Hello Starlight14, I hope that my personal experience on this topic can be of some use to you:
First I want to apologize if my English is not very good, but I will make every effort so that you can understand me. I come from a family disintegrated by violence and addictions, my parents were raised in similar environments. They were forced to get married because I was about to be born. My father’s alcoholism was very strong, he not only drank, cheated on her with other women, but he was also very violent and beat my mother. On the other hand, my mother has a disorder called post-traumatic stress disorder, due to different situations that she experienced from the death of her father when she was a child, to the difficult marriage and divorce with my father.
In the midst of these “unresolved” stories, I was born, I only lasted two years in the midst of my parents’ violence. From the age of two I lived under the care and protection of my maternal grandmother. And curiously he came out of the mouth of the wolf, to reach the house of hell hehehe.
My mother and my father restarted their marital lives, formed other families, my mother went to live in another state with her new husband and she had two children. When I was approximately nine years old, my mother came to visit my grandmother, and stayed at my aunt’s (her sister’s) house, let me tell you that at that time, for me, she was everything, she was my mother, and Despite being far from her, I was content with those annual visits I made because she could pay attention to me some days. It happened that that summer day, she called me and she told me:
Carlos, we need to talk, I want you to know that I am not your mother… your mother is your grandmother. I DO NOT LOVE YOU as a son, maybe I love you as someone in my family, but I want you to know that I already have a family, a husband and two children. I have already followed my path and you are not part of that life. That’s why I left you with my mom, do you understand what I’m telling you? I don’t want you to be close to my children or me, go on with your life. - I want you to know that those words sank into the depths of me, I didn’t care. I said nothing and just ended up going back to my grandmother’s house.
My mother, she has always been a very difficult woman in all aspects, difficult to treat as a person, difficult to understand, etc. She always tries to blame you for everything and always minimizes people. In her world only she matters. For years, we always fought, offended each other and hurt each other, I always expected a “forgive me” from her.
In May 2023, taking therapy with my ex-wife, she (my ex) told me exactly the same words that my mother used 40 years ago and my head exploded and I understood everything, I want to tell you that that same week where my relationship ended, My grandmother (the woman who always took care of me) passed away. She was falling apart my “world.”
In December 2023, I was alone at home, it was the first Christmas in which I would not be with my son, and I just wanted revenge, I wanted my mother to apologize for the harm she did to me, but something happened, something that didn’t happen. I can explain to you in simple words… that day I was crying in the dining room, sitting wondering why there was no justice, what had I done for my mother to hate me so much? I was a child, my “sin was being the son of a alcoholic”? and at that moment, only the following words came: - “You only need to forgive if you want to be free” -, I cried more and questioned why I had to do it… and it happened, at the moment when I was most angry, alone and sad. I felt: “Juana Flora, I forgive you” and I felt an instant liberation, as if thousands of kilos had been removed from my neck.
I am very clear about two things from that experience: One: I don’t hate her, I have no resentment towards her and I really hope that she does well and is better. Two: True forgiveness comes from the recognition of myself, that I have nothing to forgive. That she is human, fallible, limited and imperfect, but the fact that I forgive her does not mean that he wants her by my side, or that I want to share my life with her or that I want to be with her in some way. By forgiving her, I let go of the hate, pain and sadness that she caused me. But today I don’t want him to apologize for anything. I don’t love her, I don’t love her, but I don’t want her to be bad either.
I hope my story can be of help. I understand what you feel, I only share with you how I was able to free myself and find forgiveness.
May God fill you with blessings and cover you with Him protective mantle. Happy 24 hours.
