My actions are those of a man, a provider. Thats how I was raised and its not gonna change for my wants. I gave into my wants for a long period of time and it got me nowhere. “Want” doesn’t mean I’ll act upon it. Its my feelings, my addiction, my sickness. Everyone has them. We can be eating a salad and “want” pizza.
Like I said earlier. I’m very clear with what I need, at least one conversation a month. Its more than that to be honest. If anything, I’m the one guessing.
I’ve always lived with family. Its a cultural thing with us. I’d like to experience what its like to live alone, In peace. Nothing wrong with that. I still have a lot of work to do in our new home. Maybe I’ll move out alone before that.
As to fear, I only fear God…and spiders. I don’t fear situations or people. Im a God fearing man.
My anger has been there since before the addiction. And I know where it comes from. I’ve dealt with it for a very long time. Doesn’t mean it’s going away like magic.
Maybe I am taking these actions personally from my patients. 90% of my patients are from skid row and are complete assholes. They piss on a bottle and throw it at you for trying to help them. They sneak in drugs to sell to other patients. They attack us physically and verbally. 10 years of this, yeah I’m pretty tired of it. But I do have to patients who are kind and loving, the perfect patient. And im glad to say I treat them all the same. I use to feel good at work, happy even. But not anymore. That feeling has gone away. Your lucky still have that feeling.