I’m all moved into my new home. Everything is in it’s right place. If you were to walk into my home you would never know the sorrow that blankets these walls like deep fog. My first embarkment on this journey without him, moving into my own home, where I have my room and no longer our room, into a home where the memories made are just the three of us, where a family of four once stood now only three remain. His urn is what sits in place of his physical body, a stark reminder that he was ripped from this earth just fourteen month’s ago, feels like a lifetime ago….
I miss him. It’s still hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that he does not exist anywhere on this physical earth. Every vibrant personality trait that all who met him loved, completely gone, vanished due to one decision made, one year ago. One tiny pill that held death inside of it… I sometimes think it’s a nightmare, that he’ll walk through the door anytime now, a nightmare that I’m just about to wake up from. I never do end up waking though and he of course, never will walk through our doorway again…
I have many regrets about the years we had together. The most haunting one being I wish I would have never started using with him. Could he have been so much more if I’d stayed his steady anchor? There is no going back though, the hands on life’s clock rewind for no one, decisions that are made are forever set in stone, leaving just a longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible. Nostalgia always for what never was, the desire for all the things that could have been. Creating a painful landscape, eternal sunsets for what we were, what we should have been…
Oh the intensity I’ve felt over the loss of him. Scared to keep moving forward without him, like a permanent state of looking backwards, clutching onto memories, anything worth grasping at that remains of him, of us. So What does my future look like now? I’m not sure? What I do know is, I will rummage through this left over rubble and ash seeking what pieces are left here at ground zero and I will make something good from this grief. I will learn to love life, even when I have no stomach for it. Holding it between my palms and with a choked voice saying to it, yes, I will take you and I will love you, again.
