Thanks for sharing. This really resonated with me. A lot of similarities for sure. Let’s change that together 
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Same. I believe in the beauty of grey, but I cant do it with substances
As far as high functioning I worked in a govt job making decent money, not a bad gig with good benes and job security, if I wasn’t lit up from the booze, couldn’t go to work stinking like it but I had a few times, I was abusing my prescriptions
Never missed a day of work, and did plenty overtime.
Then my substance abuse just took over, I got deeper into the abuse and it destroyed my family my answer hole up in an expensive hotel for a month to get wasted and die in a lifestyle of thr rich and famous gig, still went to work still did what I had to do, but was an empty version of myself, needless to say when dying by my own hands didn’t work. I realized I really wasn’t functioning at all,
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Thank you for sharing this. It’s really helpful to hear different people’s experiences. I’m sorry that you went through all of that but I’m really glad to hear you’re sober now. Also I just wrote a post called a battle against gravity that I think you might be able to relate to.
Keep of the good work…its the improvements not setbacks that build strength
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When I was last drinking I thought I was a genius because I figured out that I could freeze wine in single portions and thought that that would stop me from over-drinking. Spoiler alert - it didn’t.
WOW that IS the kind of genius I was trying to be in the first wave of pandemic lockdown alone in my appartement 
wow that was a great laugh thank you!
I could have organized a military with the amount of time and effort I spent divising and reevaluating moderation plans. The obsessive energy it takes to figure out what exactly I’m going to drink and when exactly I’m going to drink it, and then debating myself to justify being able to start drinking at an earlier time of day, or to justify having more than I intended.
I had those moments and reflections too. I thought I was genius to drink straight vodka because it didn’t smell like beer. I try to ask myself now: with what do I want to keep my head thinking ? What project do I want to invest ?
I’ll return those questions to you. What are your dreams? Projects? Things you want to do or become?
Sobriety is a superpower.
Wish you well,
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