Beauty is only skin deep, and beneath the skin, lives a monster. From where he came, I don’t know.
I’ve always tried to be the guy who has his shit together but that facade is only skin deep. There lives a monster within. This monster is the dark voices that I’ve tried drown out for so many years. The voice that say I’m worthless, the voice that says everyone is better off without me and that I don’t deserve what I have. The voice that tries to convince me to give up on life and punch the clock, or worse. Ironically, the one thing that I used to quiet that voice was the one thing that made it louder; alcohol.
Sobriety is great, I love it, but that monster beneath my skin is still there, waiting, whispering to me. He still says the same old things, but his voice is quieter these days.
I’m not sure when this monster came to be, nor do I know how to exorcise it, but the one thing I do know is that if I don’t feed it, it’ll grow weaker.
If you have feelings of inadequacy or suicidal thoughts, just know that you’re not alone. Many of us struggle with that monster, even if we don’t look like it.
These feelings are truly a challenging one that I often feel, as well. I stand up for those who truly struggle with these problems because I have the worst self-confidence issue, and struggle daily if not hourly with feelings of inadequacy as well. Though I push these feelings down and try to remove them ever day, they are lingering and stalking me as they attempt to control my life once more. Truly, Monster is accurate word choice.
The only things that have helped me so far is to find a way to tell myself I am still worth it, and that I always have been. I have to look at myself in the mirror each morning (and sometimes in the middle of the day) and reassure myself that the good I am doing is worth it to others - and if not, at least to myself. I am my own worst critic, so attacking myself won’t help me any longer if it hasn’t helped me up to now.
Hang in there, and take each day at a time. We are all here for you, and available to talk if you need us
I dont know if this will make sense or apply but I’m going to give it whack anyway. Before I realized I had a problem with booze, because it was still fun, I used to drink with guys I played ball with. From april to November/December a few days a week and sunday mornings (which were always the best) the routine was softball/ bar. Sundays were the best because it meant morning game (hungover or still drunk) then the bar for many many hours. There were a few of us who would literally open the bar and close it. There was one guy that I couldn’t stand when I was sober and I know the feeling was mutual but add a few drinks and we were thick as thieves. Outside of softball season we never hung out. I realized this guy just pissed me off, not one likeable quality unless I was drinking. I also realized how on edge I was, like any second one of us would lose our composure and we’d be rolling in the gutter. Looking back on those days now, I’ve come to realize I didnt need to endure any of it, had I been sober, there’d have been no interaction, for which I would have had more peaceful sundays. To the point, I learned too late how to deal with the people and the thoughts/feelings that got under my skin. It was completely unnecessary to suffer people like that. I see a similarity with your monster. Being sober to me isn’t only about living a better life it’s also about living with the choices we made when we werent. Our demons dont have to be so tormenting anymore, you’re correct in you’re assessment that they’re always going to be there but they dont get to win anymore, we have new tools to deal with them, acceptance is one of the best. Recognition is another. We know who, what, where and why they are, avoidance may be impossible but they dont get to control our daily outcome. I hope this makes sense.
Oh man, Dan. This one really hit me in the gut, my friend. Thank you for sharing this, I’d imagine it was a hard one to write. And harder to have these feelings. Such an important thing for you to say and to encourage those who have those feelings to know they aren’t alone. If I was in PNW, I would drive my ass over to your house, we’d go out for some coffee, listen to some good tunes and hang for a bit. I would give you a big-ass bear hug and tell you exactly how worth it you are. You are worth it to yourself. You are worth it to your wife and children. You are worth it to the music you make. You are worth to the people’s day you brighten. And you are so fucking worth it to me and all the other people on here who hang on your words, totally dig your vibe and really like you as a person. I would tell you how much you have inspired so many. I would explain to you that you ARE SO absolutely and unequivocally worth it. I would tell you that nobody, absolutely nobody, would be better off without you. And I would tell you that you totally 100% deserve everything you have. I would tell you that we know you as a guy who fights the good fight and is coming out on top. That you are a man who has battled so hard to get to this place and who ain’t going back to the last. And who is in the process of destroying that monster who lives below the surface. Sure, that freak may have won a lot of battles, but he is not going to win this war. You are. Know that there are many on here who love you and feel a deep kinship with you. I am one of them. Keep. Fucking. Fighting.
Linkin Park have a song about this called “Papercut”
For what it’s worth mate, you’re not alone. I think everyone has this to some degree and us addicts probably more than most.
A saying from this app that I really love is:
“You have many habits that weaken you. The secret of change is to focus your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”
For me, I try to build positive thoughts, because I know I can’t stop the bad. Over time I’ve developed a balance.
A good place to start is with positive actions, my counselor in rehab always said ‘keep your feet in the right place and your mind will eventually follow.’
Thank you for sharing this. Take care <3
I’m realizing that this monster has been living inside of me ever since I was a small child. I have never felt “good enough”. Not to my parents, not to my teachers, not to my coaches, not to my peers…never. But I didn’t drink when I was little…well, not true. I used to beg my Dad for “slugs” from his beer at a very young age. I also used to “chug a lug” wine when my mom asked me to fill up her glasses. I’m sure I was 12 at the time. But I wasn’t getting drunk or trying to achieve something with this drinking. I just did it because I could and it was what the older people were drinking. It was much later that I actively used alcohol to try and make myself feel better about myself.
I actually feel really good about my sobriety right now. I won’t say “I’ve got this” or anything but drinking doesn’t worry me so much as not getting rid of this “not good enough” feeling. If I don’t deal with that all of my addictive behaviours will never go away.
Edit: didnt mean to post this twice, meant to edit and hit delete… ooops. 2nd time I’ve done that, you’d think I would learn
Thank you so much! You’re right this was hard to write, I’ve probably written it a dozen times only to delete it. I guess thats analogous with the whole illness; wanting to talk about it but being afraid to speak up out of fear of ridicule. The rational mind says that is ridiculous, but that damn voice…
I’d be proud to take you up on coffee, any day of the week my friend! Thank you!
Thank you for your honesty and giving of yourself in this post.
I know that monster well; your words so accurately and vividly describe how it attacks. I am so thankful that the knowledge of what it is gives us a fighting chance to manage it.
For me, knowing that I don’t have to fight the monster alone any more has made a tremendous difference. Just knowing that there are people like me out there…in here…is a huge comfort.
Know that you are never alone, no matter how hard that cunning voice tries to convince us differently.
I love Linkin Park, they are very underrated, which basically means I put them on a higher pedestal than most other people. None the less, they are to me what Alice in Chains was when I was a teen. Thanks for the kind words!
It’s comforting knowing that I’m not alone. It was a little blurb that @SassyRocks wrote recently on a thread about having a plan that made me finally have the courage say what I’ve been wanting to say, so huge thanks to her!
I’m glad my share helped you because this is a powerful thread. I too lived a long time with a lot of suicidal thoughts. My first husband killed himself (as did many friends, some acquaintances and relatives) so I know the repercussions for those left behind. That is about the only thing that kept me tethered to this body.
The dark thoughts being gone is a true blessing. It is so hard to thrive with that specter over your head. And for me, those thoughts were all caused by alcohol.
I am glad you are here @Dejavu. You give so much back. Thank you.
Dan, thanks for sharing mate.
I can totally relate to what you’re saying, but I’ve found it hard for some reason, to actually write a reply that sounds right. Idk why, the words look different written down than they do when I think them. If that makes sense.
Being free of my doc’s ( even though I don’t feel I was addicted to weed and other rec drugs, they certainly didn’t help!) has helped me realise just how that monster has affected me in my life.
This post gave me goosebumps Dan! Thank you for sharing. All that I can add to this is a sentence I have on my phone and read it from time to time and it helps:
“You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery”
