Today is my 35th day completely sober. I’ve always been one to trade one addiction for another and for the first time in years I’ve made it over a month without using any substance. I made it through an intensive 28 day inpatient treatment after spending five days in the hospital detoxing. I suffer from major depressive disorder as well, and the burden of dealing with both ailments can be quite cumbersome. Today I had some cravings for the first time since I began this process in mid August. I have been struggling deeply with the idea of self forgiveness, and I felt the urge to search in the bottom of a bottle for some temporary relief from the guilt and shame that has been afflicting me for years… Do I even deserve the purpose I am longing for? Why should I find contentment and peace after I have caused such chaos and succumbed to my selfish desires for so many years? Are these intentions of ammends fleeting or do I have the strength to carry them out and free myself from the resentments that torture my mind?.. I have been lost in these thoughts for the last six hours and as sleep should be approaching I find myself frightened to sleep for the fear of the impending nightmares that will likely haunt my dreams.
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Depression clouds everything and it’s hard to see out of, I’ve been there, I can tell you that you definitely 100% are deserving of the purpose that you are looking for.
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Many of us had depression before we started drinking. We then found out that drinking might deal with the depression and kept drinking so the depression stayed in our back minds. We were deluded into thinking the sadness went away.
But when we give up the booze, the depression springs back to the forefront of our minds. If we had a long drinking history, then it might seem like the depression was a new symptom.
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