My first time I got a year I was so excited, so proud of myself only 3 months later to relapse over some unaccounted for reservations. Well this time I’m working a more complete program and really have mostly lost the desire to use anymore. The idea I can do it successfully is long gone.
I just got 1 year back Oct 2nd and… It wasn’t the same. Despite doing my step work, reaching out, going to a shitton of meetings I just feel… empty. I’m never really much of a pink clouder but this is, something different. I tried to hide my 1 year clean but then someone remembered and I was really uncomfortable at my birthday meeting. I feel like it has something to do with my mom passing away right after my first one year. She skyped into my birthday meeting to watch, she couldn’t speak because of the breathing tube. When I went to say goodbye before they unplugged her we had a moment where I could tell what she was trying to say and I told her that yes, I would stay clean, and I think I feel extra guilty about relapsing after that. My mom was the best thing about my childhood. She meant a lot to me and to date is the most loving human being that I’ve ever known. I miss her a lot.
I want to get to a point in my recovery where I’m not riding these waves of emptiness and struggling to cut myself off from everyone. Im working on step 6 now and I think I am worried that I don’t like the person I’m becoming even though it is a person of exponentially more integrity I just feel… boring lately. I don’t know how to shake it. I just want to be happy, happy and grateful for the much better life I’ve built for myself in recovery but I sometimes I just feel like I can’t help myself from finding apathy when I feel like there shouldn’t be.
Sorry for your loss, hugs.
I feel you. Even though I’m doing better and feeling happier with myself, I still can’t shake the loneliness. I don’t have much of a social life between school and work and it’s been draining lately. Usually I’m asleep right now, can’t quite get there. I am looking for non religious meetings to attend, having a hard time finding one that fits my schedule, maybe that could help not feeling so alone with this.
The best thing you’ve done is reach out and recognize what you’re going through. I feel like I should do more of that. I tend to be rather stoic, something I’m trying to improve. Super high five on the one year of sobriety. I hope to be there someday too.
No advice here just congratulations on reaching a year again, I also relapsed after 18 months and had to drag myself back it’s a lesson well learnt don’t you think. One day at a time.
Someone else had a similar post so I have my reply. Well done on getting back to one year
I know for me around this time after the first year mark had passed it was a bit like “what now”
The dust was starting to settle and I felt a bit bored and lonely, getting to a meeting was a good idea as at least there are people there that are all trying to live sober but I also had to start expanding my life. I started volunteer dog walking as I love animals, I joined a few social groups and go out hiking etc. I needed to have more purpose to life that just staying sober.
I also realised I’m an introvert and use alcohol to be an extrovert, took a while to get my head around the fact that socialising drains me and I actually like the quieter lifestyle.
I get this. My first go at really trying to quit forever ended after about 3 months. Then I had to travel back to where I grew up, to say goodbye to my ailing mother. She was on a ventilator, and it was my decision to take her off. Let’s say I didn’t handle it well.
I relapsed for a year. I used my grief as an excuse to drink, and my drinking almost ruined everything good in my life.
Then I quit again, forever. When I hit 6 months, my wife started to believe in our future again. When I hit a year, it felt great.
You might not feel the same this time, because you’ve done a year before. Like climbing the same mountain a second time, or maybe you feel like you just retook a bunch of lost ground
But getting clean and sober after a relapse is never an easy thing. Getting back to a year is a huge accomplishment.
You are still learning to ride the waves of life, sober. The ups and downs happen to us all. I’m coming up on 6 years sober. I don’t track days anymore, but I used to know my sober time down to the day. Now, sober is just part of who I am. It’s no longer “I’m trying to stay sober”. Now, it’s “I’m a non-drinker”.
Stay clean and sober. Feel your feelings. Ride the ups and downs. Live, heal, grow.
Stay active here. Here, everyone understands and you are never alone.
