This naked mind - video experiment (TW discussion of alcohol consumption)

[Isabelle1]

Back to day 1 after 30 days alcohol-free.

Last night I bought (and drank) a bottle of red wine.
But it was different. I’m in the process of reading Annie Grace’s book This naked mind.

While drinking last night, my intention was to test the validity of the information I learned from the book. I wanted to translate theory into practice. For this, I did an exercise Annie Grace proposes : I filmed myself.
The end result is :

1 video before drinking : In this video, I state my intentions for the evening. 2 glasses maximum and wanting to see how alcohol affects my body/brain, how I try to justify me drinking more, etc.

1 video before my last glass : So I ended up not filming myself for glasses 2-4. By the time I had one glass left, I sat down in front of the camera. I watched the video this morning. I was visibly tired (it was 11:30 pm - I started drinking at 8:30 pm) and I could see how slow I was. When I talked, I looked numbed and slowed down. I even mentionned while pretty tipsy that I totally failed to stick to 2 glasses and that I maybe should’nt drink because I can’t control my intake. I also said that I felt I was dumbing myself down and not using my potential.

1 video this morning when I woke up : After finishing the bottle and going to bed at 12:15 am, I woke up for work late, at 7:15, needing some breakfast and a shower to leave at 8. I ended up arriving 15 mins late to work with a horrible hangover, my head pounding. I drank a whole lot of water. I felt my body hated me. The hangover lasted until 12 pm. In the video, I clearly stated I can’t start drinking again.

I think for the first time, since reading This naked mind, I genuinely feel a change in me towards alcohol. I’m not as attracted to it and I’m even kinda angry at it for making me believe so much lies. I can start seeing my patterns, my vulnerability to alcohol, how drinking none is way easier than sticking to one glass, how the more I drink, the more I want and the quicker I drink, how my brain tries by every way to rationalize the unrational.

I think, for the first time, that I am an alcoholic. And maybe some people are more far down than I am. Maybe I compare myself to people and try to convince myself I’m a normal drinker, but I clearly am not and have never been since the first time I got drunk at 14 years old.

The older I get and the more independance I get, the less surveillance I get, the more I drink. Having my parents, my ex-boyfriend or friends around me kept me secretive and creative in ways to drink without getting cought.

Alone, I don’t care. I just drink. In July, I will be moving alone in a studio. I know this is when I will have an increased possibility to fall way down.
I cannot bring alcohol with me in my studio. I don’t want to fall.

[PositiveThoughts]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I definitely think you should avoid having access to alcohol in your studio when you move. I would say ask guests to take whatever they bring with them when they leave.
I made it 4 months of not consuming alcohol in my current house when I moved here back in 2021, and I regret not sticking with that, for all the reasons you know already.
I wish you all the best in your sober journey. Stay strong - you have a great life ahead!

[Madds]

Thank you so much for sharing your insight here- i love how this exercise helps you really get inside your head during monents we would otherwise forget or erase with the drinking. It sounds like you have big changes coming up (congrats on the move) and this is a good time for you to be putting focus toward your sobriety.

[Dan531]

This is what I kind of always think of when I recommend this book or Allen Carrs easy way to Control alcohol… there are spots in both where it suggests consumption (I did it while reading allen carrs) it’s a catch 22 for me. In my case it worked because it forever changed my perception of alcohol and I’m 5 years sober now.

I fear in some cases it just gives people an excuse to relapse. I hope your case is like mine. Best wishes to you in your new place.

[Faugxh]

Yeah lol. Can’t imagine needing a video of myself slurring my words to get it, I mean my whole life was a dumpster fire.

@Isabelle1 I wish you luck and determination on your journey. Maybe focus less on waiting/hoping for the attraction to alk to disappear, a lot of ppl have to get sober from full blown addiction, get cravings and what not. I’d suggest you focus on what you are trying to run from, facing your fears and slowly building a life for yourself you don’t want to escape from. It takes time. Once you don’t need it anymore to escape, you won’t be attracted to it as much.

[Englishd]

If I filmed my relapse I would most likely be filming my death

[CanadianGirl]

Well, it’s definitely not something I would like to try doing as I do not want to go through the hell of quitting again . I myself would most likely not stop after 1 night either or at least that’s what my past experience tells me. But if you find it’s given you the insight you needed to admit the seriousness of your situation and take your sobriety more serious then good for you. I wish you the best.

[taylor999]

This post is one of the most self-aware and brave things I’ve read in a while. You didn’t just drink: you observed, documented, and learned. That’s huge. Most of us try to forget the aftermath, but you faced it head-on and even captured the evidence. That’s not a failure, that’s a breakthrough. You’re seeing through the illusion now, and it’s hard to unsee it. Moving into your own place can be a risk, yes, but it can also be a fresh start with new boundaries and no space for old habits.

[Ray_M_C_Laren]

Maybe try ameeting wish you well

[Lasse]

@Isabelle1

I think, for the first time, that I am an alcoholic

This is the beginning of the journey to your sober life, a new chapter. Admitting the facts to yourself is the first step to a new life where you don’t even miss alcohol. Congratulations!

[Isabelle1]

Thank you so much for your comment !!! It made me teary eyed, but in a good way. I feel so weak, so reading this gives me hope and helps me believe in myself

[NewEnglander1970]

Wow… what a dangerous path ! I hope your experience helped you to better understand your disease. I got sweaty palms just reading it. It reminds me of the Hot Stove LOL. I don’t want to touch it again. I’ve been burned enough. Good luck with your upcoming move. I pray you don’t have a new apartment drinking experiment Keep posting

[Isabelle1]

Don’t worry, I didn’t drink again on purpose just for the sake of trying this video experiment.
I relapsed and told myself I should try this experiment at the same time, to see if it would help me wanna stay sober for good.
I think it worked…

[NewEnglander1970]

Oh…. That’s very interesting. Hey.. I guess if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I am glad you turned a relapse into something you might not have ever experienced otherwise … and you shared with us which is great I hope you don’t have to relapse again. Use what you’ve learned and stay on the beam. It sounds like you are really heading in the right direction. You can do this and thank you for helping others as well !! Stay strong, sober and vigilant !