This is the worst feeling

Relapses
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Last night. I went out. I didn’t even think about it. Just got myself ready in silence and went to my regular bar.

Why? I don’t know. Nothing happened, just a normal day? I don’t understand it at all.

I kept telling myself that I’ve been sober for so many days now, so you clearly don’t have a problem.

As soon as I opened the door I felt at home. My friends rushed to say hi and immediately bought shots and drinks. And when they asked me were I’ve been, I just said “well I wanted to be sober for a while just to see if I could”.
That’s not true?? I don’t know why I kept saying that?? And they praised me and said that we had to celebrate this. With more drinks?

The bar closes at 02.00
So I said to myself that I should go home. Just go home. Go home go home.
But no, I was already, drunkenly, on my way in to a taxi with my friends. Afterparty. WHY???

We stopped, bought some drugs.
Went on driving to my neighbors house.
I COULD SEE MY APARTMENT. Maybe 40 seconds walk for me to GO HOME.
Did I? Yes. Was it straight away? Absolutely not

So here I am. Not remembering anything after 06.00, in my bed. Not being able to move because of how incredibly hungover I am.
And my friend just texted me “wanna go out for drinks, on me”.

Why do I have to fight this with every fiber??
I can’t even answer the fucking phone without wanting to throw up. I readjusted my legs and the whole room started to spin.

But when she said drinks, I immediately started to think about what I should wear. Not in a self absorbed way, but I drink so damn much that I have to have pants that stretches otherwise I have to keep them unbuttoned.

So I feel like a failure, fraud and a complete idiot. So damn disappointed in myself. Mad and disgusted. And with these feelings spinning around in my body, my brain is telling me to just drink.

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Great post to bookmark or print or copy to your phone, so the next time you want to go out -just for a bit- you can re read it over and over and remind yourself of what you really want and how you really want to feel…proud, clear and good. Today is a new day…you can get thru it sober. Tell your friend you remember now why you stopped before and are more determined than ever. :people_hugging:

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It’s a disease. It’s a shame based disease. And we keep repeating it. And we feel more shame. And the shame keeps getting bigger and stronger. The only cure is to not drink.

Like Sassy said. This would be a great post to bookmark. And read it over and over again. We don’t have to live this way.
:pray:t2::heart:

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You aren’t a failure but you might want to take out the term alcoholic and try it on for a while. It was a revelation for me to say I am an alcoholic and not someone who can’t seem to jump out of that loop of insanity. Drink, feel awful, wish I weren’t drinking, drink.

Alcoholics don’t stop by the bar for a few and alcoholics don’t moderate. It is one drink and pedal to the floor, maybe not the first night and maybe not always but eventually yes.

I was a fun party girl and my amount of drinking seemed normal to the people I surrounded myself with in my teens, 20s and 30s. Now I’m in my 40s and not only is the drinking scene with people my age more needy and sad, it kills people. I bartended in my town for 10+ years and have lost 6 bar friends/patrons to drinking since I quit 2 years ago.

I get this too. Nothing changes if nothing changes though. You can drink the feelings away and continue this cycle or you can stop it here. If today you can go to bed and put a sober head on your pillow you have beaten back the madness by one day. If you do it again tomorrow, that is two days and soon you are living sober. It sounds like the easiest and the hardest thing because it is both of those at the same time.

Check out some quit lit from your library and read about other alcoholics, check in here to ask someone if you should go out tonight before you go, try a meeting. Go places that people are questioning and not celebrating alcohol. Step off the merry go round.

I am sending you a gigantic hug and a hangover day, that could be your last, full of reflection and probably pizza. Keep trying. You only fail when you give up. Let those questions percolate until you find the answer. Drinking only silences those questions but they are still there, demanding answers. 🩷

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Thank you so much for this :heart:
I’m in a state of anxiety, tears and regret.
I read this so many times already and I really just wanted to say thank you, this helped. A lot.

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This is really good advice. Thank you so much :heart:

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I’ve been in the same position so many times! You’re not alone and feel free to message me if you are ever contemplating and we can have a little catch up about where we’re at and keep each other accountable. Or even just an ear to vent to. Wishing you well love!

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I remember that anxiety. I don’t have it anymore. Honestly it is one day at a time and the same stuff that works for others may or may not work for you. Try all the things to stay sober and see what fits. If it doesn’t keep you sober, pivot and try something else. You’ve got to try though. Sending giant hugs.

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