Back to day 1 after 30 days alcohol-free.
Last night I bought (and drank) a bottle of red wine.
But it was different. I’m in the process of reading Annie Grace’s book This naked mind.
While drinking last night, my intention was to test the validity of the information I learned from the book. I wanted to translate theory into practice. For this, I did an exercise Annie Grace proposes : I filmed myself.
The end result is :
1 video before drinking : In this video, I state my intentions for the evening. 2 glasses maximum and wanting to see how alcohol affects my body/brain, how I try to justify me drinking more, etc.
1 video before my last glass : So I ended up not filming myself for glasses 2-4. By the time I had one glass left, I sat down in front of the camera. I watched the video this morning. I was visibly tired (it was 11:30 pm - I started drinking at 8:30 pm) and I could see how slow I was. When I talked, I looked numbed and slowed down. I even mentionned while pretty tipsy that I totally failed to stick to 2 glasses and that I maybe should’nt drink because I can’t control my intake. I also said that I felt I was dumbing myself down and not using my potential.
1 video this morning when I woke up : After finishing the bottle and going to bed at 12:15 am, I woke up for work late, at 7:15, needing some breakfast and a shower to leave at 8. I ended up arriving 15 mins late to work with a horrible hangover, my head pounding. I drank a whole lot of water. I felt my body hated me. The hangover lasted until 12 pm. In the video, I clearly stated I can’t start drinking again.
I think for the first time, since reading This naked mind, I genuinely feel a change in me towards alcohol. I’m not as attracted to it and I’m even kinda angry at it for making me believe so much lies. I can start seeing my patterns, my vulnerability to alcohol, how drinking none is way easier than sticking to one glass, how the more I drink, the more I want and the quicker I drink, how my brain tries by every way to rationalize the unrational.
I think, for the first time, that I am an alcoholic. And maybe some people are more far down than I am. Maybe I compare myself to people and try to convince myself I’m a normal drinker, but I clearly am not and have never been since the first time I got drunk at 14 years old.
The older I get and the more independance I get, the less surveillance I get, the more I drink. Having my parents, my ex-boyfriend or friends around me kept me secretive and creative in ways to drink without getting cought.
Alone, I don’t care. I just drink. In July, I will be moving alone in a studio. I know this is when I will have an increased possibility to fall way down.
I cannot bring alcohol with me in my studio. I don’t want to fall.