My friends had been asking me what I need and how they could help. But being new to sobriety I wasnt sure and clearly stated that to them. Today I had a clarification that I needed more sober supports and reached out to my 2 “best friends.” I was met with ultimatums, anomosity and people playing victim. It hurt me so badly. This is the time when good friends should shine. The realization that I have to let go of these girls is heart breaking. God has opened my eyes and is allowing me to see clearly. One breath at a time…
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So sorry. It’s awful. I’m back after months of chaos, but previously shared I’d faced grieving the living. You seem to have good insight tho.
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I know what you mean. I do appreciate the clarity in seeing the relationship and interaction for what it is but it is so sad that my relationship with my best friend has dramatically changed. Im 597 days sober and I have changed. When my bestie drinks she changes and I don’t like being around her. After some time and some deep self-reflection I have accepted it more and it’s less painful. It’s going to be a different kind of relationship. It won’t ever be the way it was because there isn’t mass alcohol anymore for me! I hope you feel better soon.
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Thanks for this.
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maybe a meeting might help will get plenty of sober friends there , maybe your friends will be more supportive as time goes bye wish you well
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I’m nervous about meetings…
I can id with you being nervous i too was . but i meet understanding people who also were nervous when they first went and for me i wouldnt be here today if i hadnt made that decision. if you dont like the meets then at least you tried there are other programs out there you can try,wish you well
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I have 2 bestie’s also. One i use to use with and now she drinks occasionally. The other drinks, has been there for me while in active addiction and in recovery. So has seen me at my worst. I’ve noticed that since I’ve taken the component of alcohol away, we arent as close. And I had to miss out on a lot in the beginning. But doesnt mean, we cant be friends still just because I’ve taken the alcohol away. They do have to respect you and your sobriety though, I cant stress that enough! As in not drinking around you or only having 2 with dinner, that type thing. Not taking it over board. And its taken me a good amount of time to get to that point even. Because early on, I couldnt be around alcohol, period! But I have 587 days now and have set boundaries in place.
I also wanted to point out, that my one best friend was there for me at my absolute worst and didnt like the things I did. But she accepted me for me and where I was at at the time. I cant change people, but I can change how I react to people. Have you tried putting boudaries in place between you and your friends? Have you tried talking to them and letting them know you are hurt rather than just throwing a friendship away. Sounds like your hurt by their responses, but can you blame them? We hurt a lot of people while out there drinking, so I’m sure theres been things you’ve done that they didnt like. But loved you enough to stick by your side. So I will say, think about this decision whole heartedly before coming to any rash decisions. And remember, theyve changed too. And it’s okay if there not going to take drunk you anymore. But it’s not ok to not respect your sobriety!
I have my outpatient group, this app and family right now as my sober support…
They gave me an ultimatum either them or my husband. While I was in rehab he was my #1 support and they didnt even ask how I was doing. When I got home they started messaging me in a group text and used “we” and “us” which hurt me because I have very different relationships with both of them. Friend #1 was horribly nasty and made the conversation all about her. When I drank I drank alone in my garage. I didnt go anywhere or tell anyone except my husband. There had been talks with my husband and them regarding my drinking but they thought he was overreacting, manipulating and controlling me. Which they still do hence the ultimatum. The hurt that they feel was that they didnt know the extent of my drinking. I was raw and honest with them about what I need now, sober support and putting my recovery then marriage first. Friend #1 said f* you since I chose my husband. Friend #2 came In the text at the end and didnt know what to say except, she would be here for calls and texts but if I had an issue with my husband she didnt want to hear it. I said I have never put restrictions on our friendship and have always been there for them both about anything. Friend #2 messaged me seperatly yesterday asking to meet for coffee. I didn’t respond yet. Today she texted “I understand if you don’t want to meet. I know things went down and that’s not what you needed. This is probably the harder time for you, more than rehab.” I want to talk to her but in the past everything I tell her she runs to friend #1. So the trust has been broken. I think I will meet her and just listen to what she has to say. This situation has broken my heart. But made me realize that recovery #1, husband #2 to make sure my family has a solid foundation moving forward in my recovery.
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You will only get the support you need (as opposed to the support you want, and yes, this is a distinction with a huge difference), from people who have “chewed the same dirt” as you are chewing now. I get mine here, and no where else. Some here also attend meetings. They benefit from that physical proximity.
I am blessed that I haven’t had to shed any friends. I attribute that to being extremely discriminating in my choice of friends throughout my life, and those I count as friends, have earned that rank. I understand how fortunate I am, in this respect.
The new, sober you will likely end up shedding a few more friends, but that’s OK. “Quantity has a quality all its own” doesn’t apply to relationships. The ones you keep are keepers. The ones you will gain, will be keepers too.
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