Part 3 - The Idol…
I was back Public Safety is my calling I believe, the pay not so great, job satisfaction 10000%, my addiction still lurked it’s ugly head, I still drank heavy but I didn’t use drugs, hey alcohol is legal right? I kept a strong bond with my kids, and provided them with everything they needed, even bought them shit they didn’t need but wanted. I saw no problems with this, I wanted them to go farther do better and have the life I did not. But I felt alone, I joined a local fire department as a volunteer because my certifications were very valuable to them, but I also had another reason, they had a member only bar, booze was cheap, and there was no legal last call, I spent many of nights there drinking myself to oblivion, I was back in my home town
One of the downsides of being at home base was everyone knew me, and my family. I look nothing like either of my parents and was told how I look exactly like my Uncle, many of the people of my parents generation brought it up all the time, they said he was the King heartbreaker of the area, the blondish hair and blue eyes, the stature we are exact images, my father resented him, and likewise the comparisons began to resent me. My uncle had passed years prior from his own demons, alcoholism and a heroin addiction that led to him contracting HIV and Hepatitis, within a few short years Full blown AIDS killed him at 36, I was constantly reminded of this and how I was gonna end up just like him. It caused yet a further divide with me and the family I was yearning for acceptance from
Naturally hearing of this, I further crusaded the womanizing idea, for relationships weren’t for me, women who were the object of my affection and likewise were to be consumed and left behind, I was clear with my intentions I never wanted to lead anyone on, I been there manipulated and misused I did not want to be the one doing the same. This behavior continued for months, drinking and sexual compulsion drove my existence.
After a few months, a young nurse came my way, she was different, we always flirted on and off, she was an outcast like me, bright vibrant hair, tattoos galore, and experienced a life of hurt, she became a mom as a teen, to an much older man who rejected her, an addict in recovery and trying to find her place in life while dealing with her own demons, she really liked me, said I was her own Tommy Lee, the hopeless romantic type, but alas there’s always more than meets the eye
We went on a semi date and talked about our lives our goals, she was ecstatic with the fact I could understand her medical terminology and that I was starting school to finish my associates in EMS for job advancement, I didn’t see her as my next “trophy” I saw more in her, for my life had been empty while I could easily score a new woman each night, it was empty I really wanted more but I didn’t know how, the next day I called her I bought her a beautiful bouquet of flowers, and wanted to hand deliver it to her, I did she was so nervous but happy she dropped the vase, a story she will never live down, but it wasn’t again a fairy tale ending, she admitted she really liked me, but was so afraid to make a move and provided a million reasons why, I saw it as excuses, I left disappointed but hopeful. We talked on and off for about a month, in the meantime I went back to my old ways, in hopes of making her jealous, it worked but it didn’t, I really didn’t know what to do other than drink my nights away it was numbing and easy to do I could do it anytime anywhere and not have to worry, it was comforting, reliable and familiar.
I started school, still kinda talking to the young nurse, tried to make time to see her she would sometimes agree and sometimes not, I was met by yet another woman, who I worked with, likewise she found me attractive and messaged me one night about coming to work overtime as her partner, but with a twist she wanted a hookup, nuff said, this started going on for a while, I wanted to use it as a tool, to make the young nurse jealous, and feel like she missed out, I wasn’t interested in my coworker, it was strictly physical, but I saw it as a tool, and it worked but didn’t, she did get jealous but also hurt, my desire for instant gratification getting in the way of things like always, she stopped messaging me for a while, this work fling went on for a while till we got caught, I thought I was getting fired, but my boss said “your not the first to do this, I am sure children have been conceived on the clock” “your an asset to your community, don’t let your poor judgement ruin that” the fling ended, and so did our friendship, sex between friends can cause rifts trust me I know.
I went back to the usual, there’s plenty out there and I’m gonna get all of it, more booze, more women, more money, I’m gonna get it all, but the young nurse reached out again, wanted to see me, I was working but offered lunch the next day her choice of location, she said she had her daughter I told her to bring her with, we went and we talked, she admitted she was scared and unsure of me, she had great interest, but was afraid of making hasty decisions, we setup for a date that next weekend at a bar, I was asked my my kids mom what I was doing the following weekend she was getting a group together and wanted me to drive, I told her I had plans. That didn’t go well
I rushed from work to pick up the young lady, we went to the bar, and sat and talked, she was so excited about me, and then the phone rang texts galore, for it was my kids mom trying to get me to leave and come to her drinking spot, I ignored it, and my date had enough she picked up the phone and told her how it was, it didn’t bode well,
The next day we decided to make it an official relationship she wanted exactly what I wanted a family, was super accepting of my kids, of the little she knew of my past, and felt we had a great future together, finally I’m winning, but I still had this problem, I was a habitual drunk, she didn’t know that, but I felt I could hide it well. We didn’t live together, and I still had classes 3 days a week, it was easy to hide.
Dark Days ahead.
About 3 months into our relationship her father passed away suddenly, and young he was only 46, she was devastated me being me, I had to be by her side, the second I heard the news I rushed to her home, I sat with her as she cried, I vowed to not leave her side, and I didn’t, I helped her through the whole situation, after spending two weeks with her she asked me if I would move in, she felt alone and didn’t want to, I agreed I wasn’t comfortable, but didn’t want to let her down. I informed my kids mom of this and it caused a pure hell, immediately her first punishment was me not to see my children, then a child support order that was to financially cripple me, I was angry at her, upset with the idea and frustrated, I began to drink more, hiding it from my girlfriend by drinking away from home and passing out long before she got in, it seemed to work. I had to pick up a 2nd job to cover my costs, and my school work began to suffer, a classmate in my main class had a huge crush on me much to my ignorance, and treated me like shit when I started dating someone else, among struggling with my own demons, I was feeling the tension in class, unable to manage my time i withdrew from college.
That summer was on and off with alcohol, I worked hard to hold together our household, i still worked on music but not as much, I wasn’t making any money doing it, so I simply let it go to the wayside, I decided that the next semester I was going back to school except j was transferring to another location, I did, started taking classes again and met a new group of people, for sure I was getting it right this time, i cut out the booze, for about 6 months, I was too busy to drink, I had a mission and I was gonna complete it.
Me and my young girlfriend started fighting a lot, not bad but just tiffs over dumb stuff, I figured it was the age gap, she was 22 I was 30. Some growing pains were expected, but we still found ways to make it work. While in school I was located by a friend from the local music scene, he needed a strong guitar player, had original music, plus covers he wanted to do. Immediately I jumped on it, the idea of profiting from my talents was a goal, and to write and record for a label, it was rock and roll all over again, I told my girlfriend of the news she was likewise excited, but the life of “a musician” took over, I would sit up nightly playing and practicing, writing different musical concepts, working on solos, I started the booze again, it was hand in hand, guitar in one hand a bottle in the other. All my hero’s did it, there must be a connection, a classmate also a musician on the punk scene asked me to do some work for him as well, he had a few originals written and wanted me to help, I did bass and guitars on three of them, he did drums and vocals, it was me getting my dream set.
I started spending all my money on booze, and music stuff, if I was going back In the scene I needed gear, I didn’t pay bills for months, I just spent it all on my aspirations, I didn’t do housework like usual, this was taking a toll on my young lady, but her biggest upset was my heavy drinking. She didn’t know how to address it, so she left me a handwritten letter, explaining her desires and happiness but my drinking was too much, it made her feel that she was going to go down the same road and she had to much to lose, fearful of losing me, she was hoping I could refocus, at first I was angry, I really wanted to just flip out and tell her how she didn’t understand, but she did, I let it soak in, I waited for her to come home and gave her a hug apologized and promised of change, I put down the bottle and started to unwind all the things I fucked up.
A few months go by, and my friend Adam who I recorded the punk EP with, tells me how with enough XM radio AirPlay, he has a chance to do warped tour. He wanted me in, I wanted in, it was gonna pay decent, and it was my chance to showcase my skills nationwide, well we already planned a vacation I would have came back within 3 days of leaving for warped tour, I told my girlfriend, we were struggling financially as it was because. Of my decisions, she wasn’t too happy, she wanted to see me live my dreams but was completely honest, we were in no state for me to leave for the summer, we wouldn’t make it, and my new found sobriety was way too far in its infancy to handle such life. It was an argument but I succumbed as I believed I was doing the right thing I had to be an adult, I had to respect her wishes. She also wanted to start counseling, she wanted us to succeed but thought maybe we needed guidance, I agreed
We went on vacation so did my sobriety, I thought I could control it, I was wrong, I spent more on booze and drugs than it cost for the trip, I really outdid myself the more I drank and used the more I wanted, I started picking fights just to get away from her to party more, I’d come back to the room with her, wait till she fell asleep and snuck out for an all nighter, it was terrible to say I was a shitty boyfriend was an understatement, in my head I earned this, I am doing all the right things at home, i can let loose when I’m gone. I was wrong
Our vacation was to be a reconnecting state time for us to spend together and bond, the only thing I bonded with was drugs and alcohol and those who were supplying them. We came home worse than we left, now I had to make some serious life choices my work schedule and school prevented a lot of time as our schedules collided so much, I needed to make more money, I decided to go work in a dealership, better money, better hours more home time. It was the best decision I could make along with no booze or drugs I applied and was hired immediately, we started to reconnect, with the help of counseling but I still hid a lot of my past, she did one thing she was hopeful would benefit, but wasn’t a benefit at all, she reached out to my kids mom hoping to find answers she was part of my life for years maybe she had a solution,
That was the most dangerous thing she could have done, my kids mother is vindictive and manipulative, she befriended her and gained her trust, only to prey on her insecurities to make us fight more, a relationship already on life support was reaching it’s impending doom, we went through a huge fight and decided maybe we best live separate until we get it right I agreed and decided to move back with my parents while we worked it out.
I moved back home, reeling from the rejection, I decided I needed to change, I need to stay off the booze, I needed to be more responsible, I needed to be a better partner a better parent a human being in general, I went to visit her after work one day, she was still pissy about the whole situation like she felt she didn’t matter to me, she did she meant everything to me, yet I was surrounded by assholes, my parents never met her in the 2 years we were together, they never cared, my kids mom kept preying on her, my kids became a pawn in the game. She said it she was done, I refused to believe it, I believed some how I could change it, I could still fix this, and I tried for a few weeks no progress no avail, no amount of I’m sorry, flowers, gifts you name it could fix it.
Two weeks later she started seeing someone else, she said she didn’t want to at first but he made her feel important, he paid attention to her, treated her well, and was an adult, I assumed it was a rebound, but I had given up hope, I cut off my Facebook, I changed my number, if I was to be part of her life she can find me. I need to work on myself,
Being at home at 32 was no fun, I was depressed and lonely, but I vowed to hold on to not drinking, drugging or even smoking cigarettes, my father was no help he saw me trying to do this. I was succeeding his answer torture, he would purposely go out and buy beer to put in the fridge, make sure I saw it, made sure I was aware of cigarettes by leaving them on my windshield of my car, he would drink in front of me and made sure I could smell it on his breath, his answer was always the same, “Cmon now your Mr Sgt Major Army Special Ops guy!! You can handle this!!!” Truth was I couldn’t a few weeks of it I was back, drinking heavily, smoking and just not caring about life in general. I would hit the bars nightly, bring home more for the night time knock out. Being local also brought on some musical inspirations, I was at a bar one night and someone recognized me, said omg dude your a local legend, drinks are on me, you gotta play for us, it was great. It felt good, people in my hometown idolized me, to younger people I was a sort of urban legend a hero in of its own. I had crazy stories and played with ease, music came natural, and as a shy geeky kid who couldn’t make friends at one time I was admired and sought after by many, the great arena of pleasure was consuming my soul. By day I worked hung over and hanging on by a thread, by night I was a king of a million souls
My home life didn’t get better, while still aiming for acceptance from my family now at 32, I would do anything, I remodeled my parents house, did all the electrical work, fixed their cars at no cost, I didn’t want anything in return other than to be accepted, for I am who I am, and I am your child, I was met with resistance as well for my refusal to attend a church or follow the great catholic rule, my life was so shitty, and the reason why was because I didn’t attend church nor did I pray, people of my town thought of my father as this great man, and loved him, I told the truth of his inner workings he was no saint, no better than I. He was also a phony.
After a few months of playing the local joints I got another offer, I wanted to entertain it, but home matters were getting worse, and I did one thing unthinkable, my kids mom was hanging around, and made something very clear, she was happy to destroy the relationships I had, not only the one years ago, but my most recent one with the young nurse, she was in power, she was baby momma and no woman could step into my life or she would find a way to ruin it, I am never to have love I am never to be happy, she has to make sure I’m forever alone or kissing her ass to make a comeback, drunk, angry confused and pissed off, she even started to dial the young nurses number to harass her some more, i grabbed her by the throat and spit in her face, shoving her to the ground and said I will fucking kill you if you don’t stop, to this day I regret that moment, I respected women too much, to ever strike one, yet I just did. By the end of the night everyone knew what happened, my father the hypocrite immediately told me how I was wrong, I knew I was wrong, it was the worse thing I could ever do, when I reminded him of his abuse he simply told me to leave I left.
My job growing increasingly sick of me showing up late or drunk often both, was at its wits end, it was just after New Years and I struck another car in the parking lot, with a customers car, instead of drug testing me and setting up the insurance claim, they fired me. I found a replacement the very next day, I needed to change, and I thought a new atmosphere would do it.
The Hanged Man
I headed to this new job, and ran into an old friend who was telling me she lived local, wanted me to stop by for dinner one night meet her husband and her new baby, plus some other friends, I got there brought beer, and was introduced, she also mentioned the landlord was looking for some one to rent the next door house, cheap no lease I was all over it, one of our mutual friends was also going through a break up, and needed to move, I agreed she can move in, it was a huge place, and it worked
I started a new circle of friends with my roommates clan, one brought a tarot deck over and my obsession with tarot was great, she was also not very educated on them, I asked her to shuffle and let me see, it was mysteriously amazing for I had developed a understanding deeply into the cards, it was like my friend from years back gave me a gift only this was a curse.
I told my one uncle who is also estranged from the family, he said be careful what you wish for it may come true, he was into tarot and said the cards will use you and consume you, and leave you hanging I didn’t listen, people showed up for my ability to read them I explained things in great detail that I had not known, I thought I had a gift,
My friend who I shared a house with was very enabling, she would drive me anywhere and I was allowed to drink or use whatever my heart desired, she enjoyed my company, and was used to it, her ex husband an alcoholic was the same. This went on, life was on repeat, i started dating a active heroin addict and almost chased the dragon with her, I was on cruise control, my kids would visit, and hang out till I passed out, I would work, drink, passout repeat. It was my life to waste away but I was getting in trouble, financially struggling I let insurance and registration on my car lapse, I got caught and faced a 3 month license suspension, fuck.
In the meantime I started hanging out with a coworker who was younger younger, we had a lot in common regarding how we both loved adventures, tarot, engineering sciences, and cars. It turned romantic, I wasn’t expecting it to be anything more than a short lived summer fling, I told my roommate who reminded me of the dangers I did not listen in 3 months shell be gone, I confirmed my license suspension and was honest with my job about it they offered a work around and then confronted me about my relationship with my coworker, not only were they concerned with it affecting my job, but the age gap was pretty big, she later lost her house and ended up on my doorstep I felt no choice but to let her stay,
I got fired from my job the next day, she did too, one big sweep, now she’s living in my house I got no job, I got no license, and a nasty drinking habit, what was my answer party party some more, my roommate was a manager at a local place that paid great and got both of us in, I took the job hated it, after a month I quit, I had made enough money to hold me over till I got my license back, I went back to old behaviors, working on cars for extra cash, drinking every dime of it away, it was getting out of control, my roommate had to run to her ex husbands house, my girlfriend at work, I went with her her husband said the magic words let’s go for a beer! Sure, multiple beers and shots later my girlfriend is asking where I am I tell her, she wasn’t upset till we talked on the phone she realized how drunk I was, she said I needed to come home, of course I played the age card, then we started arguing I let loose all my worries and sorrows and told her how unhappy my existence was but I had a goal something that I was needing to do, it’s been too long, it’s time to finally end my life, I wanted to come home and make a noose of my trusty guitar strings and end it, she showed up a crying mess, walked me to her car arguing the entire way the more she cried the more I argued, I laid in bed next to her as she cried herself to sleep, no remorse no reaction, the next day she insisted I promise her I never drink Again, I promised I was lying I knew I could hide it now, I just had to play my hand right.
I started a temp job to hold me over but it wasn’t long till the paycheck came, and so did another round of drinks, a lady from work wanted me to meet with her after but I declined I had to stay faithful, but coming home that morning drunk, was enough she told me she was done, I couldn’t keep the house up, I couldn’t keep my promise I was just not going to change, they packed me up and had me leave, I went to the lady’s house from work and partied for a week, no one could find me, I was ok with that I was trying to die a slow miserable death.
Do you see what I see, tell me you do…
My kids mother in the meantime dropped my kids off with my parents, for a stay while she went to work one night she never returned, hopeless lost and essentially homeless, I went there, my father said no way your not staying here, my mother finally stood up to him and said his kids are here, they need him we need him, he succumbed but resented me even more.
I got back into wrenching at another shop, I provided for my kids, I drank even more and drugs came back into my life with fuzzy love, I went back to my music and work, sprinkling daily family time in, my mom always vowed to watch my kids when I was out playing, I took advantage of it, if I was going to party, if I was going to hookup, or if I was doing a show, I took a guitar with me, she. Thought I was doing a show as a guest or whatever I was doing my thing.
It was becoming increasingly apparent that my kids were staying with me, so I needed to shape up a bit, and of all people the young nurse from years ago, resurfaced, she needed to talk and knew I would listen, I gave her the attention she deserved, she needed advice and I gave it to her, months later she wants to see me, she admits she was wrong and hoped we would. Reconnect, I was too jaded to trust her yet again, but I entertained it, I explained what happened and apparently my kids mother got married in the meantime she encouraged me to set things right, I took a better job, I started focusing on better things we went to warped tour that summer, she instantly wished I would have went when I had the chance, this time I felt in power and I abused it, I dragged it out for fear of failure yet again, I also didn’t want to show how much drinking and drug use was going on in the background, for she had recently relapsed for almost a year, and I didn’t want to see her fail yet again, I made some new friends in the car scene and music scene, but I was still angry and it showed, at work I threw a wrench at a service advisor, they ordered anger management, after 3 sessions of it making me more angry I stopped attending, they fired me, the young nurse saw I didn’t change she bailed,
I got a job offer yet again, offered great amounts of money, and they wanted my understanding of old school tech, it’s not taught anymore and a lot of guys are retired who understand it, however this required relocation, I took to my parents my mom recently resigned from her job and it seemed doable, I had a friend in the area who offered a place to stay until I got settled and I made arrangements to avoid relocating my kids mid school year, we agreed I could have them every weekend and she would get them off to school everyday until the end of the year, it was working.
I moved down to the area, and got settled I kept my promise to my kids and family, every weekend, but during the week. It was tinder date time, it was easy to find new and different hookups, I didn’t want a commitment I given up. It was just easier to swipe fuck repeat. However I also learned a valuable lesson in how crazy some people really where. The meantime my father being the person he is, was not happy that I was making this plan, it was taking too long, he reached out to their mother and said I had abandoned my children, he also informed DFS of the same, basically he wanted his grand children out of his home at any costs. By the time I found out of the scheme it was already too late, DFS was having a meeting with them, and my kids mom to get them to go with her, I left work early and made it to the meeting only to be told too bad, I had no time to get into the house I was planning to get into, 2 months in it was already a busted deal, my mother forced to comply or else,…
I was hurt, broken and once again proven that trusting my family for anything especially something so dear and important to me, was a bad idea. It was then I accepted that I will never be the wanted son, I will never be accepted, im looked at as a failure to my family, and I’m to die a young and lonely death, only for them to deny collecting the remains
I so wish we could just outgrow our trauma and bad memories. I have some of the same memories you have. Thanks for sharing with us
then refused to read any more, a few weeks later she was let go from our job, she ghosted me and I never heard from her again I often think it was for the better, but I fell into another deep depression with the only warm embrace being a bottle and my drugs, a few months go by and I’m met by my ex once again drunken me decided great idea, we messed around enough for her to get pregnant and not tell me. Cut ties again, in the meantime my party had caught up to me I missed so much work time I was let go, the drug train gone away, the army reserve sick of me showing up wasted all the time dropped me to IRR, I was also going to experience the worst week of my life, to this point, opiates withdrawal, it was painful miserable and unbearable I thought I was gonna die, but I really wanted to die, it was easier than dealing with it, I knew the option of heroin was available but having an uncle die from the dope game and HIV I chose to avoid it,
cool. After about a month of talking back and forth she asked if I wanted to attend her friends birthday party, I said sure!! We planned it out and I got stuck at work late finishing a job, I texted her right away she said no biggie, just come to my place get showered and changed we can go from here!! Perfect!!