Been sober just around three months. When I am low, I have this deep void. And my addiction is.. well, love, men, drugs, attention, alcohol, porn. And I have this deep scream to be attached to a man. When out any man I see (good looking) I want him. It is not sexual, I just want to be close to him and want him to make me his. It has been like this since I was young.
I created this dream man in my mind (through movies and what not) and lived in this world, never being in reality. I am doing a lot of meditation and listening to a lot of satsang (sermons). And one of the masters there said, you are not special. I suffer from Narcissistic personality disorder and this really hurt me so much, though it is true. It is a deep held belief that I am special. It has been chipping away slowly but it is also bring a lot of sadness. To know that I am ordinary just like everyone else. It sits extremely uncomfortably with me.
Just want to latch on to a guy and never let go, that how it feels. Just want to hold on to something and never let go of it. It also makes me sad that I have lived a life with warped expectations and distortions. I feel rejected easily as I feel so entitled. This has been painful to let go of my sense of being special, to be grounded. The shattering of this self image is painful and confusing.
Believe it or not, it seems like you’re in an extremely beautiful process of breaking down those illusions that once kept you crippled. Some might say it’s an ego death.
Many people go their entire lives not reaching this place and although it’s uncomfortable and painful, I’d say it’s necessary for growth.
It does feel good yes.. but it’s just an illusion, a fantasy that isn’t real or sustainable. As Sassy said that was a genuine honest post you wrote so well done for pouring that out. Keep up the meditation and your ‘bar’ will change and you’ll open yourself up to a more fulfilling genuine relationship.
When the ego dies, we discover our true worth. We ARE special and amazing just because we are and just they way we are. Our real worth doesn’t need any approval from anyone or anything.
Keep on fighting and letting go. You will not only survive, you will find freedom.
First off, congrats on hitting the 3-month mark! That’s quite an accomplishment. When it comes to needing attention, it might require some introspection. It’s important to remember that narcissistic tendencies don’t define someone. Also, my partner and I used to be quite narcissistic (fortunate enough to change before we reconnected later in life). All our past relationships ended because we were those people—we played mind games and slowly made others dependent on us. I was constantly trying to force attention I thought I needed, and I would immediately attach myself to anyone who looked at me a certain way. When I was single or dealing with my significant other, I would go off the rails, hoping something would happen so I could get the attention I was seeking. I was very unstable. Once I started quitting the numbing agents and social lubricants, I began to realize all these things and more. That’s when you need to dig deep. Did you always feel this way? What’s your earliest memory of rejection? Etc. Sorry for the long windedness. I just hope it helps. DM me if you ever need anything. Grounding vibes my friend.
Oh boy you described me to a t. I was a little different but ultimately the same feelings, for the longest time I never felt good looking so I always tried to sleep with as many woman I could to try and feel better. Even when woman told me I was good looking I never believed it. But I always felt like I needed a girl in my life to make me feel better, drugs and alcohol never helped any of my relationships as I always was insecure and felt like every girl was cheating. Each time I got sober I always tried to work on it and myself rather than focusing on a relationship or girl. But I’d always relapse and fall back into the circle. Right now I have 26 months sober and I just absolutely did not look for a girl at all, about 9 months in I did find and absolutely beautiful girl who felt like we were meant to be from the beginning. We now have been together 20 months and she is my everything. You will find your everything too, but keep working on yourself too. Much love
thanks.. when u read these messages you feel like you are not bat shit crazy and abnormal… u feel like everyone has got it and you are the only one who is abnormal.
In my experience, all that searching I did for something outside of me…men (lots and lots of that), alcohol, drugs, xyz…all that searching and need was for an honest and loving relationship with myself. For feelings of self worth and pride and self esteem. It was impossible to feel that when I was drinking and I drank for all of my life from teen on up. Until I started looking within, instead of outside of myself, I was stuck in a circle of longing.
We have the power/answer all along…for me, it was the search for my self…who I really did not know or trust at all.
No one, no one, has life figured out. You are not abnormal at all. We all go thru stuff. Some of it is unique to our life experiences, some of it we all share.
This is life. Good stuff and hard stuff. One thing for sure…I am grateful to be sober and open to questions and hard stuff like you bring up.
I see you and i feel you, ive done the same thing, I didnt know it back then but it arose from the trauma of my dad abandoning me when I was young, followed by my step being emotionally abusive and my mother being emotionally cold and distant…I craved closeness with another human being….someone just for me that I could rely on and wouldn’t leave me, but in the same breath i feel extremely unworthy of love…..id sleep with men not because I wanted sex either but because I wanted the closeness and the validation I so craved….because of the void eventually I too turned to alcohol (and drugs at times) when my daughters dad left us i started my drinking journey which resulted in me becoming alcohol dependant after needing more and more to numb the pain and fill the void….ironically once I got sober and really worked on myself for a couple of years I found that man, the relationship im in now is the most fulfilling relationship with a man I have ever had but I truly believe if I hadn’t done the work ive done on me for me then I wouldn’t have attracted such a loving soul nor would I have given him the time of day because id have written him off as ‘too nice’ because i know now i subconsciously didnt deserve someone who would treat me right…the timing and the work I did on myself was everything…get to know yourself, accept who you are and work with yourself.. become friends with you…. Get to know your whys for your behaviours….seek professional help if you can, stay sober and the opportunities will come when they are meant to but you have to heal first
thanks.. when u read these messages you feel like you are not bat shit crazy and abnormal… u feel like everyone has got it and you are the only one who is abnormal.
