I think I’ve become a serial relapser. But…I learn more about myself every time. I’m getting to know the territory better, it’s almost getting to be a beaten path.
Some things I’ve learned is to set a part of your brain to just observe and watch. It doesn’t judge or do anything it just observes. Eventually you begin to see how destructive your thoughts are to you. Not only about your addiction but even deeper levels.
For me, I’m seeing clearly that those thoughts serve NO purpose whatsoever and I’m getting better at just throwing them out. Some, of course, are much more stubborn than others. None of them want to leave though.
And then there are the cloud thoughts. They float in and out of our minds all the time.
Some are pleasant, some cause some pretty serious anger, some fear. So the advice I’ve been using for that is to NOT latch on the thoughts. Just let the emotions run through you. Do NOT engage in the thoughts. Sometimes the cloud emotions can get very strong and you feel like you’re being shaken to pieces. Just hang on because there is a limited amount of time for it to last, often just a very few minutes.
To get caught up in the thoughts is like grabbing tight of the bottom of a roaring thunderstorm and being carried along with it until you are too exhausted to hang on to it anymore. The storm is not the problem…WE are!
Just hunker down for a few minutes just like you’d do in a rainstorm. It will pass.
The thoughts are very frail. Just look at how fast --poof-- they disappear when the phone rings or whatever. Then you forget all about it instantly.
Grief and things are hard but still watch and observe yourself and see what is of any use whatsoever and maybe keep that for awhile but the rest you can throw out. It’s clutter and garbage. Our minds can be so cruel to us.
The battle of addiction after withdrawals is mostly a battle within ourselves at least with me. Then the lying voice goes into full swing. I’m amazed at how good it is. It knows every little angle how to get to me no matter what the circumstances.
I actually watch and observe it operating knowing full well what it’s doing yet still I cave in. (Actually, I think that voice is the same one that talks me into procrastination and whatever other wrong thinking).
All that said and here I am at Day One yet again. But I’m beginning to see it for the addiction that it is. Sounds weird, I’ve been an alcoholic for many years. Even though I knew that I was (maybe) addicted, I never really “knew” that. Now that understanding is beginning to flicker in and out. Hard to explain.
Will this be my last relapse? We’ll see. But if I do relapse again, I will try again.
Just keep trying!