Yes its anger. And its been there for a very long time. And I agree with you when you say I’m in the wrong profession. Im actually looking into changing already. I should probably look into being an officer that way I can project my anger correctly. And my partner doesnt need to read my mind because im always open. Except with my anger. Thats been in check for a while now. And the world owes me nothing. I’m no one in this dying world. Nothing but a spec of sand.
My birthday wish is mine to own and I can wish for whatever I please. Before it was drugs in bulk…so I think a bit of peace isn’t so bad, or is it? According to you is it. Calling me a hypocrite for being tired of being hit, spit on, kicked, and talked shit to 24/7 isn’t right. You know nothing of the stuff I have to deal with. I deal with the sickest of people…physically and mentally. Im just tired of it. What’s wrong with that?
It seems like you’re telling her two different things with your actions and your words;
1.) Your actions- actively remodeling a home to move into with your S.O.
This is telling your partner that you want to live with them and be closer to them.
2.) Your words- “I want to be alone.”
This is telling your partner that you don’t want to be closer to them.
Do you see how incongruent that is?
As for your anger, you can switch as many jobs as you’d like but that isn’t really the issue. Anger is a secondary emotion to fear, usually. If you are getting angry in social settings, in your relationships, then there is a wound there. I would suggest seeking a mental health counselor. If the wound is relational, then it’s going to take a healthy relationship built on trust to heal you.
As for your job, I think you’re taking the actions of your patients personally. I do work in social services myself, so I do know what it’s like to be screamed at on occasion. Hit and spit on? No, I don’t know what that’s like. But, I chose the job I did because it’s teaching me to have more grace with people going through a rough time. If you can’t or won’t do that, then it’s probably better that you’re seeking employment elsewhere.
My actions are those of a man, a provider. Thats how I was raised and its not gonna change for my wants. I gave into my wants for a long period of time and it got me nowhere. “Want” doesn’t mean I’ll act upon it. Its my feelings, my addiction, my sickness. Everyone has them. We can be eating a salad and “want” pizza.
Like I said earlier. I’m very clear with what I need, at least one conversation a month. Its more than that to be honest. If anything, I’m the one guessing.
I’ve always lived with family. Its a cultural thing with us. I’d like to experience what its like to live alone, In peace. Nothing wrong with that. I still have a lot of work to do in our new home. Maybe I’ll move out alone before that.
As to fear, I only fear God…and spiders. I don’t fear situations or people. Im a God fearing man.
My anger has been there since before the addiction. And I know where it comes from. I’ve dealt with it for a very long time. Doesn’t mean it’s going away like magic.
Maybe I am taking these actions personally from my patients. 90% of my patients are from skid row and are complete assholes. They piss on a bottle and throw it at you for trying to help them. They sneak in drugs to sell to other patients. They attack us physically and verbally. 10 years of this, yeah I’m pretty tired of it. But I do have to patients who are kind and loving, the perfect patient. And im glad to say I treat them all the same. I use to feel good at work, happy even. But not anymore. That feeling has gone away. Your lucky still have that feeling.
These folks who do things like piss in a bottle and throw it at you are very much powerless in their lives. Most of society looks down on them and treats them as the problem. They rely heavily on others to get their basic needs met. I would imagine this would be disempowering and humiliating for a lot of people. The only way that they can “take back” a little power is by throwing their urine at someone who is in a better position in life than them. I’m not trying to condone their actions, I’m just trying to think of the motivation behind such actions. It’s easy to demonize people who are hurting and who are angry at themselves and society. You might have something in common with them in that regard. That is probably why their actions are particularly painful for you.
A man can be anything outside of societal gender norms. If you want to provide for someone, that’s all well and good. But when you start sacrificing your own needs, that can breed resentment, which it seems is the basis of your initial post.
God is in all things and everything is God. All people are sparks of divinity. God is love and isn’t meant to be feared. I’ll leave you be. This will be my last response.
Goodluck, my friend.
Life is all about sacrifice.
In order to achieve, sacrifices have to be made.
Fear of god is good. I agree. God is love…
Alright. Goodbye