Okay, so my whole “addiction” story started in early 2017, January to be exact. It all started with a well known mental order dynamic duo called ANXIETY and DEPRESSION. I have dealt with these in the years preceding but it hasn’t had a terrible impact on me until now. I felt trapped and powerless throughout this whole year and nothing feels right. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worst and right now I’m still trying to cope with all the terrible situations that have come into fruition since the first time I started experimenting HEAVY with substances. I want help.
I have experimented with drugs since I first sparked up a marijuana joint when I was 14 (I’m 17 now). The first time was interesting. I had never been in an altered state of mind, so this was a brand new experience for me. It felt awesome. I felt like I was flying and everything was so chill! I liked it. Back then I didn’t really think much of it. I never felt a strong urge to smoke again. Sure, it felt nice but it wasn’t the best thing EVER. The same year I would go on to do it several more times but I was still not attached. This is good. I actually kind of scared myself away from weed when I experienced a bad trip. My goofy self thought it would be fun to get high and go to school in the morning. It was terrible. I felt so nervous, anxious and scared on my way to school and I literally thought that I was going to die. I couldn’t approach anyone, or look at anyone straight in their eyes. Before any substances I was a pretty shy kid but weed really brought it out. I was nervous for no reason for the first time when I had this bad trip. This was the turning point for weed.
I decided to drop weed because of all of the anxiety it would give me and I wouldn’t touch it for a while. It was unpleasant and that pushed me away. But one day i was introduced to a substance way better than weed. One that would come with no anxiety. One that actually calmed me down and made me feel at peace. One that i thought so great. Tramadol. This was the first opiate i would ever take. My friend introduced me to opiates with this and he gave me a few tablets for free. It was such a great feeling. I felt so calm, relaxed, and laid back. Nothing touched me. I would do it at school and school would become a little more fun. The euphoria was discreet and that made it even more enjoyable. To everyone else I was normal, sober. That made it great.
Now i didnt get addicted to this at all. It was a once in a while thing for a bit. I wouldn’t do it or crave it if it wasn’t around. It was okay. So again i shrugged it off. I was still a bit curious about getting high though because of the different experience I had under Tramadol, so i took to the interwebs and did a bit of research. I can kinda say that my addiction kind of stems because of the internet. If it wasn’t for all of the information i got on drugs i wouldn’t have touched anything other than weed. So heres what happened.
I found out about drug classes and which ones ive tried. I thought tramadol was safe and legal but as it turns out its on a class SIMILAR to heroin. This kind of freaked me out at first but i saw that i wasn’t a heavy user to i put it off. I would research all the different types of drugs and all of the different types of opiates. Then i researched legal highs. Legal highs. This included things like DXM, Benadryl, and all of those over the counter things. I found this to be super cool because i had these things lying around my house. So on a peaceful thanksgiving night, i looked in my medicine cabinet and found a big ol’ bottle of Vicks Dayquil containing ONLY DXM. I gotta say, out of anything ive ever tried DXM was the coolest, hands down. How can something so intense and euphoric be legal? The first time i got high on DXM i took a little bit because i was a bit skeptical about it. I took half of this big ol bottle and landed on the 2nd plateau. I didnt think much of it until it hit. I was playing xbox and i had to get up to get something and i felt extremely euphoric. It took me a second to actually feel what i was feeling but when i did it felt great. I felt so spacey and calm but it really popped off when i put on some music. It was off the chain, i was really chill and i danced because of how lit it was. All of my music sounded dope! It was unique. But like everything else i didnt get attached. I guess i didnt have an addictive personality back then.
The last thing i would do this year was Codeine. My mom got prescribed some Tylenol 4’s for pain and the pills were just there. I read about different types of painkillers a few weeks before, so i was curious. So being a sneaky and rebellious young man, i snatched a few. I think i took two tablets so it was about 60mg of codeine. This was the most intense body high ive felt. It was extremely calm and relaxing. It was way better than tramadol thats for sure. I liked it a lot and i would do it a few more times, sneaking a few from my moms vial every two weeks. But i STILL wasnt attached to drugs.
I stopped using substances for a year and a half in 2015 because they just werent appealing to me anymore. I preferred having fun with friends and living life sober. I completely stopped thinking of drugs. I was healthy, going to the gym everyday, studying, doing good in school, playing video games and having a great time. I didnt feel the need to use drugs because everything was okay. It kind of stopped one day in May of 2016. I was sober since February of 2015.
I ended up taking a little more dayquil than i shouldve, thinking it wouldnt do anything to me. But it did. I felt a little woozy and it was fun. But unexpected. I didnt think i would get high. So i let loose and went back to doing drugs. I would take a semi-recreational dose of dayquil once a week for a month. Then in the summer of 2016 i was introduced to marijuana edibles. I hated smoking weed at this point in life because i hated the paranoia that came with it. I would be so worried about smelling like it, having red eyes, and looking out of it. Two of those concerns were non existant with edibles. I liked edibles. So i would buy one every week as a reward of sorts. I wpuld continue to get high every week and i still am to this day. I want to stop.
Now the weekly high thing was okay with me at the time. I thought as long as i stay productive and do my thing ill be fine. Or so i thought. I had a lot on my plate during the end of 2016. I had a job, i had school, i had a social life, i stayed fit, but i wanted to make room to get high. So i would drop something from my lifestyle to do this. I dropped the job in December after working there for a few months. Everything was okay for a while but then something weird happened.
There was this girl that i started messing with. Before her i didnt really have experience with girls and i was super shy. I was comfortable with her though and i was convinced that she liked me. But i didnt know that she didnt. Now she didnt really have such a great lifestyle. She was a stoner who dropped acid and did a few substances in the past. I kind of wanted to turn in to a different person to appeal to her. So i started getting high more. I guess i can say i was doing it to be cool. When i saw it wasnt working i would do more and more until finally, i just did it for me. I felt depressed. I felt like i wasnt good enough. My self esteem was so low and drugs were my outlet. I went back to DXM and heavy. I even shoplifted once to get high something which i have never done in the past. It felt so wrong but i didnt care. This is the beginning of my worst year ever.
I went from getting high every week to getting high a few times a week. I would basically get high on whatever was available. Benadryls in the medicine cabinet, i get high. Cough medicine in the fridge, i get high. Weed, i get high. A couple brewskis in the fridge, i would get drunk. I honestly just didnt want to be sober. Its boring. Im kind of still like this. It sucks so much because i know life is way more than just getting high. But getting high and being in an altered state of mind is just so fun. I want to stop though. I dont want to rely on substances to have fun. I hate it so much. I feel like im in a constant cycle and i feel like im only looking forward to getting high. I wanna shake it off. Not to mention all the bad things happening in my household from my fathers own addictions, to my kid sister getting pregnant, to my older sister moving out and to my moms underlying depression because of it all. I want to remain strong but its so hard when i have all of these things to worry about. Its been such a hard year and i wanna make 2018 better. I dont want to rely on substances. I dont even want to think about substances. Ive become addicted.
Thank you for reading my story. It was a bit lengthy but i kind of wanted to reflect on it by writing it all down. I wanted to share because its been a long time coming and i finally want to kick my habits. If anybody has any advice, please contact me. Thank you so much 
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All I can say is stop now “while you’re ahead”. Don’t wait till you’ve had almost 20 yrs or more of addiction like me and many others. The future of addiction will bring incredible destruction. If you are feeling this way now take advantage of it! You have so much to lose and your whole life ahead of you. Im new to this app but it has helped me so much already. Surround yourself w sober people. Get into NA or even AA. Being w like minded addicts who want to stay sober has been one of the most powerful and helpful keys for me! You can do it! Life is SO much better sober and the internal mind wars can be silenced. Something I never thought possible. Keep fighting. Do whatever you have to do to stay sober. Its worth it!
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