The turn towards hope (trigger: suicide)

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Last night I couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t slept well the past few nights, either; it’s just so hot and I die in a bed, even with a fan blowing on me.

I looked at porn. For some reason I reasoned that it would help me to sleep. Reset, move on, start over tomorrow. Whatever.

Around 2am after 4 hours of restlessness I just couldn’t take it anymore and I got on my bike. I have a hard rule about riding my motorcycle after dark so I was being a little reckless, but it was also a feeling of “I have to do this” and I couldn’t explain why.

I rode about 40 miles on a little back road between the woods and was listening to some music over my helmet headset. I got a sudden feeling that I needed to stop.

I pulled over at abot 245 and shut off the bike and just laid in the side of the road and stared up at the sky. It had been months since I’d really just stared into space. I traced the constellations I knew and invented new ones and imagined what it would be like to race between them at the speed of light, and to just leave behind everything that’s keeping me trapped here in this world.

Not a new thought, but this one was hopeful, and not dark and self-defeating. I knew God loved me, but I FELT it in that moment as strongly as ever. I knew that it wasn’t yet my time to dance among the stars.

I slowly stood and spun in a slow circle as I took in the world around me, the small homes nearby with their dim porch lights, the dark sky with those pricks of light - some bright, some not - and the silent pressure of the muggy air. I took a deep breath and shouted to the sky a challenge that I would finish the things I have to do here before I meet it. I jumped on the bike and raced home.

This reminder that I have hope for tomorrow was needed. I’m glad I couldn’t sleep last night so that I could have this experience. It’s been awhile since I really considered suicide and last night wasn’t really that… It was more of a stark exposition of the reality I’m leaving behind, and the bright times I have before me.

Maybe this is a turning point for me. I have been getting good therapy the past two weeks with a new counselor and trying to take better care of my body. This is the rope to pull me from the quicksand, the branch to catch me at the edge of the cliff, the hand to lift me from my grave, the flotsam to which I cling in my storm.

This is hope.

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Very deep and moving. Thank you for writing this.

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This sounds very positive for you. I’m glad you had this experience and it has given you hope :milky_way:

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Very moving! It brought me to tears. Happy tears for the future we all have before us. Thank you for sharing.

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A wonderful share, thank you.

I would encourage you to renew this experience for yourself on the regular. To seek out and create situations where you are present with yourself and nature/the universe/the elements like this. This experience of consciously being and feeling yourself in the vastness of the world NOW seems to have had a healing and motivating effect on you that many ppl feel, myself included. If you practice this access, as many do in meditation for example, you will benefit ever more from this source of connection.

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This is beautiful, and I am so so grateful you shared this experience. Thank you.

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Fantastic. Dang! You have an amazing ability to put into words what I simply can’t. I find myself consumed with seeking conscious contact with nature in the universe. That’s where the magic happens. Thank you, again, dear friend.

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thank you for your kind words. it’s inspiring to be able to connect via shares experiences and wishes. :sparkles: :boar:

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Magnificent.
Beautiful.
Healing.

I thought of the passage where Abraham is distraught and God tells him to look up. His hope returned.

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Follow up on advice incoming…

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So true - it is not your time and you have so much more to give / receive. I truly loved your post and am grateful that this experience brought you hope. It was a lovely eye opening connection with the universe and with one self.

this made me teary eyed with happy tears. thank you for your share and grateful that you are with us full of hope! :people_hugging:

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Today was another positive grounding experience.

I’ve always felt a really close connection to earth and nature. I have a little garden with a hydrangea. I cleaned it all out in May intending to plant more flowers, but didn’t get around to it, and the rains came. I have weeds at least 2m tall now, and it’s been bugging me, even though they’re green and pretty. My dog also doesn’t like the “rainforest”, as it’s been named.

I came home from church today and it was so nice out. I wanted to grab the kayak and go hang out on the lake. Then I remembered that the rainforest had grown too thick and restricted access to my kayak hanging on the fence.

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I decided to remove the physical, literal weeds from my life as I try to clean the figurative ones from my mind.

I wore no shoes and no gloves and reveled in the soft mud between my toes, the rough-and-smooth-at-the-same-time stalks of the giant weeds under my fingers, and the sun and breeze on my back.

It didn’t take long, and I didn’t get it all done perfectly. There remain a few shoots here and there and some roots I didn’t dig up, that will grow back in the next few weeks. But it’s a start.

When it was done, I loaded up the weeds on a tarp and dragged it about 300m over to the dumpster. It was heavy and it was so rewarding to do that hard work on my own. I’ve been going to the gym but this was different; it was more purposeful. It had meaning.

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I didn’t make it to the lake today but I did clear out my head and my garden. I think, in hindsight, that either route could have been as meaningful if I prepared myself for it. I’ve always loved how I feel on the water and the way it appeals to all the senses, just the same as the garden does.

One day at a time. (:

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Well done Nate - what a therapeutic experience - i love working in the garden and do enjoy being barefoot as well and feeling the soil in my toes - it brings me an abundance of joy.
I am grateful that you had a positive grounding experience today - Here is to many more to come :blush:

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