Dear Jen I had to smirk a little about your husband’s one day excruciating hip pain! It’s like he’s in high school, right? Jeez!
I can feel you 200% on the control. And on the helplessness. That was me. I was the one buying clothes for my partner, urging him to eat well, change jobs, get to bed earlier, everything. With every fight and arguement, it was always me who went after him, urgently wanting to resolve, connect, feel each others positions. He would shut down every single time. this dynamic never changed. And the tighter we screwed this screw - you guessed it: the more I drank. And the more I felt I was going crazy. So this:
Is real.
What I learned is: if we are the controlling ones, the other partner has to be the passive/unsuccessfully controlled one. Even though it feels like they would never do anything anyway, it is at the same time true that we rob them of the possibility to change into responsible people. It is true. They will never change as long as we don’t relinquish our grip. And turn our attention to ourselves.
Which is the second thing I have learned: by investing all my energy into trying to manage and control my relationship and my partner, I enabled myself to completely overlook and deny and repress my own needs, wants, feelings. I became absolutely complicite in his behaviour through that, by attempting to be the opposite. It’s paradoxical. I erased myself. And allowed him to stay erased as a moral, responsible person.
The third thing I learned is that I could not stop doing that, the controling, while continuing to live together. I needed to break all our routines, all our everything that we had built in many years of living together. It helped me to think that even the wonderful things that I miss in our daily life were steeped in this controlling/helpless/stuck dynamic. So I don’t grieve our old life more than would be expected.
I wish you continued strength and insight in your struggles Jen, i think you’re doing very awesomely. If you ever need to reach out pm me anytime, friend.
Thank you for writing all of that. I can see and identify so many things in your story that are in mine. It makes me sad and hurts my heart. He isn’t even the same person I remember from 10 years ago when we started dating and maybe part of its on me. Maybe we are better apart. I just don’t feel that way at all. The thought of it makes me start to panic and cry. The thought of not having my partner and it just being me. I think I’m going to the hotel treadmill. I really just don’t want to think about it. But again thank you so much for sharing with me. @Alisa thank you for the hugs
Maybe the other part of @Faugxh’s excellent insight is that when we give up control of the outcomes, then we are able to be surprised and delighted at the result.
My experience with this is with my 20 something kids. When they were little, it was my job to protect and direct and nurture. Today it’s all about nurturing from father away, and advising them based on my experience. And their interests and motivations are unknown to me much of the time, and that’s okay. I’m proud of the decisions they make and I let them deal with the sometimes negative consequences of those. But they also get to enjoy and own the positive results, too.
I went through a time with both of them when I had to be conscious, mindful, that these kids have their own higher power. That job had transitioned from me and their mother to the Divine and to their circle of support. It was and is very hard for me to give up that control but it’s best for them and for me.
Early check in tonight because I’m tired as all get out! Got up at 4 like my norm but with the time change I’ve had a hard time falling asleep and have only been getting about 5-6 hours of sleep. I run best on 8-9 lol I got a 2 mile run and again no knee pain. Really cements that I want a treadmill of my own so I plan to start saving for that. One of my new trainees started today and picked up so quick and was fast. I can tell he has been in pharmacy before. It’s harder to train 2 people at once as you can imagine so I just sat in between and tried to watch them both and help out. 1 of the other girls has started to ask questions but 1 is still very closed to any kind of help and honestly that’s fine with me. Those ladies have already had their initial training so they don’t need much help anyways.
On the hubs I didn’t reach out to him as I normally do this morning mostly because I was still upset about yesterday but also I wanted to see how long before he reached out to me. He finally called in late afternoon and we talked and I said how I felt and idk if it even matters but at least it’s off my chest. I can’t just push things away without talking through them. If I try I end up dwelling.
Edit- I only have to work a half day tomorrow so I’m hoping to hit up some museums. And I’m OFF Sunday so I’m going hiking somewhere. I’ll find a place on my AllTrails app
Looking forward to hearing about the museums. I visited an art gallery last weekend and had a phenomenal time (I love galleries). Saw some contemporary stuff but spend the majority of my time in Europe
Wow those are stunning. I especially like the portrait panels (your first picture), because I’ve always found the care and craft artists put into these divine figures compelling. The Green Bridge is also nice: I like what the artist has done with the bodies and the shapes: there’s a surging, bubbly quality to it.
Doing my check in for day 21- I had a really great time at the art gallery and the history museum I went to. Towards the end I had a hard time staying in the moment and was getting bored which then lead to drinking thoughts. So I came back to the hotel and worked out. I ordered food and ran to get that but other than that I’ve just stayed at my hotel since this afternoon watching tv. I found a pretty big hiking area close to my hotel so I’ll be doing that tomorrow. From the map of the area there are tons of trails in that area and there is a lake. I’m hoping to spend all or most of the day hiking tomorrow depending on how my knee does.
Hey Jen i just wanted to say hope your weekend is going well try to just stay in the present moment keep up with your self care enjoy your personal time working out or hiking. I know how tough it can be at times in certain situations where it seems we must control what others should do to get better or make appointments it can be very aggravating for me. But i just remember my obligations to my health and do the best i can to take care of my well being and mental health. Hope your husband understands that you just want the best for him and that he needs to take care of himself better mentally and physically. Thanks for sharing reach out when your feeling the anxiety or uncomfortable with being out of control sometimes it helps to ask opinions from others and we learn a bit more about how to deal with things that overwhelms us at times. Wish you well and all the best.
Today already feels like a struggle with my emotions. Today it’s my dad. I’m thinking of reaching out to the counselor I found for the hubs and go for myself.
Edit- I came back to my hotel after I got lunch. I feel like just hiding myself here for the rest of the day. Found a criminal mind marathon
Check in for day 22- got up early and went to park 1- it was closed, went to second park and walked around the lake for maybe a mile but it wasn’t what I wanted so went to the state park here and finally found my trail. Spent probably about 4 hours out there. Somewhere in the trail my dad messaged to let me know for the 2nd time this week that he is going to Mexico. I’m not sure what made me do it but I send back Why do you never ask about me? How I am? Do you even know I’m in NC— cue a ton of follow up messages of how is is always thinking of me and blah blah. He didn’t even know I was here. He doesn’t know we put shady down back in may. He literally never asks about me. I feel so insignificant to the men involved in my life. Scott is dealing with his depression so we have hardly talked since I have been here. But then this brings me to why do I feel the need to be validated by them at all. Tomorrow I plan to call the psychologist. I obviously have some issues to work though. It’s sad I’m in a city I’ve never been to and can’t even trust myself to be out sight seeing because all I want to do is drink
I’m so sorry Jen.
That sounds really shitty.
You must feel pretty sad about that.
I wish there was something I could say or do to help.
But I am here. And I’m just watching football. And I’m happy to have your back tonight if you need.
I’ll be checking in and out on here. I just got in from Dallas. It’s nice to be home.
It’s pretty shitty. My dad has always been self centered. Probably why he left our family when I was 13 to start a new one. I have a lot of unresolved issues with him. And it’s hard to try and resolve them because he is so self centered. I’m afraid I’m going to have to find a way to disconnect from him.
I can’t make any excuses for Dads but my dad had us own problems and it was always mom who seemed to care. I knew Dad cared about me but we never talked on the phone or shit except for a quick hello. Here’s your mother.
Oh man that’s got to be rough as a kid and now as an adult to have and had to go through that. My dad was always injured with bad back stuff. Hospitals, self medicating. Always in pain. Body cast sometimes. Alcoholic and pills. Never worked. But at least he was there. At least kind of. I cannot imagine what it would be like growing up without 2 solid parents. That really sucks.
I’m bouncing back from Patriots who I’m picking just for spite over the Cowboys because I hate the Cowboys more than the Patriots. But I really don’t like either team.
And now I’m back to the AZ Cardinals fun team. Could should be my home team but I’m not crazy about rooting for them. Yet. I always love the underdog so I like the Cleveland Browns in this game.
My wife and I recently started a new round of couples counselling and the counsellor had us do a round of tests (scale of 1-5 for various questions about ourselves, our personal history, etc) - we did them separately and he compiled the results and shared them with us. It was fascinating. I learned some things about myself I hadn’t thought of before.
Whether it’s couples counselling or personal counselling I think there’s so much to learn from the experience, and at least for me personally, what I learned lifted a big emotional weight and helped me focus my attention in more constructive ways.
I am sure you’ll find what you need Jenn. Don’t give up the search. You will find what you need.
If you ever need to reach out pm me anytime, friend.
