Im tired of how my life is going…I’m thinking of just letting things go and moving out…alone. I picture myself in a home…by myself without having someone always telling me how I should live my life…people in my life have become pushy and im sick of it. Every day…“do this, do that, you should do this, you NEED to do this” I dont need to do shit for anyone, regardless of who you are. I’ve found out that I dont sleep at night because thats the only time I get to myself. My anxiety and frustration comes out during that time because its literally the only time I get to be alone. 
I’ve tried explaining this to my partner but she seems to be taking it the wrong way. We’ve been remodeling a home to move into together but thats no longer what I want/need… I have no kids holding me here. I’m just about done with my job too…I’m tired of seeing all this sickness and dealing with patients who dont appreciate the help we try to give them. Im tIred of this sickness and disease. I actually got an award a few days ago for saving some kids life… I didnt even care. I look miserable in the picture they took. Fake smile… I didnt want to be there. The certificate is still in the backseat of my car…
I need to start over. By myself…
But I feel guilty for this… it’s causing a bit of depression because thats all I think about. Leaving…is that a bad thing? its 5am. Its my 2nd day of vacation and I just want to be alone. Im tired of the noise…the small talk… the pointless arguments and conversations…fuck it all… Its my birthday on Tuesday and I’ve asked to be left alone…thats all I really asked for and she’s upset about it. Making it about her, like always. So I rephrased it and said “ok, the gift I want this year is nothing. No dinner at a restaurant, no gift, just time to myself” is that selfish?!
Aaaah, that sounds tough. It sounds like you are completely overwhelmed and in the middle of depression. How long have you been feeling like this? I would be hesitant to make big changes when you feel like this, but clearly something needs to change. Could you take yourself off for the day and night as a birthday treat and get some perspective?
For a few months…I actually on vacation. I just might grab an airbnb somewhere for a few nights and relax a bit. Just my doggie and I.
Good idea, may help clear your head. Hope you have a peaceful birthday. It is mine tomorrow so we are very close together!
Hopefully it doesn’t cause problems in my relationship 
. Oh!
Happy early Birthday! May you also have a great time 
I often think the same thing. But then I remember the only constant in my life is me, so wherever I go my problems will follow. Find ways to adjust/change/cope/reevaluate. Check out the book “Wherever you go, there you are.”
Giving yourself some time away from the daily life, only you and your dog, is a good idea in my opinion. Take vate of yourself, communicate you need silence and time for yourself, shut down the phone and just be you. Rest, enjoy walks with the doggo, meditate, sleep, watch the clouds in the sky. Sometimes all we need is a silent island to shield from everyday noise. You are worth taking good care of yourself 
So…I left for a day and it was exactly what I expected. Peace and quiet. I need this in my life. I only came back today because she wants to celebrate my birthday. I guess I just enjoy the peace and quiet that comes with living alone. I want that before moving out together. I get one life and I want to experience that type of tranquility… I dont really care if it seems selfish, afterall…its my life. 
Definitely not happy in this relationship either. She brought me to dinner…not one word was said in the car. Might be the last. We’re just sitting here on our phones…this isn’t working anymore. 
Its crazy how im not one bit worried about breaking my sobriety. I would run to the bottle before this. Now it’s just all clear
wow @Chino.Antrax this is such a powerful change in your life! it will be really exciting to see how it all unfolds, as you continue to align with your true self and create the life you desire. 
blessings on your journey!
Have you had a proper talk with her about exactly how you are feeling?
Belated happy birthday! I am glad the time away helped.
I have had a couple of points in my life where I craved absolute peace, and they were a sign of burnout. I don’t have the option of walking away as have kids so had to work through it, and actually was happier after. I am not saying you should work through your relationship (have also been in terrible relationships where I absolutely should walk away), but just wanted to offer caution in case this is less about your relationship than how you are feeling overall. Have you talked it through with your GF?
Yes and honestly…I’m done talking
Yes. We have a talk at least once a month… for the past year or so. Nothing is changing. She asked me to change…and I did. Now when I ask, nothing happens. Why should I compromise when she can’t? The change i did was sooo fukn hard …womp womp right? It doesn’t work that way. And I accept that it was most likely over because of my crazy ass and the things I did when I was using. But why drag it along another 5 years? Im just gonna shut down in the relationship and see where this goes. I’ma let shit happen. Im just done putting my part. 
Maybe no emotions is the best way to go for me. I might care too damn much…
Sounds like you are all talked out. Why let it drag on? Really easy for me to say but why not just end it now? Take some time and get some peace. I have been guilty of staying in relationships way past the time we should have ended it, the last year was a cycle just like you describe.
When I started getting anxious about a situation (be it with a person/job/house - whatever) - my mom would always ask: is your life better with (person/job/situation) in it?
Distilling the issue down to the fundamental impact on your well-being can usually shed clarity and help guide your decisions.
Happy belated birthday - I wish you many more years of happiness and fulfillment in the way you would like!!!
Well. She is good. But…idk anymore. Sober version of me sees a lot more than the drugged version. I pay more attention to what’s going on now instead of worrying about using or drinking. Once again, shes good. But for me? Idk I would have to get to know her again…14 and a half years after idk if I’m willing to do that though. Like @JennyH said. Im all talked out. The thing is. She fought for me when I was at my worst. She stayed and dealt with my crazy ass. I also believe “crazy ass” is an understatement…I was down right bad. 
idk if to weather this storm or quit. I don’t like quitting…
Thank you for the kind words and wishes
A real predicament…
Yes its anger. And its been there for a very long time. And I agree with you when you say I’m in the wrong profession. Im actually looking into changing already. I should probably look into being an officer that way I can project my anger correctly. And my partner doesnt need to read my mind because im always open. Except with my anger. Thats been in check for a while now. And the world owes me nothing. I’m no one in this dying world. Nothing but a spec of sand.
My birthday wish is mine to own and I can wish for whatever I please. Before it was drugs in bulk…so I think a bit of peace isn’t so bad, or is it? According to you is it. Calling me a hypocrite for being tired of being hit, spit on, kicked, and talked shit to 24/7 isn’t right. You know nothing of the stuff I have to deal with. I deal with the sickest of people…physically and mentally. Im just tired of it. What’s wrong with that?