2 weeks sober today! First time admitting I’m an alcoholic, first time really taking a stab at living sober.
I can’t remember the last time I went this long, and if I did, it was for some other reason…dieting was usually the only reason actually. And even then I hated it. Resented the weight gain, resented that I had to take a break from my best friend and looking forward to the next time I could drink. It’s like my life became compartmentalized into drinking times (yes, finally!) And sad non-drinking times that I had to white knuckle through (when will this end?).
Life in recovery so far feels really good. Here are some things I don’t miss about drinking:
• memory loss
• waking up at 2-3am filled with self-loathing and regret
• feeling shaky
• restless nights/lack of sleep
• trying to figure out if my spouse is mad at me for something I did (but can’t remember) and trying to hedge around the topic so I don’t have to admit I completely blacked out
• on that note…blacking out
• sneaking off to drink
• lying about sneaking off to drink…“Oh, I’m just going to target and the dry cleaners, hon.”
• worrying about getting fired if someone saw me at the bar on my lunch
• crying/praying to God secretly that I’m going to die/I’m a bad person
*hangovers which were daily for me
*the asshole I can be when I’m hungover (daily)
*waking up every hour or so and chugging my trusty gallon of water next to my bed
*the guilt about endless things, hiding my hard alcohol intake. Didn’t hide the beer intake.
*brain not clicking on all cylinders at work, forgetting key functions I’ve done for years on the job
*getting invited to go out, saying I can’t because I’m too buzzed to drive, then being told “you don’t have to always drink until you’re shit faced ya lush…”
*turning down quality time with my family because I either drank until 3am or made the choice to stay home and get drunk rather than join them.
• driving drunk
• waking up and drinking to be able to fall back asleep
• losing many jobs because drinking was more important
•waking up in the e.r. not knowing what day it was
• not being able to swallow for 3 days while in detox because of damage to my throat
• missing out on events such as thanksgiving because I was laying in bed passing out waking up drinking and passing out again
• feeling so utterly ashamed of myself for not remembering what I did the night before
• horrible stomach issues wich I’m still going to the Dr for but are getting better
Looking back I wonder why I would ever want to drink again. Lol I hope I never will. Thanks for this post
All of the above - and on top of that being stupid enough to think I was pretty cool!
What an idiot.
Oh, and having optics on 2 of the desks at work, holding litre bottles of gin and vodka (Ad man, my Studio, we were all smashed while trying to be ‘creative’).
this post has helped me start my day today, thank you everyone.
I will not miss the shame feeling that blacking out causes the next day. Even though i am highly irritable right now this will pass and i know being conscious 100% of the time will add to the quality of life greatly.
i often would wake up after a night of working as an adult entertainer confused as to how i made the money that i had with me. and the shame returned.
fast forward to my new job, an exit to the industry, i will not miss blacking out on the way home and being unable to answer my husbands phone calls or account for multiple events.
i will not miss the lack of “time” available in a day to get errands done. though i am still very sleepy and struggle to wake up, i hope with time this will be imporove.
does anyone fin it difficult to deal with conflicting messages we are presented with daily? such as individuals laughing about their blackouts…or movies such as “the hangover” which are presented as fun but in reality are extremely messed up? i find that recovery is changing my tastes in music and humor…i hope this is a good thing. unchartered territory
Thanks for this post, I can relate to all the comments, one of my worst was not remembering what I had said to my hubby the night before, I would skirt around his questions like “what was wrong with you last night?” Or “so don’t you think you owe me an apology?” Because I had blacked out and had NO clue what I had said or done, also driving in the mornings with no idea if I was still over the limit I am so ashamed of that! When I think about it what is there to miss about drinking really?
Withdrawal
Being a very high functioning alcohlic
Wakinging up at 2am and having to drink more to get to sleep and avoid any withdrawal
Drinking in the morning
Blacking out every day
Not knowing what happened the day before, especially when it was work related
Being drunk at work. (I was the buyer and gm for a liquor store so there was an endless supply of booze)
Having my only thought be alcohol
Going on 3 week binges
Being an asshole
Believing i was an asshole
Manipulating people
Not eating. ( would mabye eat 5 “meals” a week)
I hate every single thing about alcohol and what it can do to people!!! I don’t miss a thing😎