I watched an interview of Matthew Perry and he said a lot of relatable things but one thing in particular he said “this [addiction] never goes away” . It is so true and so frustrating. People tell me a lot, especially as I continue to hit year milestones, that i make it look easy. I appreciate that but it’s anything but easy. Five years in and I still deal with fighting my addict brain every day. Sometimes it’s worse than others, some times it’s barely there (notice I use the word barely ). But it’s always there. The addiction is always there. It won’t ever go away. No many how many years you get under your belt, it’s not like you wake up one day and you’re cured and it’s all over. Good news is that is gets much easier to manage and deal with. The further you get (or at least in my experience), the quiter it gets so it’s not necessarily at the forefront of my mind 24/7. Being in recovery is one of the bravest things you can do. It takes determination and strength. Even with relapses, as long as you keep getting back on the horse, learning from mistakes, and staying strong, it means you’re getting better each day. People who aren’t addicts won’t/can’t truly understand what we go through, they can support and sympathize but maybe understand it from a perspective of loving someone who is an addict, but to be one is a whole different thing.
So, even though this won’t ever go away, it’s something we don’t have to deal with alone.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I used to fight my alcoholism every day, as if it were a beat up old pugilist who would kick my ass every single day. I would always fall for the sucker punch. “Come on, step into the bar, let’s get it on. Just one, you know!”
When I got sober, I started thinking about my alcoholism as a frightened little kid, who can only lash out. With unconditional love and hugs and kisses and time and attention and daily care, the child began to trust, maybe hope. But it still wants to hurt me because it doesn’t know any better. What it does not do is go away. And if I ignore or deny it, it will morph back into that monkey on my back. The old pug will show up, shoes squeaking on the canvas, waving me into the ring with his taped up cracked gloves.
Credit to Jimmy Breslin for giving me this imagery - I picked it up during my drinking years reading his book “Table Money”.
Sometimes the thought of this being an everyday thing is a bit overwhelming, I have some reservations I definitely need to work through, but each day I look to others like you for HOPE that someday it will get a little easier to manage. Thank you for this post. Never Alone!
It seems like it tries its best to wear you down… the thing is that our sobriety becomes so much stronger than the addiction as long as we keep putting work in.
And while that monkey will always be on our backs life is soooooo much easier sober
Great share! Acceptance has been the answer for me. This disease is here to stay–okay, doesn’t mean my life is screwed. I own it, just like a shit ton of other folks. Lots of others have it too but don’t want to be honest with themselves. That’s unfortunate because they could have a much more happier & healthier life if they did.
I simply say to myself-- I don’t need to drink or use today but I can go help someone who is struggling. Then go smartly forward. Thanks Brooke & night!
Im a Alkie i have accepted it i respect booze i know i cant drink anymore i dont have to fight it i just get up in the morning and live my day drink never crosses my mind , if i had to fight it everyday then i would be doing something wrong . good network and foundation will help . sobriety is what you make it wish you well
For myself…I don’t think about drinking anymore, it is definitely not an everyday thing or overwhelming at all anymore. After 6.5 years of sobriety from alcohol, it is nothing like it was in early or mid healing. What is daily is the true depth of knowing that I won’t drink again, that my drinking life is over. I do continue my life’s work of understanding my why’s and my self and taking care of my self mentally, physically, emotionally.
But for me, there is no tiger chasing me or heavy heart or angst over sobriety. It is a beautiful gift I gave myself and it set me free from the bonds and anguish of drinking. There is a freedom and a peace in knowing that life is behind me and I am free to live without alcohol dragging me down anymore.
And beautiful share Brook, love seeing you.
Edited to add…This isn’t to say my life is ‘perfect’, far from it. I still experience all of life’s ups and downs, and I know that hitting the bottle is neither an answer to life’s problems, nor an escape. Again, it is a relief to have let that all go.
Thank you for writing this! Ot was very well written. I can relate to this alot and have been experiencing this recently. I have 606 days in and lately that addict voice has been loud… every… single… day. But then its not always like that and sometimes that voice is barely there (like u said). I have been trying to figure out what causes that voice to be so loud some days and not others. Is it what i do/not do during my day that causes it? Im trying to figure it out haha. So far i have come to realize (for myself anyway) that when i do certain things (exercise, pray, stay connected) each day, the addict voice is barely there. When i dont do thase things, its loud. I guess thats why they say I have a daily reprieve, meaning that i have to work at it daily in order to keep that addict voice at bay.
). But it’s always there. The addiction is always there. It won’t ever go away. No many how many years you get under your belt, it’s not like you wake up one day and you’re cured and it’s all over. Good news is that is gets much easier to manage and deal with. The further you get (or at least in my experience), the quiter it gets so it’s not necessarily at the forefront of my mind 24/7. Being in recovery is one of the bravest things you can do. It takes determination and strength. Even with relapses, as long as you keep getting back on the horse, learning from mistakes, and staying strong, it means you’re getting better each day. People who aren’t addicts won’t/can’t truly understand what we go through, they can support and sympathize but maybe understand it from a perspective of loving someone who is an addict, but to be one is a whole different thing.
