Silly question I know, but……does anyone else find that people who haven’t experienced addiction have no idea how much of a struggle recovery and sobriety is?
My partner, my rock, my superwoman has been with me through everything and tries to support me with advice and comments. Maybe it’s me being sensitive or grouchy (god only knows I’ve been a real grumpy f@cker at some point in the past 21.5 days) but when she says something to me I react differently to how I do here. Part of me thinks I’m more willing to accept advice, comment or criticism from strangers because there isn’t that relationship, part of me thinks it’s because I don’t want to hear it from her because I feel I disappoint her. Another part of me thinks it’s because she hasn’t walked the mile in my shoes so isn’t in a position to understand it and I see that as a little hypocritical, like someone with 20/20 vision telling a blind man how to see.
Sometimes I also think that because it’s her speaking to me I’m being a bit of a dick and don’t want to listen so I act more like a dick than usual!
Anyway, I’m not here to criticise her, she has pulled me back from the edge a million times before and would do a million time over again, I was just wondering if others struggle to hear the harsh reality from those who aren’t fighting this.
Does anyone have any ideas or tips on how I can help her understand or how I can approach things when they come up.
I’m getting better with time and the Grumpysaurus Rex in me is getting easier to control, I just don’t want to alienate the best thing to have ever happened to me!
On the plus side I was given a bottle of wine by my boss as a Christmas present, I didn’t drink it and it’s now being re-gifted so that’s a HUGE bonus.
Love, Prayers and hugs to you all ladies and gents!
I go to a lot of AA meetings and hear newcomers share about this quite often. It’s always suggested that their family members go to Al-anon. Maybe your wife could put aside an hour a week to attend a meeting online? Here’s a link that has meetings Sunday at 3pm, Wednesday at 9pm and Saturday at 5pm all EST (not sure what time zone you’re in). Camera and sharing is not required. She could simply just listen in.
Hey Richard! Oh yes I can relate to this lol it’s tricky lol cuz I do tend to accept advice and suggestions easier from those who have been there, then from those who haven’t. Family especially, you know they try to be supportive but sometimes I don’t think they know how. Being new to recovery I find myself being more “sensitive”, emotions are high, and I’m slightly more irritable too lol. I have to practice my “stop, pause, and respond” alot with those who don’t have our experiences… and remember to respond versus then react to what they say. Especially since we do have that connection with our family and there’s abit of a history there, there’s bound to be some underlying issues that can trigger a reaction. Certain phrases that “non-addicts” would say would drive me up the wall! Why can’t you just stop? Just say no? Etc etc… its like, you don’t know how the mind works and how much energy it takes to change our thinking! Lol anyway, you’re on the right path my friend. You are doing amazing! And as long as we don’t pick up, things will improve I feel hope ur day is awesome!
When I was getting sober I found that any mention of my drinking or its consequences or my attitudes was a threat to my pride. And what was required was the final snuffing out of my denial and minimizing.
I still have this problem with my spouse today, though to a fast lesser extent thanks to years of sobriety. I’m getting better, a little at a time and day by day. It’s not a smooth trajectory, believe that!
One more trap to watch for is to put a condition in sobriety that relies on someone else changing their behavior.
Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on (a higher power). Alcoholics Anonymous, page 98
Sometimes the best thing i can do is just listen and not be so quick to respond and go on the defensive. Appreciate the advise and comments she gives you dont take them as threats or condensing remarks that undermine your sobriety. Like they say the truth hurts an its tough to hear what the best thing for us might be at the moment. Just remember the best thing we can do is to remain sober.
Hi Richard! When I admitted to others that I had a drinking problem, I realized there are 3 type of people;
A) the “been there done it” type, that fully understands what you’re talking about, because they can empathize a 100%.
B) the open minded that haven’t been down your same road, but are willing to listen without prejudice
C) the good friends that just don’t want to accept what you’re saying, and look at you through pink glasses. “Go away, you’re not addicted”, “stop exaggerating, you’re just having a drink every once in a while”, “you’re crazy”
The best to talk to are the first ones, if you ask me.
You’re so lucky to have that rock in your life! I’m sure she’s doing the best she can, despite not having walked in your shoes, and you are doing the same!
I liked the grumpysaurus Rex part!
And good for you, you have that bottle away! Well done! I have given 4 away by now… my colleagues are filled with joy that I’ve quit drinking, they’re getting double poison this year…
Hello, thank you for the post. It is really interesting.
As I have understood it talks about how we different reaction we have with our relatives versus the one we have with strangers, and I totally agree.
In my case, I use to have less patience at home than out, not only in advises related with my sickness (at home is alcohol problems, outside is sickness) but also in the usual matters.
My strategy, and it is bit strange is try to deal with my relatives as if they were strangers. I know at home they love me, but, exactly because of that I tend to be ruder and less politely, given that it is said I am a quiet and polite person.
Literally, and when we deal with alcohol matters, I consider my partner opinion as if it was a prestigious external doctor I have paid for. And also I repeat to myself. “Be aware, she is not your matter, she is not going to forgive everything”. For me it works and keeps me calm and quiet and, of course, in a desirable and adequate silence.
Great topic. With the holidays, I have been put in family/friend situations where I am confronted with many questions/suggestions about my sobriety and how people feel they should act around me. Initially, I was very defensive and felt judged. I came to realize, for the most part my family and friends are just trying to be understanding and caring about my struggles with addiction. I try to respond to what typically is a positive statement with a positive response. I thank them for their suggestions and answer their questions (example, are you going to be ok if we drink around you) with appreciation for their concerns about me and my sobriety. Gratitude seems to go a long way for me and them.
It’s true that a person who has never experienced addiction cannot know what the experience of addiction is like, however, that doesn’t mean their advice is worthless or invalid.
I’ve never been sky diving, but I can tell you, if you don’t pull the rip cord in time, you’ll have a bad time.
My wife, whom is not an addict and doesn’t drink, once gave me this golden nugget of advice to help me kick my drinking problem, she said: “Just don’t drink”. Can you believe that? Just don’t drink. I retorted, “You don’t know what it’s like, I have no control, it’s hard… how dare you suggest I ‘Just don’t drink’!!!” But, in hindsight, she was right. It was so simple. I quit drinking because I just didn’t drink. Go figure.
The ones we love may not know what it’s like to be addicted. They may not know what we are feeling, or what we are going through, but at the end of the day, as long as they have our best interests at heart, it really doesn’t matter.
One thing I always have to remember is the feelings I have when someone who hasn’t been an addict or alcoholic tries to give me advice are feelings I have drowned with my drinking. Your not a dick or whatever, it’s just your body and mind healing itself, as time goes on and you keep talking about your addiction new tools will come up and new ways of thinking will happen. I felt the way you did when I first started. I was angry, frustrated, at times mad when anyone including people who are walking a similar path tried to tell me anything. I had a person one time tell me just keep an open mind and ask yourself why you are feeling the way you do. My counselor gave me a cool list called the fair fighting rules that to this day my wife and I adhere to and it has helped or relationship greatly. Just try and remember things get better just know you have feelings and are allowed to have those feelings.
Yeah, I had a friend like this. Keyword, had a friend like this
I told him to watch Requiem for a Dream to understand when I was really heavy into drugs because he couldn’t grasp how intense addiction is
He watched it, was blown away, realized that he had no idea how overwhelming it was, but then whenever i was around him and struggling, he would mock me/make fun of me…
Finding friends and others who genuinely want to help and support you is invaluable. Many people don’t understand unless they have been there themselves.
hope ur day is awesome!
Once in a while though they surprise me.