Has anyone ever looked back at their using/drinking days and thought, “Wow… how insane was that behavior?” Or thought, “Yup, that’s insanity at its finest!”?
Besides the insanity of doing the same thing over n over and expecting a different result (which is what the definition of insanity is), I’m sure we all have had these moments of insanity with drugs n alcohol where after the fact we were like, “What is going on here?! I would’ve never done the things I did while high/drunk if I were sober”.
Sooo… I was heading home from work and walked by an atm that I used to pull $$ out of. I remember feeling that “excitement” about being able to use once I got home (whether it was for relief or to celebrate or just bcuz the sun was out… I mean realistically everything in my life seemed like a reason to use lol).
So… those old moments sort of flashed into my mind when I saw the atm. And I remembered looking forward to using back then… and then just now my mind was like, “looking forward to what?!”. Seriously tho! Looking forward to being broke? To not sleeping or eating? To arguing? To desperately trying to get more? To the risk of killing myself or going to jail? The list goes on n on… That complete insanity of not seeing the reality of my situation. It just hit me like a ton of bricks just now lmao I couldn’t believe that I used to think like that!
Anyway, was wondering if anyone else had a story to tell of when they realized their thinking/behaving was pure insanity?
20 Likes
Way to go! Ya I can definitly see the insanity in that for sure! I generally had good intentions to not use but my mind would tell me otherwise lol proud of u for sticking to ur recovery and staying out of jail! Ur definitely a success story 
1 Like
Like being part of a circus, all different kind of sideshows, i enjoy now not being part of it or one of the acts, walking the tight rope, one slip and you fall
3 Likes
Haha I love this!! Sooo true 
1 Like
I’ve done a lot of insane things while using…
-
Picking up street walkers risking STDs and getting mugged. Got arrested for soliciting an undercover cop during a sting operation in 2004.
-
Viewing porn and lying to my wife about it risking my marriage and family. My first marriage ended because of my porn use.
-
Just last October, I got into 2 car accidents in the same week due to my watching porn while driving.
3 Likes
Thank u for sharing Kevin! wow… It’s crazy to see what we continually do even tho it risks our lives and everything in it. Very grateful ur okay and didn’t get hurt in those crashes. And even more grateful that you’re doing so well in recovery!
3 Likes
I didn’t wake up to what I was doing with hard drugs, until I was plunging a needle into my main vein in the arm
Basically nodded out for hours. Couldn’t move…so nauseous because “friend at time/dealer” loaded syringe up with basically half an 80mg pill of oxy… I didn’t wanna look like a sissy, plus I didn’t want to randomly carry a syringe around, so I took the entire thing. So…very nauseous, but also so numb I felt like I was an inanimate object
But then years later I would make the same mistake with alcohol. If I saw my former self doing anything stupid like I did, I would tell them to stop.
5 Likes
And just recalled another one. At a hotel, I let a streetwalker, that I just met, talk me into lending her my car so that she could go get more crack while I slept. I didn’t sleep that much for I worried the whole night about my car. How stupid I was? She actually came back in the morning with my car intact. I was lucky.
4 Likes
Completely relate to this and this is where I am right now tbh. So many stupid, wreckless, things I’ve done whilst drinking that I would never do sober. And agree with you about the excitement, id get excited about having a drink, why, it never ends well. Literally does not make sense. For me the worst thing is the relationships I’ve ruined because of things I’ve done and said while drunk which gives people who don’t know me well the wrong idea about who I actually am as a person. I don’t want to do it any more, I really don’t. I think I realised how insane things were many years ago, but until recently I held on to the belief that if I really tried i could change things. But I can’t. So I’m committed this time and I do really hope I can stick to it, and look forward to the days when all this insanity is a thing of the past!
7 Likes
Insanity of putting your hand in the fire and doing it again and again expecting a different result
5 Likes
My bank pays 9pm the day before it suppose to go in and when I first began sobriety whenever my money hit my account I felt I was missing out.
But every now and then I get that feeling of dread come over me when I think back to walking down to the atm at 9:05pm to as you said be broke and miserable.
It’s scary to think back to how I was living and fooling myself too.
It felt so normal then it felt normal to drown every emotion and pretend everything was ok for that short amount of time but now I see so clearly the viscous circle I was in and how terrible I was using my life.
Through depression and bad anxiety i drank at home in bed i didnt go anywhere i couldn’t feel or it felt the world would end. I drank alone fooling myself.
I can definitely relate to your post.
3 Likes
.
.
.
