I don’t know if this is just my self destructive side or what. Today I hit 300 days clean. In my 12 year struggle with addiction, I’ve only ever made it a month. This is huge progress for me.
I was proud of myself for a few minutes. But that quickly shifted to feeling like I want to relapse just because. The longer I’m clean, the more pressure I feel to keep that clean streak. My mind keeps telling me that if I give in and relapse, I won’t have that pressure on me.
I know I have made progress. I can feel it. My brain thinks differently than it did before. Relapse is no longer my immediate response to something negative. But I’ve been feeling the urge a lot more lately.
I fear that this entire battle is useless and will only lead to relapses. I know addiction brain is powerful and can seem logical when it’s not. But i just want to be done with the fight of staying clean.
I’m trying my best not to relapse. I’ll check in tomorrow
Update: made it to 301 days clean. Thank you for all of your responses, they helped a lot
While you say the urge to relapse is stronger it makes you stronger, addiction is powerful, and manipulative as fuck, as my sponsor says your brain wants to kill you, it’s up to you to let it
As days go on the counter gets bigger the strides become bigger, but we have that one dream to use or drink like a normal person. Which sounds kinda fucked, but it’s what our brains desire. Yet while we get lengths of sobriety, we also get this itch that one won’t hurt, and that we’re cured, and it’s always one whether it’s the 12th one or 1200th one till we realize it’s a relapse,
300 days is 300 strong, Go for double, 600 days, double that 1200 days, double that 2400 days.
A dude around here use to say fuck Fent, I say fuck addiction
I feel with you
Maybe try to concentrate on one day at a time. Counting days is not always helpful for everyone. It doesn’t matter how long you already have been sober - the only day sober that matters is today. now. from hour to hour. some people are motivated by piling up sober days. some people feel stressed by counting. that’s ok.
stay sober just for today. that’s enough. tomorrow you decide to stay sober tomorrow. yesterday you stayed sober, that’s fine and had an beneficial impact on today.
keep us posted, we are here for you
When u have been used to the up and down of crave, give in, guilt, crave, THAT is your stability. Stable is in fact a disturbance. Your brain is trying to pull u back to what it is used to. Don’t give in. 300 days is great. Just don’t give in today. And repeat.
Relapses lead to relapses. And if you feel counting the days puts pressure on you stop counting. It’s one day at a time anyway. For all of us. You’ve come a long way. Just keep going.
When you go into battle you need armour and for me meetings and 12 step program gave me that if you dont change your mind set then your brain will keep telling you that you will relapse , well done on 300 days wish you well
The memory of being high or drunk we did hundreds, maybe thousands of times. It’s always gonna be there, but the longer we get away from it the more we forget the shitty parts that always came with it. Makes it sound appealing again… you don’t need or have to revisit shit-land, Megan. 300 is so great! Working with other addicts/alcoholics keeps it fresh in my mind how bad it was.
You are doing amazing! And I agree with the comment if counting the days isn’t helping, stop counting. I struggle with counting the days too. I can’t pay attention to numbers or I start to obsess. Are you currently in therapy? With self harm, there’s so much going on inside your brain that talking with a therapist can help you learn proper tools, thought processes, healthy outlets and they can help you heal the trauma leading up to the addiction. Taking care of your mental health is just as important as taking care of your physical health, if not a little more so.
Keep going, Megan. One day at a time. You are doing amazing and we are all rooting for you!
When fighting to be sober no longer works then relax to be sober.
The energy you are putting into the system is being redirected back at you by yourself. Its def a bit of a pickle. Much like how flooring your accelerator can make your car more stuck if you stay on this path you may relapse, but if you let it go it cant affect you anymore.
Let it go. Dont fight it.
Theres no obligation or deadline, just life. Embrace life and let this illusion of standards slip away.
In time you’ll see the illusion you’re currently under as a fiendish trick, one that trips many up.
You are independant of any forces and have no obligation to perform, resist or even entertain any idea in your mind. Feel free to let this entire silly paradox float away. Give it a try and be mindful of that mental narrative playing inside. Let that float away too if its unuseful.
Congrats on your sobriety and freedom from alcohol! I stopped counting days after day 100. Now, on the 10th of every month, I acknowledge and celebrate my freedom from alcohol. March 10th will be a year. I’m just a non-drinker now. I do “work” on my recovery daily by taking good physical care of myself and AA and TLC meetings. Community is crucial to me. I live ODAAT, and have found that a good way to live.
I’m in therapy. I only have one person who supports me with this. When things escalate I reach out to him. When I can’t do that, I just do my best to keep busy
I do tend to get obsessive with numbers as well. My weight, calories, days clean, etc. I’m currently in therapy, I just tend to avoid the subject out of fear of being hospitalized
