink. What on earth is that about. I didn’t need it. I didn’t want it because it took me too far and made me lose memories. It’s a compulsion. Just like self harming, or comfort eating.
I did not enjoy those nights as much as the ones where I was present. This is a big learning moment for me.
I had the strength to remove myself from a few situations - mainly all day drinking events. I enjoyed my time alone and made sure I caught up on sleep. I’m proud of this.
I’m back in reality now and I’m going to start again from where I left. Get stable timings to eating, sleeping, medication, eating and hydrating.
Thanks for reading. It really helps writing it all down 
Day 3 
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Welcome back. I’m wondering: what’s your goal? From your first post in this thread:
To me, by what you share in this post, I don’t think you’re heading in that direction. Abstinence and sobriety is learned through being abstinent and sober. End of. My opinion.
This mountain is totally possible to climb. It’s done one day of sobriety at a time. Not through experimenting with drinking. That’s a contradictio in terminis.
Anxiety is made worse by drinking (and smoking). And the more I drank, the more anxious I got and the harder it became to get rid of the anxiety. In fact part of it is still with me, after 6 years of dedicated sober therapy. A lot less though.
Anyway, I really hope and wish the best for you. It’s good you are here and I hope you find your way to lasting sobriety.
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Thanks for pulling me up on that, sincerely, I have also thought about what the goal is. Ideally complete abstinence. But that means giving up events such as that vacation that I wasn’t willing to do. I would love to have a few glasses and stop. But I can’t do that without someone babysitting me. Which as a grown adult is ridiculous.
For now, I’ll say today. Then one day at a time after that. I don’t have any events in the planned future. So I will be aiming for as long as I can.
Sounds to me like this was a relapse, plain and simple. Falling back into old habits, hiding drinks, and knowing you don’t need it yet doing it anyway. Saying it wasn’t a relapse yet still resetting your counters seems a bit counterproductive and avoidant of facts.
You did have someone babysitting how many drinks you were allowed but you still managed to get past that self imposed barrier so maybe this isn’t true? Accepting that we can’t have any alcohol is a big part of long term sobriety.
I think a part of the issue was your “plan”. You say your group knows about your issue, but if they really knew how severe your alcoholism is would they have bought you any at all? Planning on drinking, despite how few or who is in “control” of your money, is and always will be a bad idea. Did the plan you made work?
I’d hate for you to miss an opportunity to learn from your mistakes, so maybe spend some time thinking about why you wanted to alter your state of mind, and deeper than just “it’s anxiety”. Anxiety has a root, finding that and properly addressing it will be a serious step forward.
I’m glad you’re here and recommitting to sobriety, I just hope it’s the last time it’s necessary. Your next relapse could be your last.
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Two answers to that. First answer: Not true. After I quit I did a number of (music) festivals with my old drinking friends, sober. All great experiences. Can explain at length why, but for now you have to take my word for it.
Second answer: maybe in the longer run it might be right. Is it age? Is it sobriety? My interests are changing, so I don’t have many festivals left after 7 years of sobriety. Can’t say I miss 'm much. Things change.
Again, reading you first post, I see someone who needs to be sober because alcohol is making it impossible to live (a fulfilling life). I think you’re fooling yourself, I think that addiction is grabbing you again. Like you say there, you need commitment. When you are not committed this is a road to nowhere. And I don’t see commitment in your last post. Take care friend.
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I think you are absolutely right.
I need to reflect on this.
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