so…
I am an adult entertainer.
tonight goibg into work i had an intese craving.
i gave in.
i drank a glass of pinot gregio.
but i didnt feel as expected… I was able to stop myself and able to go about the night drinking only 4 glasses of wine. from 9pm to 230 am.
I was not drunk or impaired in any way…and i also do not plan on telling my husband about this.
i am very conflicted at the moment. i feel as though i am not of the 10% of the population who are truely addicts. Is it possible that i can learn to control my drinking in a sense?
i grew up in a household that was strict, never got a chance to learn my limits, etc. i am 22 now
deciding if i can be one of those people who can have some drinks with control or if i cannot.
i came to this forum because i was getting blacked out at work 4 nights a week. now that i have drank at work and still feel in control…i feel confused. sobriety has made me confront who i actually am as person… but i still miss that fun sociable girl who enjoyed a drink. before my glass of pinot i was 54 days without a drink. any advice/thoughts would be helpful.
This is what i read… ‘intense craving’ before giving in, ‘only(?) 4(!!!) glasses of wine’, 'i do not plan to tell my husband (secrets), ’ not true addict (them and me), maybe i can control my alcohol (looking for reassurance or approval), im 22… I blacked out 4 times per week… (problem drinking pattern already established). Sorry kiddo, that’s your selective brain talking. At times i can have a drink and leave it, but at times i cant. That doesnt mean i dont have a problem, mine just havent had a chance to grow into a bigger problem. I see myself as having a potential of becoming an alcoholic, so that’s just as bad x keep strong kiddo x
Did you have a drink because of craving or anxiety of work, is there a reason you dont want to tell your husband were they big or small glases if big thats sounds nearly a bottle would you carry on doing 3 or 4 a night i suppose these are the ?'s you should ask yourself 50 plus days is great but what about trying for 90 and using this day as tester to see if you truly can stop as and when you want 
I’m With @JustL on all counts. I went though that same rationalization over and over and over again starting around your age, I’m 10 years older and only now am I starting to accept that weather or not I’m an alcoholic or an addict or whatever: a) I have a drinking problem b)I’m better off without it c) I’m actually way more fun sober because I’m not inadvertently annoying loud or obnoxious.
I’d also like to point out that while it’s great that you posted right away, your posting with alcohol in your system and that WILL cloud your judgement. Maybe see how you feel once it wears off.
On the other hand, if you were not in anyways drunk or impaired, what’s the point of drinking 4 glasses of wine?
Please respect your your relationship and tell your husband. If you don’t, you are choosing to put alcohol before him.
I’m curious as to what it is you think drinking has to offer you.
I think i sounded a little too harsh @jaimelee, i think i saw you in me 10 years ago; financially i was buzzing but emotionally i had to drink to numb my selfbeing. If you truly enjoy something then you wouldn’t have to drink. Alcohol doesnt make you sociable, it just makes you not to care so much looking silly.
Everyone thinks they can control it. In your line of work it is very dangerous to have blackouts. You might wake up dead.
I wish everyone success and strength when it comes down to it. May this day count.
thank you all for your posts. i do think i need to stay away from alcohol. i appriciate all of your personal stories…i do not plan to tell my husband he would be highly disappointed and wouldnt trust me. i will juat use that night as a stumbling block, not a relapse, and continue with sobriety. thank u all so much
thank you…i drank because its so much more fun to drink in that environment. i appriciate what you said about not wiping my clock clean. if i were to tell my husband and wipe my clock clean i would be so unmotivated. it would be dangerous for me. I will contonue towards 90 days! i feel like i have learned a huge lesson here thank you
@Foolnomore, I knew what you meant, but I gotta say I wouldn’t want to “wake up dead…” . I couldn’t resist.
@JustL holy shit, well said!!!
I wish you the best @jaimelee. With all that’s being said, ultimately the decision is yours. I always thought that maybe I had a problem in my 20’s, but I love drinking. I stayed in denial for a long long time…well not that long, I’m still young lol. I wasn’t willing to give up my best friend until I felt I absolutely had to. But by your own admission, the alcoholic patterns are already there. Just be careful!
I understand. I just hope you reconsider. I think there is a chance he can trust and respect you more for coming clean about something so difficult. He too struggles with addiction and I’m sure you’d want him to be honest even if it was hard.
It sounds like you learnt so much, and jumped back in the horse which is very commendable and what is most important, I think he might appreciate that and find it inspiring.
Finally, don’t underestimate the power of keeping secrets. Shame and guilt for keeping things like this from people who love and trust us, often linger in the shadows. For many people, it can be a huge catalyst for relapse: added stress, anxiety, low self esteem etc.
Lastly, you may want to consider if your not wanting to tell your husband is related to your not wanting to quit that job. If he asks you why you drank and you have to honestly tell him the environment isn’t enjoyable without drinking, he may not want you in that environment anymore.
Being hat your so intelligent, I’m pretty sure you have already figured out that that environment / line of work isn’t great for your sobriety. I think you are at the point where you realize that while the money is great, you may eventually have to accept that you need to chose between your sobriety/ marriage and your current source of income/ working more to make the same or less.
Please thy to think of the effects of your decisions long term. You have some amazing goals for your future that all the money in the world can’t help you realize if you have an active drinking problem.
You also have a marriage you fought hard to keep for a reason.
This rings so true it’s actually made me really emotional 
I also cannot have just one. If I open the door and let alcohol in again I will never control it.
For me it is a path I have to choose I can’t let it take control again.
Just so you know you are not alone I am on the same journey. Thank you for your words, was having a night of thinking about having a drink but now that has passed. 
It is tough to accept it. I guess we all want to be and feel normal. That we can control it and just have one. I mean it feels f-ing unfair, why me? Everybody else seems to be doing just fine with controlling their drinking. Well, in reality, not everyone is, but not everyone will realise it and stop, so they continue. I don’t want to continue because i never want to be in these situations that i was again. So I choose not to have that first drink at all. Stay strong! 
I remember drinking at work, just to make it more fun and easier to pass the time.It was a different line of work than you but also not a good think that i was drinking on the job.
Another thing I wanna point out is that 4 glasses is alot.To alcoholics it feels like a small amount, 4 beers 4 glasses no biggie, not hammered not blacked out Im good.Now that I have realized that my amount of hardly anything is alot for non alcoholics I have accepted I cant drink anymore.
I wish you luck 
Hope you stay safe.
yeah i have quit dancing before. drinking makes it a party and sobriety just makes it an easy well paying job. thanks for your response… he and i are in a rough patch. im afraid to risk judgement…i cant tell him
thanks for the post, and those are vaild points. ive chosen to hang onto my sobriety
I’m probably not the best person to be giving advice. This is a thought process I am very familiar with. When I start thinking like this I try and remind myself of one thing: I’ve been drinking and using for 8 years and nothing particularly positive has come of it. So why not try and be sober for some time? If you don’t try the sober life you won’t know what you’re missing. Just give it a real shot.
And if it doesn’t work out you can always return to the miseries of addiction.
Thats good to hear!!