Hi Everyone! My name is Kay and I’ve been alcohol-free since Christmas Eve. I was sober for about 1.5 years until I relapsed shortly after the pandemic started. Then I was sober again for several months, and then relapsed again in Nov-Dec until I quit. I NEVER thought I would relapse after quitting in 2018, but this pandemic/lockdown situation has taken a heck of a toll on me (and everyone!). My recent bouts of drinking weren’t as bad as some of my previous, but it certainly lowered my quality of life and put me back on a mental health roller-coaster.
I want to stay sober for the rest of my life. I love being sober, but sometimes, when I’m feeling overwhelmed with anxiety or depression, my inner enabler tells me that I’m not a real alcoholic, and that I’m being “too restrictive” by not drinking. If you’ve ever seen Jolene Park’s ted talk, that’s me in a nutshell - high functioning - no grand rock-bottom moment. My inner enabler has even accused me of “appropriating” the term “alcoholic.” But the reality is that alcohol consumes my brain and therefore my life. Sobriety is freedom to me. I’m lucky to be able to say this, but quitting always feels great! Its staying quit that seems to be tough. After a few months of abstinence I start negotiating and questioning myself. I convince myself that I have control.
Anyway, I’m looking for a community of others who are committed to sobriety - who thrive most when alcohol is out of the picture.
Thanks for reading 
It starts with acceptance. This is something I struggled with.
I said I dont have to abstain I just need to moderate my alcohol use, and I would for a period but I always reverted back to drinking to complete blackouts, and keep drinking until I passed out or ran out. Hey that’s what we are supposed to do right?
I went to rehab with that mentality. I refuses to accept the term alcoholic, I just said it because they wanted me to say that. But during my treatment I realized guess what I dont have a choice I am an on off switch no grey area. The grey always leads to black.
Definitely thriving sober, and I was definitely a dive before. Welcome, @MizKay.
I always loved the phrase “functional alcoholic.” Like “functional” is such a high bar. 
I can relate to all of this. Thanks for sharing.
Omg that’s so true!!! Lol. Thanks for your comment.
Welcome Kay! This forum has helped me tremendously and I’m sure you’ll have the same experience. Keep reading and interacting.
Yes @Eke dont you know you have to meet strict standards to be a “functional alcoholic”
I believed I was one I was functional until I wasn’t
Welcome Kay.
I was a “functional drinker” for 45 years. I got one year sobriety yesterday. And I owe it all to the support I get here at TS, 2 kids that are recovering addicts and God. Oh and Alanon.
I turned 60 last January and I just got tired of living my life around My Booze. This community is very welcoming and supportive and helpful.
I posted this today on the
It’s from my smart ten year recovering daughter after I told her of my one year story.
“Dad, whether or not you had a problem with alcohol isn’t as important as how you feel today on this journey!”
And I feel amazing!!!
Yet. Anything you haven’t done is a not yet. Sounds like you have a lot to lose if you keep drinking.
It sounds like your intelligence works against you, in some ways. And you ARE intelligent. Unfortunately, you can be a high-functioning alcoholic and also be very bright. Maybe even often be very bright, as I have seen that many intelligent people seem to have issues that lead to substance abuse.
You found a good, supportive sober community here. Welcome 
Welcome Kay! I found trying to moderate all consuming. Once I said enough is enough, everything got quieter and the weight began lifting. I do not regret for one second becoming a non drinker. Sure at times of high stress, my brain says… wine would make all this easier but it wouldn’t! I’ve learnt tools to deal with the triggers and this place is my number one tool. I come here everyday, first thing in the morning and last thing at night. It works! Some many lovely people and some cracking wisdom. I wish you well on your journey, welcome to the family 
This is amazing. Congratulations and thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your kind words I think part of it too is that I micromanage myself which both drives me to drink and yet makes me put rules and barriers in place which stop it from getting as bad as it could. But regardless, I always lose control at some point.
100% - you’ve got that right! And I’ve had some pretty dark moments which I’m discounting for some reason.
“All consuming”
Oh my gosh you hit that nail on the head. I could have organized a military with the amount of time and effort I spent divising and reevaluating moderation plans. The obsessive energy it takes to figure out what exactly I’m going to drink and when exactly I’m going to drink it, and then debating myself to justify being able to start drinking at an earlier time of day, or to justify having more than I intended. Every minute I wasn’t drinking was spent in anticipation of when I would have that next drink. Somehow two drinks in a day - which I would consume in less than an hour - took over my mind for the whole day or week. When I was last drinking I thought I was a genius because I figured out that I could freeze wine in single portions and thought that that would stop me from over-drinking. Spoiler alert - it didn’t. I mean, just creating that kind of a strategy is a pretty clear indicator that there’s a problem. Even at the time I could see that but I thought I could make it work. Or maybe I just wanted to make it work as long as I could.
But nothing feels as good as being sober for me, honestly. I pray that in the future I don’t get seduced by the lie that alcohol is relaxing or the lie that I have control.
Thanks for commenting.
Wow, it sure does. I usually tend to think of myself as a “gray area” kind of person in general as I hate being boxed in with labels and such… but this does NOT work with drinking. I would have considered myself a high functioning alcoholic, but damn, it is NOT the kind of achievement I’m looking for anymore. Knowledge is power! It’s an uncomfortable mirror to look into.
Id est quia (it is, because it is). This is a Latin logic statement, the ultimate proof, the debate-ender be it and internal or external debate. Doesn’t matter if someone else views it differently. This is true for you.
I’ve used this statement as a way to focus my determination. A lighthouse shining in the fog and darkness to guide me around rocks and shoals of destructive thinking. I hope this small simple phrase helps you.
Thanka Stevie. This really resonates. I’m going to write that our and pin it up on my wall.