I feel stuck in a rut. I joined this app back in April 2021 but still haven’t achieved lasting sobriety. The longest I’ve managed has been around 2-3 months, but usually it’s up to 1-2 weeks before I relapse. My spurts of sobriety feel f*cking amazing though, honestly, so liberating and empowering! I don’t know why I still relapse. I do know that my addictions used to be much, much worse and I used to live like a subconscious zombie with them always on my mind and binged every day, often all day. If I relapsed it took weeks or months to get back and often required some sort of external chance boost to kickstart, not to mention I’d be blindly craving within hours or days due to that being hardwired as the go-to distraction. Now it’s a matter of having coming so far that I don’t know why I’m not just permanently sober already. The cravings have all but vanished save for maybe once every 1-2 weeks, and not necessarily intensely but enough to catch me off guard, particularly in times of intense stress. I’m 100% aware of my addictions and that I don’t want them in my life. I even know what I want in life! I know my traumatic childhood played a big role in getting me here, and am not surprised… PTSD is such a deep wound, it takes years of time, effort and searching to heal and begin finding yourself. Now if I relapse I’m back at sobriety within hours or days, knowing full well what I really want and why. And the journey of conscious enlightenment it’s taken to get me there has just been crazy, for which I can’t help but feel deeply grateful to be alive and even exist in this world and universe. But I’m still not free. I struggle with depression, anxiety and loneliness. Maybe a lack of motivation? I need to breathe… and focus… if I feel like I’m ready to own a sober and bright life, what am I waiting for? I know that spending time with other people and enjoying outdoors activities with them, particularly when dating, frees me of any cravings or self-esteem issues. It’s often when these end and I’m back in my room lonely and bored that I fall into a depression and eventually relapse as an emotional gap filler. This leads to self-isolation, which leads to anxiety, which leads to more depression and hello cycle of self-sabotage… Not because I crave the addiction itself, but because I’m using it as a substitute to quel discomfort. And that discomfort stems from a deep-rooted fear of inadequacy. I do have people-pleasing and problem-avoidance tendencies, both signs of that. Not to mention depression and anxiety… But these only appear when I’m particularly stressed, usually kickstarted by external people or events. They’re not to blame though, that’s my expectations and insecurity getting the better of me. I don’t want to lose what I have because I never had that much. Interestingly, when I stop expecting or forming external attachments I often feel better and get further… Anyways, glad to open up and get some insights in the process… maybe someone can help me, or I can help someone? I think what I need to do is simply bite the bullet on this one and continue pushing myself until my brain is wired enough to follow my ‘ideal’ vision naturally… Our brains are just networks of neural connections and pathways, which with new exposure can be wired, miswired or rewired just as much as body muscle or fat can be lost or gained via commitment… Where there’s a will, there’s a way!
Cheers for taking the time to read this whoever and wherever you are in the world right now btw
So much love and affection for you, also an April '21 member here with a very similar story of consistent relapse with porn as opposed to substance. Longest I’ve ever been without porn during this time is about 2 weeks…
You’ve got this, friend. You are so strong and courageous for continuing this incredible transformation and I think you can clearly see the efforts you’ve made and how far you’ve come.
Thank you for sharing. It sounds like although you’re in this rut, and you feel trapped, you’re on the edge of breaking through to your new life.
My therapist calls this a river of misery. You’ve left the stagnant pond of misery and now you’re struggling and working through all this slog and it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but you know that you’ll work through this and that crossing this river will take you to a place where you’ll be more content.
At least you’re making some movement, some progress, even if it isn’t linear and always positive, you’re trending towards the life you seek. Stick to it, just a little longer, and I’m sure that you will begin to reap the endless benefits of your new you.
Great to hear from you!
I am so sorry that you are struggling. From your posts on the check in thread i find you very inspirational and have so much live and zest for life.
I totally understand how stresses and ending relationships can be triggering. As far as dating, is it possible to put that on hold for some months till you strengthen your sober legs?
Are you seeing a therapist, going to any meetings or seeing a sponsor? Are you on any meds to help you with your anxiety and depression?
I find that im really getting to know myself in my sobriety . Getting to enjoy my own comany and love the person im becoming. In this revelation- im also finding that im having to change up my circle of friends. Im just not compatible with some of the old groups i relied on.
Loved all of this and agree! This is a super difficult journey and one we cant partake by ourselves. We meed support in making it through. We need to find ways to rewire our brains- new routines, change habits, change friends or places frequented.
You know how awesome sobriety feels and how much healthier/ happier you will be. Stay strong my friend. We are here for you! I find the more active i am on here the easier it is to dodge my urges
Really appreciate your openness, I felt really seen in a lot of the struggles you’re going through. The self-sabotaging, gap-filling drinking creeps up on me often and just like you said, logically you know you shouldn’t give into those as they never do you any good, but sometimes you can’t fight a disease with reason. The fact that you recognize those is a great first step, I think having someone to talk to, a sponsor, a friend, a message board even helps to work through getting caught in the wake of those self-sabotaging thoughts. I keep coming back to every sober day, hour, minute is a victory.
If what you are doing is not working to get you to the long term sobriety you want, why not try what has worked for millions of people? AA is the foundation of my sobriety, and the program that I followed to get to “the change in personality sufficient to overcome alcoholism”, to paraphrase the description of a spiritual experience that AA offers. AA was not the only support I used, for sure, but it was the workhorse that got me to permanent sobriety.
This is exactly what happens to me/how I feel. Seems like a week or two is the magic number and then it’s craving time. But the cravings aren’t there if there’s something exciting like going on a date. I’ve been telling myself that I need to throw myself into developing my skills, such as my violin playing, so I’m not focused on getting emotional attention from a girl or whatever. (Mostly just my way of ignoring the fact that there’s hardly any women my age around here, and if there are they don’t seem interested if only for a brief period of time). I felt for a while as though focusing on self development would distract me from the discomfort, as well as providing results at the end of it. I really hate to admit it, but what actually goes on is it feels more like going into a place of isolation to work on something, though rewarding, but when I come up for air and look around I realize I’m still alone. Nothing has changed. Now I’m just a lonely violinist instead of a lonely drunk. I have read so many books on relationships and dating, even “The Mystery Method” (which was quite educational). There just always seems to be something else that interests a woman more in this day and age. I wouldn’t want to live in a world without the internet, but I often think of my grandparents and how back then it seems like people did a lot more compromise in relationships because you couldn’t just open up your phone and swipe right on a better offer literally while laying in bed next to your partner. I’m starting to think it’s just the cold hard fact of statistics. Why hang out with someone poor like me when there’s a million other possibilities and offers right at the tip of your fingers. I wish at this moment I had more answers for you and for me. I do know it seems as though forming the right social connection seems to be something that’s irreplaceable. Though it seems for me to be quite a rare thing, indeed. Thank you so much for sharing all this. Was really helpful to read to get me thinking and analyzing on what move I should make next.
There is a way out for anyone who wants it and is willing to do the work. I know it works because it has worked for me. All i had to do was take suggestions from someone who had been where i was and made it to where i wanted to go. The path to sobriety may be hard, but is simple in the rooms of AA
Hey there…thank you so much for sharing. I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling. It sounds to me, that what you’re doing isn’t working, and that’s okay.
What you have done up to this point, has gotten you to where you are, and that is great, but it looks like now you can thank your old approach for getting you to where you are, and kindly release it so that you can start a new program.
AA, SMART, or any of the other free programs out there would be brilliant (especially if money is a factor), 1 on 1 counseling with a substance abuse specialist, in or out patient care, seeing a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, there are still a thousand ways out there to get you to live the live you are clearly yearning for, it’s just that you’ve taken the road you are currently on as far as it will go.
Time to jump onto a new trail!
Thank you for taking the time to share and being so vulnerable. I know for myself it was important to truly begin the process of self love and healing. Having been caught in the addiction guilt / shame cycle for so long, my self esteem, respect and confidence were literally non existent. And how could I truly heal and overcome if I didn’t care for myself or about myself. The depression, anxiety, people pleasing sounds very familiar. What I don’t hear so much is the self love and love and connection can be so healing. Maybe spending more time here on connection? Versus isolating. I know for myself, I gain a lot from staying present and mindful. The teachings of Pema Chodrun, Sharon Salzberg and Thich Nhat Hahn are very helpful for me to stay present. And staying present helps me ride thru my feelings. Idk if that resonates for you, but it helped me and continues to help me years later. All we truly have is now and right now I am sober and will continue to be sober in this moment. Thank you for sharing!! All those little steps and stops and starts, they can and do add up. Don’t ever stop fighting for your self and your health.
thanks so much for your time and great responses those of you who reached out! I honestly felt each one of your unique and relatable inputs! I’m glad I opened up, and grateful for some of you opening up too and all your insight and help… Sorry for the brief absence, I just needed a little time to clear my mind, mull over some of the guidance on this app and focus. I’m clean, and intend to keep it that way! I think I know what to do anyways, just need some time to materialise it. ODAAT. I’ve noted some of your points too. And don’t worry Jasmine, I’m not going anywhere and you’ll keep seeing me on the daily check in and gratitude threads! Thanks for being the best, folks
Sounds like you are doing lots of the right things, and have a tonne of self-awareness. I think you just need to keep trying different combinations of things until you hit a formula that works for you. Even trying things that you have already tried, but maybe now you are in a different place in life will work better. Keep working at it, and it will stick one day!
So grateful to hear from you! Glad you were able to take the time to do some reflecting on the posts and on yourself and that it all helped.
Grateful to know that we will see you on the usual threads my friend
I think I know what to do anyways, just need some time to materialise it. 
