More than ever I am feeling Alot of hate towards myself, there’s hate that I wish I’d done this sooner… There is hate that I lost my one person through my actions.
As Im doing these preparations of a funeral for someone who really hasn’t been part of my life for a good six years, Im hating myself more and more for the stupid actions I’ve done. My addictions crippled me and as I resurface clean I wish I had that one last chance… Maybe for others don’t fuck up your chances if you have a love one standing beside you, don’t think your stronger then your addiction.
I know I’ll be on my own for the rest of my life as I fucked the one love of my life up, don’t throw away your chances, don’t think your better than your addiction your Not!
I will never take away the fact I’m grateful I’m still here, I’m thankful that even thou I’ve had shit news after shit news smashed my way… I’ve choose not to pick up there is and I’m pretty sure always will be apart of me that thinks I deserve that drug or booze as a reward.
I will stay clean as I want to show myself I do deserve a life but I know I don’t deserve a life with love ever again for my errors!
That’s just not true, everyone deserves love. Chin up. The past is the past, and any mistakes you’ve made do not define you or your future. Keep striving to be your best self and move forward, it is all we can do.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through all the things that you are at the moment. At times we are so hard on ourselves, we pick away at ourselves and it hurts. Today I have been picking away at myself, I’ve driven myself mad! Why do we do this??? We can not change the past…we can only decide on the steps we take toward the future. You are a lovely person Danni and you are always such a supportive person on here, I value you very much. You will be fine, I promise. And when the time is right you will meet someone else, if that’s what you want. And you will be happier than ever! Stay strong my friend. This journey is hard and you are doing amazingly. Be kinder to yourself…I will if you will lol! Sending hugs and peace to you lovely lady
Every person has screwed up, including me. I broke a few hearts that deserved far better than what they got from me. I’ve missed moments with my loved ones that I can’t get back, because time moves in one direction. I’ve shirked when I should have pushed, or pushed when I should have played it cool.
My point is, this is part of being human. We are the sum of our experiences, to a large degree. Our experiences and mistakes are part of us.
I think you are quite young. You have decided to be better, and every day clean and sober you are better, and getting better at getting better. A better you can give your best to those you love and will one day love. This rough season will pass, as they always do, and you will enter a season of joy and happiness. The thing is, its not behind you, so no use looking it there…it’s in FRONT of you. Keep walking sober, and you will get there.
I said this exact same thing. However, after 928 days, I found someone really special. I have been where you are at. It’s hard to see. Work on yourself first, sobriety brings rewards you will never think of right now
Aww Danni, don’t beat yourself up. We’ve all fucked up in the past. I’ve been having a hard time letting go of all the shit I’ve done but I’m getting there. I’m so proud of you for getting clean and sober at a young age. You’ve got a lifetime of happiness ahead of you. You’re beautiful and worthy of a happy clean life. You will find love again, it just takes time.
You’ve gotten such great advice here already. I only have to add this one thing very strongly: no matter what you did, you deserve love. Your work on yourself, your struggle for understanding and becoming a better person merits this.
I know what it’s like to deeply deeply regret and beat myself up till I’m pretty much a bloody pulp. But despite the engrained habit of doing this to myself, I know, and this knowledge is growing in me and its hold in me is getting stronger, that I deserve good things, that I deserve love. So do you.
It will get better, and thats not hokey feel good BS.
I thought I lost the love of my life 2 years ago. I couldnt get sober “for her”. I cried and cried. I was hollow for longer than I realized. Then one day the right person came into my life and I have love and support more than my wildest dreams.
Do I wish anymore I had done this sooner? Yes and No, but I wouldnt change what I have now.
I mean I realllllyyyyyyyy thought I lost the love of my life.
Someone will come along who is more worthy of the clear and obvious love you contain. It will be worth it. My heart goes out to you.
It’s way too easy to feel anger and hate toward yourself, to think that “if only I had done A, B, or C…” but that only serves to hold you back in the now. You do deserve life with love. You deserve all the good things that living clean has to offer you. We can’t judge our past selves by the things we know now.
