Feel like drinking for me always starts nice then something in my brain just snaps. Then what was first fun is now a mess and I’m at the center of the chaos. Today I woke up embarrassed and upset with myself for acting like a compete fool and not remembering any of it. My boyfriends friend recorded me and the person I saw on the video I didn’t recognize. I’m ashamed of myself and for letting myself get to that point where I have no idea what’s going on around me. And this isn’t a one time things. This is almost every time. All the problems I’ve had in my life have a common denominator. Alcohol. I know if I continue on this path I’m gonna lose the love of my life. I’ve come close to losing my job. And I’ve gotten into an accident that I luckily walked away from without hurting anyone else. I know I need change and I can’t keep on this path. So this is my first step.
Thankyou for the post. Keep checking in daily and make yourself accountable and write on this post every day? Good luck and well done on day 1 
Wow, that’s so similar to how I felt, the brain snap is like a switch is just flicked isn’t it? It’s a real malady. Giving you a big hug, you’re not alone many of us have been there. Firstly I will tell you, this is not the real you, it’s the current version of you and you can change if you want it bad enough. You’re still accountable for your actions though so get some rest, avoid alcohol and then get to work at changing and getting better.
I woke up from an 8 hour black out, having left my bf, went walk about in a blackout, got up to God knows what silly behaviour, I have some cringing backflashes and really don’t want to know the rest, arrived back to the hotel room at about 5am and decided to piss all over the bedroom, passed out and woke up covered in bruises with the most disappointed partner in the world looking at me, the shame was all consuming.
You are not alone, you can change for the better. Many of us have. Take care of yourself, make the commitment to yourself this time rather than others, start thinking about the positive changes you need to make and start making them now and your life will transform.
As others told me, it’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it and they were so right.
I am no longer that person, you no longer have to be that person, you can find the new improved version of you.
As @DarrenUK says, keep checking in daily and read and post as often as you feel the need to and we will help you.
One of the best pieces of information you will learn on this journey is that if you don’t have the first drink you can’t get drunk, my positive language spin on that is, if you avoid the first drink, you will stay sober and the switch never gets touched.
Stay strong and stay sober and good luck 
Welcome! You never have to feel that way again. This place has a lot of great information with some pretty amazing people to help you along this journey. Join on is the daily check in, it’s a great form of accountability. Here’s the link:
Checking in daily to maintain focus #9
Thank you for sharing your story. I know it’s not gonna be easy and appreciate the support. Xo
Maybe you should read the AA Big Book. It is changing my life.
So similar to my story. Blackouts are scary. Thats the reason I’ve decided to quit drinking. First drinks are always fun but then, when we loose control and memory looks like we enter on a alternative blury dimension. So, in trying to skip the first drink. Not an easy thing, specially at socializing, but I believe it will change my life for better. Day 9 here. Be strong and be safe, we’re all in this together 
So relatable to my story. I started blacking out at 16. From 21 to 25 it was almost daily. I cannot even imagine the fool I looked like back then. Then I got healthy and had a kid but quickly picked backed after leaving her father a couple years later. My current bf has only known me as a drunk and I told him, towards the end when I desperately wanted to be able to quit, to record me so I could see the monster in person. He never did but after causing him 3 years of grief, and raising a 5yo this way, enough was enough. It can be done. It takes work but you must want it for yourself. I never want to let that monster out again and I know, after years of experimenting with trying to ‘control’ myself, even 1 sip will do so. I just passed 4 months with the support of this app and AA. A little upset that my whole city is shutting down right now but I’ve learned enough that the thought of drinking during this crazy time doesn’t even cross my mind. As soon as the thought pops up I just think of the horrible things I’ve done and it quickly vanishes. If I were you I’d save that video, as hard as it is to watch, so you’ll never forget. Welcome and all the best beginning this new journey 
I couldn’t even watch the whole video. I was so ashamed and can tell he was absolutely horrified and embarrassed. Yesterday (the day after event) my town shut down all bars and banned sell of any and all alcohol. Part of me wishes this would of happened one day before to save me from the embarrassment of my drunken foolery but then idk what it would of taken for me to realize I don’t want to live like this anymore and realize I need to just stop completely. I’ve also tried to “moderation” rule but that is only so short lived. I appreciate all the support I’ve gotten on here and know I can over come this.
I think if anyone saw a video of a drunken night it would be horrifying. That will probably keep you on the sober path more than anything.
I’m grateful there weren’t smart phones back in my heyday!