I want to write this down as I have no one to tell.
Today is day 3 I’ve been here before and last time managed 8 months clean. But as many of us do, I thought I was in control and could ‘moderate’ and ‘control’ and as many of us find out: that’s not possible!
A quick overview of my history: complex trauma, severe anxiety, depression, Bipolar 2, alcohol, substance use, amongst other things.
So, as my life started to, once again, become increasingly unmanageable and my relationships and friendships started to disintegrate I’ve committed, once again, to this journey. This time I am fully aware of the mountain I need to climb. It feels overwhelming and impossible.
I’m working through the 12 steps through an online programme. Currently revisiting 1 thru 3 but I think I do feel that this is the end of the line for me. I have to commit completely to sobriety and abstinence.
I have a lot of support from my psychiatrist and medication. I know I am privileged to have this. But I don’t have a support network of a wide family and friendship group. I also know that all the help in the world will not be enough if I don’t have the commitment to follow the steps.
Thank you for reading and best wishes for you on your own journey
Welcome and congratulations on the start of your journey. I have a lot of mental health issues as well. Started going to an IOP when I was like 9 months sober for more special help on the mental side and it has been great. Been there 9 or 10 months which is longer than I expected, but I realized I had a lot more to deal with than I thought and been working through it while still growing in my sobriety program which is AA. I’ll say the steps were critical for me personally so I definitely encourage it a lot and I’m happy to see you want to commit to them. I would suggest going through them with an in person sponsor personally, but whatever you think would work best for you. It’s really just all about commitment. You really gotta buy into that first step 100% though. I thought at one time I could moderate after some sober time too and found the same result that I couldn’t. A true alcoholic/addict just can’t. Sounds like you have some great support and solid plan and determination. Wishing you the best and you always have more support on here too
Sometimes it takes a few tries for the mindset to really click and realise that moderation isn’t really an option - I remember having my epiphany when I said to a friend ‘If I could only moderate my drinking I’d drink all the time’ The irony made us both laugh
A big piece of advice that really helped me was not to concern myself with the ‘forever’ part of being sober. Forever is way too big to handle, so you just break it down into as small parts as you can manage comfortably - some days it can be hours/minutes etc.
Maybe this can help you reframe your view of the mountain to climb as more of a path to walk, one step at a time and at your own pace you’re on the path already
I also found this podcast which seems to be really helpful in revisiting those steps. I’m not going to rush thru them. And I’m going to keep revisiting steps until I feel they’re secure.
I am definitely in the sunrise moments of my mountain journey. It almost feels like a rush. I know I have the hardest climbs to come.
What is helping? Medication, eating well, hydration, 12 Step podcast, speaking to friends I’ve confided in, posting on here, sleep, and the terrible shadow of our friendship group’s annual “party holiday” in a few weeks time. This target feels too big at the moment.
I’ll be the first to say it but you will probably get some echoes from others. If you aren’t feeling strong enough in your sobriety to attend that party you don’t have to go. Make an excuse, pretend you are sick, but don’t jeopardize your early progress with a test you don’t feel up to facing. I skipped quite a few things in my early days of sobriety and I’m stronger for it and my friends still love me just as much.
Welcome!!
Thank you - yes I get this totally. Unfortunately it’s for a few weeks and I’ve already sunk a significant cost into it. So I’m going. That’s why I’m going over and over Step 1-3. I have to be committed before I go.
I am feeling positive and do NOT want to restart that clock again.
To be honest: What is more to loose? Some bucks or your sobriety? You can ditch the money, no harm done as it was already spent. You can set yourself back on the addiction path and ditch money there in abundance if you attend and relapse. Just something to think about …
Your post reminded me of the poem “I Choose the Mountain” by Howard Simon. It’s a short, punchy poem, and the last stanza is this:
I choose the mountain
And I will never stop climbing
I choose the mountain
And I shall forever be ascending
I choose the mountain
Many people focus on the imagery of the mountain, but what really resonates with me is “I choose”. You choose the mountain by putting one foot in front of the other. Thus the impossible becomes possible, because if you are already climbing, it’s no longer an impossible mountain. Wherever you find yourself today or in the coming weeks, keep choosing the mountain, keep ascending.
And if you need support, we are here on the mountain too; lean on us.
Does anyone else feel manic in the first days weeks of sobriety? I feel like I want to chat incessantly (such as my posts on here) and message a hundred people and send a thousand memes.
Is this my bipolar or is it my desire for connection in the first stages of sobriety?
It’s really helping to write things down on here. Even if no one reads
EDIT: Oh, apparently it does! This is definitely true of me
Alcohol masks the mental ilness. Kinda like a medicine helps a cold
Once i took away alcohol, i for sure needed med adjustments fot my mental health.
To get the persise adjustments you need to get and stay sober or welcome ups and downs of meds and substances messing eachother up.
If i take my haldol with 6beers im blacked out and super sick, then i experience more terrible side effects the more says done doing that, including a opposite effect of what i take the med for
Thank you for writing “forever is too big to handle.” Im currently struggling with my sobriety to the point im actually a bit worried about my health. I reset my clock today. I think, for me, the idea of being sober the rest of my life is terrifying.
Can i ask
why did you decide to start you clock over?
I think the answer can show you some important things about you and alcohol
If you post here then it could help someone else also. You dont need to but it may help you also
Im an alcoholic and i reset my clock constantly. Sometimes every other day, sometimes just a couple times a week. Ive been trying to quit for a long time. My longest stretch was 1 year. I have gotten better, as i cut out liquor, but Im still struggling with the mind set of “ i can just have 1 or 2 beers and moderate” I have what I call “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Syndrome.” Totally normal and awesome when i don’t drink, and when i do drink (which is often) I turn into Mr. Hyde. It does nothing positivefor me… And now im concerned about my health as im approaching 40 in a couple years.
Edit : my longest stretch was 558 days, it was so long ago I forgot. I want to get that number back.
I’ve been here before and last time managed 8 months clean. But as many of us do, I thought I was in control and could ‘moderate’ and ‘control’ and as many of us find out: that’s not possible!
The irony made us both laugh
you’re on the path already 
Day 3 
