Im going to try and include everything ive gone thru and am still dealing with. Things have definitely gotten better as time has gone by but, feel like i lost a lot if great people and also lost alot of abusers as well. Before i was finally diagnosed with PTSD and depression due to events in my life, i did what i swore id never do…sniffed coke. Within a year, the two woman, the strongest ones i knew ever, even after 15 years later, they were amazing. Im sad u never saw it when i was younger but, as i get older, i miss the advice, the attitudes and petty little fights. Now, i am constantly lecturing people, even my husband, treat you parents with kindness and love because, when you dont have them, the adaptation is hard, living without them. And the pain of losing them, never goes away, it just goes in the back of your mind. I dont want to sound like im making an excuse for my going out and doing drugs. I made choices but, i have always just gone with the flow. Im a follower not a leader…when i was younger. After addiction started and making bad choices, i had to start over, meaning having no belongings, about 4 times. Again, i made those mistakes. Was i enabled, yes. Did i enable, yes, so i would be alone in the things i was doing. The coke, was my thing. I was always careful not to do too much. I was an emt so, i knew about the heart and when it cant handle any more. But then i was trying all sorts of street drugs, partying at the bar. My family, what was left, didnt care to help. Daughters father and his parents didnt pay attention to me, spiraling down. Eventualy i became adducted to kinks online. Went and met strangers to hurt me since i couldn’t self harm, i let dominate men abuse me and id let them do anything because, i felt i deserved it in life. After just 6 months of heroin…stealing from friends and my job. Fucking up when my Daughter at age 6 depended on me. I dromlve myself to detox to get off heroin. It was successful for like 5 years. I got married to a great guy eho has never did anything illegal in his life. I was doing good, confused about what i wanted to do, i chose to live with an old friend and, it was the right chose but, i was still, scared, unsure, self consciousness. I would lie to him at first. He was really into me but, i held back but, he stood true and was patient. I was happy just smoking Marijuana and drinking here and there. I came upon a job, that was just too good to be true. Taking care of an older guy with a TBI. He happened t i be an OG crack dealer and, again, my chose, i was doing things for crack. Really bad into it. Met a guy, Lance. He was my soulmate. Everyone around me knew Lance had cancer, but he never told me. I binged when i found out and locked myself at the crack dealers house for a few days. Upset and self medicating. Lance threatened to break the door down and pull me out by my hair and eventually, i slowed up. Had to leave the health aid job but, needed to get grounded. So yeah, i was having an affair with Lance behind my husbands back. Dave, my husband, found out and i didnt deny it and Lance and I started living with his mom and Lance was working. We would only smoke crack once a week and smoke weed. I was regulated and doing good. Dave had changed his number, threw all my shit out and refused to ever talk to me again. Fair enough. Months pass. Lance and i were so inlove. I could care less about anything. I loved lance. But, remember, he had cancer, in the stomach and, i guess just didnt wanna go thru treatment. Everyone seemed to respect that. One night, we happenee to find some pills. I guess high pain pills or something. We took some and passed out. When i came too, lance was on the floor unresponsive. I paniced. Ran to his moms apartment to call 911 and was so upset that i couldnt talk to his mom. I took the pills too so, im not in the right state of mind. Cops, ambulance, everyone came. Cops yelling at me. I collapsed when they said “coroner” that means Lance is dead. I fell backwards and fell 6 feet off the porch onto a rock. Breaking my back but yelling how i wanted to kill myself. I actually went around the room before first responders arrived and took all the rest of the pills left around the room. They ended admitting me to a psych ward for a week. Finally releasing me to my dad, who wasnt the greatest person to run too, but he was the onlu one that answered. Couldnt sleep there at his house, so slept on a friend’s porch. Stayed there, feeling like a burdon to him and his wife, i decide to run away to some Mexican’s house with his friends who were very mean to me. I found someone who smoked crack there. Started tricking for money until i couldnt do it anymore and, same friend that helped me out, came and got me and i stayed in the shelter overnight. That morning, after my friend’s wife talked to my husband Dave, Dave and i met in the morning for breakfast and we talked. We moved into another trailer and started trying harder and communicate and trust. I forget to say, eventually, after the 6 months of sniffing heroin, and after detox, i tried an out patient rehab program. It took them 2 month to get me in with a mental doctor and meds. Well, ended up getting kicked out because i was smoking weed. Whatever. So, as time passed with my husband, i started telling him a lot. Teaching him about addiction, depression, and anxiety. I even pointed to him that, his videi games (he gets very serious and agitated when interrupted) and also food. He has done a few counseling sessions with me but refuses to let his guard down and talk about his feeling and refuses to say he has anxiety or anger, or depression. Growing up, when my family was together and things were great…i said id never take mental meds. Now, im sorry, could be all im my head, they help. So. Enough avout anxiety and back to addiction. Once an addict, always an addict. I love smoking weed. And that what i started experimenting with. Hearing people say its a gateway, i would laugh. But, im sad to say, it is. I was happy smoking my joints when friends were doing lines of blow. Then, my world changed, i felt alone and not on meds yet, at our common bar, my BF told me, “dont let me buy drugs tonight”. I was so depressed and not understanding what depression and anxiety or ptsd felt like. Daughters father and family acted like i was peachy and strong. Even though i lost the two people who raised me…helped with my sister and her kids…physically and financially, and i got fucked. Daughters father treated me like i had to get over it. Oh yeah, and the day after my mom died, Doctor i workd for, fired me. My life, that was going to great. Had a miracle baby but now, no family. No mom, no grams. I got fucked. My older sister eventualy stopped talking to me because they house didnt sell for a lot, and by the time it was pulled out of foreclosure and all the debta were paid, there was money. And the lawyer and i tried involving her, but, and not judging, she was having issues with addiction too. I tried reaching out to her after i detoxed from heroin, but i was ignored. Even send a Christmas card every year. The thought that counts. Few years go by, hanging with people that used, manipulated, and who were just bad people because of the drugs, and also their upbringing where they got everything they wanted. But, i tend to collect people who i think i can help. SMH Im too nice but, Growing a back bone. Lol. So kick out the snob who lies and steals and doesnt look at herself as a problem, everyone else has the problem. Dave kicked her out because she ended almost killing his dog. End of that. In moves Victoria. Dave and i know her from high school. Her and I, after both of us had rounds with heroin, now focused on crack coccaine. We would steal daves car, or Dave would run us out to get something. This was about the time i started really opening up to Dave. We had been married 3 years but, im heavy into crack. V and I would get some and well, when it was over, we would be upset and pissed but, it was what it was. Id trick sometimes for it but, realized it wasnt worth it. Sittimg home, we made friends in the park. They smoked crack too! Awesome…friends and they would buy and supply. Hooray! Then this jerk face sleeze bag who is known around here, shows up. Now people are whispering and selling other shit. Im.uncomfortable. becauae now, around this time, they are cutting fetanoyl into crack and heroin. Crack was ok…but one stupid morning, after being off the dope for 3 or 4 years, Victoria wakes me up with a half bag of “scooby Snack”(heroin) a small line, im ok with. Then V and I go and smoke a cigarette and drunk coffee. She ends up falling to the floor and i have never seen someone overdose. I call people that i think she got shit from and yelling for my husband
Doing CPR. I found out that the scumbag gave her 2 bags so she already had a whole bag to herself…and the half she did with me, made her OD. By the time the cops and medics get here, she was gone. Another time, hearing coroner…i broke down. Luckily i had my husband here. But, i was right there and watched. I am still a little angry at her for doing that one bag by herself and not telling me. And her reason, like my reason, heroin was there. I ended up doing a bag of heroin a month later after she ODed. Same thing…my friend was there, person who supplied it, thre me on the floor and started CPR. Went to the hospital, couldnt move. He broke my sternum and 6 ribs. But im alive. I was in a lot of pain, and thru all that, my husband found a lot out that i had been lying about and, as i was healing physically, all my bad choices came out. I hurt the one person who has never yelled at me, trusted me after i used him, loved me unconditionally and always stood, and stands, to this day, by my side. I still use crack coccaine sometimes but at least i control it now, it doesn’t control me. I would love to quit but it makes me happier and have less anxiety. Thru my problems, good and bad moments, im in a better place. I have tried to find people to go with me to a meeting…im even ashamed to talk to my counselor about me still using. I hope, once i start work and move before fall…things will be easier.
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Welcome to the forum! Thank you for opening up and sharing a bit of ur story. Im sorry for the loss of those close to u. Thats never easy 
Being in active addiction is a verrry chaotic lifestyle (as u probably know). My DOC was the same as urs and in order to fully recover and get clean and sober, i had to stop seeing the “benefits” of the drugs i was using. Any sort of “benefits” I thought I was getting from the drugs, was all a lie. They serve no good purpose in my life. Yes, i used to think they were like a best friend. Yes, i thought that they were helping me cope with my past life. But it was all a lie.
You say drugs make u happier and give u less anxiety, but look what drugs have also done to ur life and the lives of those around u. There are other ways to find happiness and reduce anxiety 
In fact I am genuinely happier being clean and sober and have soooo much less anxiety without the drugs in my life. Theres a peace in my life that I never ever thought I could obtain. I truly do believe that if u give recovery a good chance, u can experience that too
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