I had a lot of anger and resentment towards my parents from childhood that I carried with me into adulthood. But when my mom got sick, I made a conscious decision (in my late twenties at this point) to forgive my parents for the past, and try to just connect with them and make the best of the time we had. I feel like I did that, because I could think about my parents and not feel angry anymore. They are now both passed away, and I’m glad I made that decision to forgive. I know they were doing the best they knew how to do and they loved me.
But… the mistake I made was thinking that by forgiving them, I was automatically healed from the past. After I made that decision to forgive, I continued to drink in a very disordered way for another twelve years before finally getting sober. Once I got sober, all of these memories from my childhood came rushing back and I realized I had been drinking all of these years at least in part because of these experiences. And I had never healed. I had forgiven them, but not healed myself. I had assumed that forgiveness and healing were one in the same, but they’re not. Healing is it’s own process that takes time as they say, but also work, honesty, reflection, and changing that internal dialogue. It’s hard to heal when you’re drinking, because the alcohol convinces you that life is just a big party and everything’s a joke, and nothing can hurt you. But now that I’m sober, it’s like I can feel that young girl still inside me, hiding in her room trying to make the pain go away with booze and pills. Now I can work on healing her, because she deserves it.
Thanks for reading.
