I’m almost 30 days sober from opiates. And the last 4 weeks have been such a crapfest for me physically and emotionally. But the hardest part has been that I feel like a completely different person to who I was during the last 5 years of marriage. When I met my husband I was on Suboxone and have been the whole relationship. I honestly feel like I was just numb emotionally and existed through life. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is an amazing human being but I’m starting to realize we don’t have that much in common and Im worried I stayed because of the stability he had given me in my life when I needed it. Financially and because I was a single parent he gave me parenting stability. I know I am still in the beginning stages of sobriety but there is a certain amount of clarity that comes with it and I think I need to sit down and have a discussion with him about it. He has a habit of getting really worked up and defensive any time I bring up my feelings and that’s another reason I haven’t been able to have a discussion with him. Sorry just wanted to put down my feelings and see if it offered any more clarity. I hate feeling all these feelings but happiness is the goal and right now I can’t see myself happy in this relationship but like all things in sobriety I want to wait and see if this feeling is temporary.
Hold fire- don’t make any rash decisions.
You’re 30 days sober (which is an amazing achievement btw)
Give it time, once you’ve got some time under your belt then make the jump if needed.
I agree with @DarrenUK . Don’t make any rash decisions. If you’re willing, a journal might be useful to you, where you can document things that happen and how you feel about them and why you feel that way. You may find that your feelings change over the course of your sobriety journey, or they might stay the same and you will have gained more clarity on those issues which may help you if/when you talk to your husband about some of them. If you are able/willing, a psychologist you can talk to could be helpful or even going as a couple.
One thing I have learned over the years is that sometimes the way I phrase things can make a situation better or worse. I’ve learned to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements, which can greatly reduce the possibility of the other person responding defensively.
Some questions for you to consider and not necessarily to reply to me about: What things do you have in common with him? What are you looking for in a mate? What things do you need to have in common with someone for them to be the mate you want? Interests can often shift and change over time which is natural and can be worked with, but realizing you have completely different core values can be a deal breaker–taking some time to think about these and define these for yourself can also be useful (and would be perfect to write in a journal of some sort).
A lot can shift and change as we clean ourselves up. What might seem so crystal clear 30 days in could be something that we look back after 6 months or a year and we realize wasn’t clear at all. Great job making it 30 days and keep it up! You’re doing great.
I do use I statements. I learned that a very long time ago when dealing with my narcissist father and codependent mother. Yea thanks for the advice though. I was actually thinking about getting a journal for that very reason to help keep track of my feelings. I’ll wait it out and see what happens.