The second year was my hardest year. It was the year I stood face to face with myself, no mask, no distractions, no bullshit. The second year was the hardest year but it was the year that I found my voice, and I found an inner stregth I didnt know I had. I had been masking emotional, mental and physical pain for my whole life and there I was experiencing it all clean. My first year of recovery,I worked so hard, just to get through it, I didnt really ālookā at much.
I tell the story of how it felt as if I was a toddler who had the most beautiful ice cream cone and I was so focused on it and enjoying it, then suddenly a car honked and i looked up. There i was standing all alone in the middle of a busy interstate with icecream dripping down my hand. I felt scared, alone, and I had to make some quick choices so that I didnt get hit by a car. Some of the choices I made in year two were I really commited to NA, I self refered to a chronic pain clinic, I self refered to addictions and mental health. Those were the supports I needed to get through that year clean, and I have added supports as I have gone on. I finished a set of steps half way through year 2 and it was the best part of my year, I learned so much about myself during those steps.
What you are feeling is very normal, maybe not everyone experiences it in year two but alot of us do. So that makes me want to say to you that āyoure exactly where you need to beā. Try not to get in your head about it, dont over think life. Instead spend that energy on thinking about how you can support yourself when you get to the moments that you will be looking at those difficult things. We work our programs one day at a time for many reasons and one of them is so that everyday we can give that particular day our all. So what can you do today to make yourself feel safe and supported?
Sending lots of love your way. 
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to paraphrase what @Dazercat sometimes says to youā¦Iām not crying, you are 
Thank you for your beautiful words, Stella.
Iām seriously feeling like a teenager all over again.
The way my body and brain are functioning now is changing.
Iām trying to figure out what is ānormalā and what needs adjustment in relationshipsā¦what is good and what is not? what is toxic? what is a healthy way to communicate with my partner? what is ok for him to do and what is not?
Iām trying to figure out what comes next in life. This has to do with my family situation, a potential move to another country and the effect on my work and kidsā schooling and lives. What do we want? what do I want?
It feels like too much at times. But yes, taking each day at a time not only to not drink, but also to make assessments and decisions in life makes it more manageable
And here was I thinking that year 1 was the tough one and I was into smooth sailing from now onā¦
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I remember vividly googling āsobriety and change in relationship with your partnerā at just about day 25 
The first month felt like a tremendous impact on my relationship with my husband. He was supportive, yes, but he was not too happy that my sobriety was making me put myself first for once. I adjusted my routine to something that was necessary to make my sobriety work this time around. If he needed to pick up some slack, so be it. It was not a lot, but it was an abrupt change over the past 15 years. I felt guilty. And then I let go of the guilt. At that point, I had to come first.
I also let go of trying to figure out what the relationship would look like without alcohol. It was urgent to take care of my own at that time. Everything else had to wait.
Now that a year has passed, this is coming up again in my thoughtsā¦I think I need to use the same patience as I did then. Relationships donāt change overnight. I want this whole thing to make us work better together, be stronger together. Itās scary - what if he doesnāt think the same way? Same with friendships. But nothing worthwhile has ever been easy, right @Mno ?
Iām going to look into the meetings. I really recommend the book I mentioned before āWe are the luckiestā, @Gen . And āThis Naked Mindā. I listen to the audiobooks on my commute to work, so there is no excuse āI have no timeā Very good food for thought, and I think that in the early months it helps to have some books that challenge the message that popular culture has about drinking (spoiler alert: it really does not add any value to anything).
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