Just this year I managed to go 60 days sober. Sadly it wasn’t because of any big self-realization or to better myself long term. I had a work event that I decided to start drinking before, then continued to drink during and after. I deliberately ingnored my wife’s text messages and calls, while she begged me to stop and come home. The next morning I was in pretty rough shape, but had to push that aside as I knew I was “in the dog house”.
During those sober days, I actually felt pretty good. Less bloated, happy, more energy, and not in a fog. However, the cravings were still there and there were certainly occasions I felt like I was missing out because I was the only one not drinking. Honestly, it could have been 90% of the people there not drinking, but my brain was confined everyone else was drinking and having more fun than me.
Well, my 2 months of sobriety were complete and I felt proud and accomplished. I decide it was enough tile to have learned to control alcohol. No more sneaking extra drinks or stashing nips snywhere I could manage. It started with a drink socially here and there, and I started to get comfortable and complacent. I found myself drinking almost every night, albeit most nights was just a beer or two.
Then, another work outing. Only this one was a big one. Company Christmas party with everyone. This included the CEO, directors, people from all over the company that I work with via email, but have never met. It was at a venue over an hour from work and corporate had a bus to get us there and back. I drank the whole way there and was well on my way to drunk as I arrived. The drinking continued, but I was feeling great. My usual drunk self…talking to much, saying too much, and generally not shutting up.
The tail end of the evening soon came and I was quite drunk. They were doing tours of the venue which I happily joined in on. From this point I can only remember bits and pieces. Putting together my fuzzy memory and the stories from my coworkers, it isn’t something I’m proud of. I decided to per in a trash can and got mad when some person I don’t know wouldn’t “block” for me. The venue has a separate area in which there is a bar (which was not stocked or being used that eveing) and I apparently tried to get beer anyways. Shortly after this I managed to get lost. My group realized it eventually and tried to stop the tour to look for me. They were told that “they were aware of an individual who left the tour, and security is taking care of it”. Fortunately security simply led me back to my group and shortly after we got back in the bus to head home. As soon as I got on th bus, I curled up in my seat and passed out. Apparently not even waking as others were seconds away from throwing punches.
Friday rolls around and I can’t even stomach going to work (although I did go). I am embarrassed, ashamed, and generally mortified by my actions. I have high aspirations in my company and genuinely do not know how bad my drunkennes was nor who really saw it. Have I destroyed my chances at moving up? Who knows. I never wanted to be the office/company drunk. I just don’t have control over alcohol. After just one drink, I want 20 more. There is no amount that is enough.
I realize this post is long, especially considering it only covers a couple days of “my story”. It is therapeutic to write it down, even if the only person to read it is me.
Maybe not similar in minute detail, similar in plot and consequence.
We’ve all had those drunk moments that elicit cringes of regret. Oh the times I did or said something while drunk, swore to clean up my act, only to convince myself that I could handle drinking once again, only to fall back into the same pattern.
What changed for me was a decision to be better. To never again allow myself to have to feel the hangover, the shame, the guilt. To quit before something really bad happened. A DUI. Loss of a job. Irreparable damage to my marriage.
I realized that all I had to do was say “no” to one drink…the drink that matters…the first drink. If I could do this, I would be free. 377 days of saying “no” to the drink that matters and I am never going back, never will I choose to put those chains back on.
And you can too. Decide to be better and then be better. Keep getting better at getting better each and every day.
@Yoda-Stevie, I think the hard part is I sort of feel scared of the thought of saying no to the first drink for the rest of my life. Alcohol has been a part of my life so long that I don’t know if I’m ready to give it up, even though I know it is what’s best.
Hey if you aren’t ready then you aren’t ready. There’s nothing wrong with that. What I suggest is go out there and do what it takes to get become willing. I can assure you that your drinking problems won’t get better so hopefully you won’t need to much more to finally reach that point where you are willing to do the work
Nothing I hadn’t felt myself, back when. I understand the trepidation you are experiencing.
And yet you have yet to experience the joy and peace that comes when sober is part of who you are. Now it’s not all rainbows and unicorn farts, but my “bad days” are no longer self-inflicted. I am free of all that garbage. I wouldn’t trade this for all the booze in the world.
The almost $6K I’ve not spent on booze pays for my martial arts classes, and paid for a well-equipped garage dojo. My marriage has never been stronger. My relationships with my kids fantastic. I walk with my head up, shoulders back, and no regrets.
Nope. Wouldn’t trade this feeling for a drink. The thought of never drinking again? I love the thought of it, and I have the power to make it so.
You have taking a good step forward by writing all this down and putting it out there. I have done so much stupid and embarrasing shit while drunk. We all have .You are not alone one in that. Remember this feeling next time you want to drink. Also, buy your wife some flowers. Attach a note that says,
“You were right. I’m sorry.”
The only peraon who can decide to stop drinking is you. Only you can determine what your rock bottom is and when it is time. Do you really want it to get worse? Hope you feel better soon.
Forever is a long time. Personally, I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow, next week, next year or 20 years from now, so I’ll decide not to drink today. It makes my decision easier to accept because I don’t have to think about how my decision today will effect future events.
At this point in my life, the further I get from day 0, the more I’m comfortable with long term sobriety, if that means forever, then I’m fine with that.
Thanks for posting that Dasindog. I start having unhealthy thoughts when I think about never drinking again. When I think about today, and some days the next hour, I am okay with it.
This app has helped me stay in the present.
I don’t care about my sobriety date.
I’m adding one more day to a string of days.
Each day is a another chance to be more at peace.
Keep going and be resilient. You aren’t the first or last to have regrettable memories.
Charles D
Make it the last time you have to feel this way.
You made it 60 days sober before, so you can do it. Try to learn from your relapse. Now you know you cannot be a “social” drinker. Make a plan how to stay sober. There are many tips here on this app. Or find a AA ore SMART group, it helps a lot of people here.
I wish you well 
️
You make a great point. It can be overwhelming to think of this in terms of months or years. Thinking of it as a choice one day at a time or even one social situation at a time makes it sound doable.
I felt this way when I first quit drinking. I really didn’t want to quit. Forever?? That’s a lot to think about. I joined AA, collected numbers and listened to the advice there. Did it one day at a time. in the beginning I thought I was living in the moment. However I still worried about the next party? Wedding? Holiday? Maybe a year after quiting I finally understood living in the moment. But I faked it until I could actually do it. I also prayed. A lot. Didnt really believe but I did it anyway. I works. Glad your here. Stick around lots of great people here including you
This statement alone shines that alcohol still has it’s grips on you.
Will you believe that you’ll quit, then pick it up in the future and not have this office embarrassment experience happen again?
Is that risk worth it?
Or, when you have detoxed and return to “just one” that turns into all night drinking, and your body suffers permanent damage?
It’s time to get sober.