As to not derail the “you are missed #2” any more, I think it’s best to resume the debate in a separate thread.
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I thought it was designated for sharing tough love and not debating it, could be mistaken though
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That’s true, but I thought the mods prefered to not derail topics through debates, could be mistaken though.
@SassyRocks @CaptAZ @Eke what is your opinion on this, debate on a new thread or the truth and tough love?
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Yeah there’s absolutely no way in hell the “Tough Love” thread could survive here now, Derek. I tried to use this forum again thinking that that “era” of people were still around but I was mistaken. Just a bunch of ‘know-it-alls’ who want to blow smoke up eachothers arses and are too afraid of having the down and dirty conversations that actually get people sober. All this “mmmhmm you got it girl!” and “WELCOME, YOU GOT THIS! ALL THAT MATTERS IS YOU’RE HERE NOW!”… No. This isn’t what gets people sober and every single thread is littered and riddled with it and it makes me want to fucking puke. So no thankyou.
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I completely understand what you mean. I fucking love tough love, I love sharing what I learned in rehab. I love confronting people on their bullshit. I think there isn’t enough tough love on the forum and that many people aren’t open to tough love in early recovery as they usually aren’t quite convinced they’re an addict. Therefore I think that in the beginning, being welcoming is important and make sure people feel comfortable and come back is part of that in my opinion. That’s why I think being positive and supportive is of great importance, for newcomers. I also notice that a decent part of people who beg for help are ignored. I hate to see it when those people don’t get help. There are around 175 active members. Surely a minimum of 10 replies per people who are truly in need of help is possible. I know I barely contribute because of my obsession/addiction towards TS if I start helping people, but I know that many of those 175 people don’t have a screen addiction like me, so 10 should honestly be an easy goal imo. And I see that there’s a lack of tough love after relapses. I know I could really use some when I’m being a fucking idiot, which is quite often. Setting myself up for relapses.
For the record, I’m not blaming anyone. I know that unwillingly contribute to this as well.
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I think you can block people if that makes you feel better, Ive never tried it but I might. I agree that we need tough love sometimes thats what got me to finally stop drinking. My friend (not on TS) was annoyed with my excuses and told me off one day and that snapped me out of it. Sometimes Id like to tell people how it is but dont want to be the reason they relapse. But yeah, I get what you’re saying!!
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just a thought on tough love, i like it i need it and i use it however the word Love is still in there otherwise imo the message falls on alot of deaf ears
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As an alcoholic, I could find and use anything as an excuse to drink. Once I got serious, nothing would…to this point, would make me drink. So, if you said something, and someone relapsed…more than likely, they were headed that way. It’s like the great debate…“relapse is part of recovery”. The biggest thing I hear is that it gives someone the excuse to drink. If that is the phrase that makes them drink, then odds are they were already looking for a reason.
One thing that AA, at least the groups I go to, have taught me: the most effective thing to do is tell your story. This hopefully opens a dialogue, and with in thay dialogue you can discern what the person needs to hear and be receptive to.
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I wonder if the tone on TS has changed that much, as I know there is a group of us that all joined around the same time (relatively), that have stayed sober. I wonder if that’s coincidence or if there was something more. It could very well be the combination of support everyone was getting that led to longer sobriety.
Personally, the connections I made on here in early sobriety are most likely what kept me going. But I had also hit rock bottom (for me). So acceptance that i could no longer drink was a big factor with committing to sobriety.
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I know when i started alot of people from AA were here and no matter the AA OR no AA… The experiences and knowlege they shared helpped me alot after the detox. There was a couple of hard asses on here at that time too that just told it as we saw it…
…we also got flagged quiet a bit. It was definitely a different time here and im grateful. @Englishd kept us entertained between burning boots, affairs and marraige. I do notice the tones alot softer now… i never learned shyt from a smack on the wrist. To each thier own though…
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I like the debate but maybe it should be on a separate thread
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Yes, I completely agree
One of the things we learn in Al Anon is the 3 C’s. When it comes to an Al Anon’s Alcoholic qualifier we learn that we can’t Control it, Cure it, or Cause it. So much of the insanity from the people around alcoholics comes from believing they have influence over those 3 C’s!
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Could do either way, but might as well be separate if we want to debate it again.
My two cents, there’s a way to bring forward difficult truth and honesty without disrespect. As it was suggested to me, by sharing where we’ve been rather than telling others where they’re at.
Not an art form I’ve mastered though.
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thanks! i was waiting for it to be moved, i think it’s a great topic that should be discussed further. thanks 
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Debating it again could always bring new insight, and could be very interesting for those who are new to the topic
Thanks for splitting the thread 
same here lol
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Just to clarify, it’s not really our preference. Keeping on topic is more general forum etiquette (hence why it’s in the rules), and it’s something people complain about when it happens too much, understandably.
Anyway, best leave it at that or I’m off to the derailment void 
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I don’t think you do, bud. Im not going to downplay your issue but some of us here have been homeless, living on benches, in cars, had high flying careers falter, family breakdowns, divorces, deaths, overdoses… I had a heroin, cocaine and alcohol addcition that nearly killed me - there are former lawyers, parents, carers… Marriages, relationships, careers, lives have been turned upside and ruined because of their addictions so with respect, at 18 years old with very little experience of the world and something you claim to be an addiction which the rest of us just call “being a teenager” you have no idea what idea those of us who have been through that are talking about. Sure you “love” tough love?
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I remember when I joined being really nervous about posting because I was worried that my problem with alcohol wouldn’t be considered serious enough… I think it was @Englishd who told me that it was a good thing that it didn’t get to that for me. I was really grateful to be reassured and welcomed into the recovery community.
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Its more likely to be because nobody was pussy footing around topics and being over congratulatory over someone’s 9 hrs of sobriety and the people at the time didn’t just stroke egos and didn’t give a shit about offending one another. Sometimes a little pain is a good thing. You and I had countless conversations about sobriety, good ones bad ones, hard ones, sad ones… But there’s no success in just focusing on the good shit and trying to ignore the bad shit. Sometimes I wish someone had said to me “You relapsed? God you fucking idiot” instead of " #odaat"
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